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the dreaded c word.

and yet i find myself wanting one. one with someone here in my vicinity. not one with someone from another state or country that i have to nurse along like an infant with the croup.

i know that men want a woman who is a paradox. they want the virgin and the whore. they want her untouched and clean. yet they want her to be experienced to a point, yet not, they want to be the first, but they want her to know how to please her man.

yes, i want a commitment. i want something with a man who can accept me as i am, fulfills my every need, doesn't frown on me for my past, loves my kinks and turn ons and wants to share me with others in the swinging lifestyle. and i would do the same for him.

but i don't think i'll find that man. i'm 35 now and although it's not impossible, it's not looking probable. i'm older and not a virgin anymore.

and i'll be okay with this. i'm not looking for pity or sadness in my comments. i just want to feel sorry for me a little. that's all.