Dear Dad

Author's note,

I write this letter because my heart is so full of you. I miss you so much, and I wish you were here right this moment, but I guess I can't have everything. It seems strange to me Daddy because you always told me I could have everything and now that I want everything, it seems impossible to reach out to you and have it! It makes me want to question reality as I've been taught it.

I've watched you and mommy for a long long time, I guess since I was born. Since I still don't know how to tell time, I'm not exactly sure when it was that I knew something was wrong, but I do know That the minute it was wrong I knew it! I tried to tell you what I saw but you wouldn't listen to me. Most of the time I couldn't even get your attention. And then, you and mommy moved out not too long ago. Oh I know mommy is still living with me but it feels like she moved out too. She's not the same anymore.

She use to play and laugh with me but now all she does is go away to work and come home sad, crying and tired. When I try to talk to her about it she just cries more and tells me I'm too young to understand.

Daddy, when do I get to be old enough to understand? When does someone talk to me and tell me what's going on?

I have to tell you daddy, I hate my new home! The kids here are not like the guys on my block. I feel so lonely and left out and it makes me miss you even more. A kid next door told me I was just a divorce brat. What does that mean Daddy? Is there something wrong with me that you forgot to tell me about before you left? Maybe so, because there seems to be so many secrets that you and mommy have now that you've left me. I remember how you use to get really mad at me when I would have secrets and not tell you. Like the time I hid your money from your pants pocket and wouldn't tell you where it was because it was a secret. I remember that you were really angry. Should I be angry at you now Dad?

Mommy took me to a man the other day, she said that I needed to deal with my anger and seperation anxiety because of you. The man said he was a therapist. I think that's someone who helps kids like me to understand why their dad's don't come around anymore. When I went into his office I cried because he reminded me of you Dad!

He had a Beard like you and he even sounded just like you. He told me that you still loved me and that you were hurting inside just like me, and that you didn't know how to make it stop. Just like me Dad! He said that you were doing what looked like bad things to mommy because you wanted her to be the wrong one so you could stop feeling so bad. Is that true Dad? If it were true I could really understand. I mean, I think I've been making myself the bad person so mommy and you would make up and stop fighting.

Mommy says you'll never live with us again, it make me so sad even though I believe her. But, please Dad Can't we still be friends, I know you don't love mommy anymore but can't you still love me Dad? Every time the phone rings I hope it's you. When you promise to come and get me and then you don't, I feel so sad and disappointed. When I try and tell mommy how I feel, all she says is that, "I will have to learn not to count on you, God knows she's had to through the years!" I don't know what she means Dad, I've always counted on you because you were always there for me. Have I done something wrong to make you stop doing that Dad?

I have to go now, mommy says she's tired, and wants me to go to bed so she can rest. I sure feel bad hurting you and mommy because I'm always doing the wrong things even though the therapist says its not my fault! I love you Daddy and I'll try to be a better little boy. If you can't come to see me, maybe you can call me?

Just me, your son...

P.S. If you can't call maybe you could just send me a card?