yelling out in the middle of the night
loss of sleep
emotions erupt from his eyes
barring these tears are useless
against all fighting these tears
rushing out, stinging his face
running, off his face to the ground below
your shoulder catches them
____________________________________
totally unexpected this feeling
ostercized from your life
not willing to give up
your my ying if I was yang
losing a friend
youth dies as maturity ages
----------------------------------
these 31 days seem to be the longest
this month lags
filled with snow and bright lights
holiday cheer that disapears
when the new year begins
The smiles painted on their faces
the anticpitation on the 25th
this month doesnt end it just lags
The nights arent so silent
with all the carolers blasting these tunes
these holiday tunes
And the month doesnt end
it feels like and eternity
a whole lifetime passes by before this month ends
THe lonliness and despair grow in his heart
as the families come together to rejoice
and friends pass around gifts to each other
this month just doesnt end
Now with the glasses raised high
tehy take back their shots
Yet this month doesnt end
then the countdown
5... 4 its coming 3....
2.. almost here 1....
hooray they all cheer
and kiss and jump
they all cheer for the new year
but me I do not cheer for the new year
I cheer for I made it through another December
________________________________
I remember the days
when you didnt have to worry
worry about grades or girls or love
or making your parents proud
the time when your only worry
was if you were going to get the complete set of happy meal toys
or get a sjake after you athat happy meal
worrying if the episode would be a repeat of not
hoping for snow, not because of no school
but for the fact of snowballs fights
snowmean and snow forts
but best of all the hot chochlate
that your mom had ready for you when you came in
when it wasnt but winning but about having fun
the days when I was 9 or 8
life was so much easier then
_________________________________
I miss the way we were
Dont know what went wrong
Think about it all the time
Ill be here waiting for you
Make me not love you
It is so hard
Through all the tough times you helped me get by
Tonight just seems the hardest, but then again tomorrow will be just as bad
Living just doesnt seem possible with out you being there
Ill be a lying in bed
Just please come here to me
Be the one I need you be
Dead is what I am without you
_______________________________________
Looking into your eyes
I see the pain you are trying to hide
the secrets of your thoughts
your feelings building up
Looking into your eyes
seeing the love within them
wanting to come out and see the world
as they once did, yet you keep the love
blocked away, afraid of what may happen
afraid of a broken heart
afraid of being so dependent on one person
you can not survive with out them.
I look into your eyes and see all this
but you do not let these things show, you stay
strong building your confidence forgetting the problems
deep inside your heart and soul, running away from love and me
_____________________________
This night has been going on forever
long ago did the sky change color from blue to gray to black
to blanket the city in suspion
yet I lay on my blue bed
in my cold apartment
staring at this ceiling
with millions of thoughts racing thorugh my head
keeping my eyes from shutting and my brain from resting
as the sun begins to come up my mind starts to slow down
and finally a peace has come to my body and my eyes shut
_____________________________
starving for love,
thoughts of me thoughts of you,
easing my mind,
possibilites arrise ,
honestly I dont know what to do ,
attacking this feeling with all Ive got,
nothing works,
imagination runs wild ,
emotions flow out,
grasping at nothing
,expressing my feelings for you,
owning up to you
,reasons not known but you you are different,
god how I want you how I need you,
ends now with out a fight
_____________________________
I dont know you just dont get it
you dont see me reaching out to you
these questions I ask you
are the questions I want you to ask me
I am putting myself at your disposal
begging you in my own way to notice me
to ask me what is wrong,
ask me about my problems and not those of others
but you are always busy with someone else
something else,and I just wait to see if tomorrow will be different
I pray that it will be different,
down on both of my knees hoping you will realize
how much I need the advice from you
the one I look up to the most, the one that knows what I want
The one that knows how I think better then I do.....
I just want the old you back
_________________________
it's late and the fire is burning brightly in the main room
on this cold december night
it's been so long since I have been here
the months have gone by so slowly
and here I am, there you are
laying down on the couch
shadows flicker across your face
from orange to yellow to dark
the fire brings out your beauty
looking at you with the fire blazing
the similairites the two of you have
the warmness you bring to me
the mysetery you hide deep in the heart of it
the bright radiant colors
Im afraid to get to close to you
for fear of being burnt, but looking at you now
sleeping I just want to hold you and never let you go
_____________________________
I see the long wavy hair
that falls to her back
bouncing so gracefully
as she turns to me
looks at me iwth eyes that just put me in atrance
my world shut downs because of her
her laugh her smile that can brighten my day
the way she hugs me
the way she loves me
i seea ll this in this vision
the vision of the perfect girl
MY perfect girl
yet she is not within reach
these standards that i have set
are to high for the person I will become
____________________________
The snow falls
scurring down to the ground
The flakes twist and turn as they fall
doing loopty loops to prolonge the beauty
As it begins to fall harder the visibitly decreases
The snow has taken over this world
And yet a calmness comes over me
I open the door and walk into the snow
The tranquilty of it all is remarkable
I lie down and let the snow bury me
for all the problems in my life
seem to go away and as the snow falls harder
It covers me and eventually the snow stops
and the weather warms up and I feel the snow melt
and as the snow melts around me
I feel that this shell of a body is melting away
and a new time for me has begun..
___________________________
This day comes closer
First it seemed so far away
and now it is right up on me
I tremble with the thought of what may happen
One mistake and who knows what
One slip and you could be gone
my safety blanket gone
the backbone of my world
As this day approaches
I feel my insides twisting
making me more scared then any moment in my life
When I drop you off I dont know what I will do...
I feel scared, that I could lose the one
that through thick and thin the one person
who will love me no matter what I become
could be gone... I love you mom
----------------------
I feel like I'm hanging from a pole that hangs over a bottomless pit and my fingers are slowly slipping away.. now my pinky is all that remains. My friends are grabbing at my arm but the sweat released from my pores, my arm slips through their hands and now my body flies down, my friends looking down.. as my body begins to grow smaller and my voice screaming "I'm sorry" is growing fainter and fainter. Their eyes begin to well up and tears begin to fall streaming down their face. Falling from their chins, chasing me into the dark abyss. As I am falling and falling, the air is becoming warmer and warmer. My heart begins to skip beats painfully beating within my chest, my muscles are beginning to tighten. my voice is so parched that I can not scream anymore.. my eye lids are becoming heavy and soon shut.. and with that all is ended.
----------------------
I wake up and I fight this urge
People tell me to stop
They tell me it's killing me
They dont know how it feels
so I take it out and light it up
I breathe in and the smoke fills my lungs
And my nerves relax and I can go on
Then comes work.. The beeps
The stress
The same thing over and over again
The shift ends and I try to resist
I cant it pushes me to the edge
again
I take it out and light it up
The smoke fills my lungs and relaxes me
I know that this tar, this drug
has over come me and is attacking me
killing me, but I dont care
it is stopping me from killing myself
from losing my mind
this drug is addiciting
but is saving me
so to all you assholes
get off my ass and let me be
im smoking this cig not to kill you but to save me
----------------------------------------------
I see you before me
just sitting there
and all I want to do
Is go and sit next to you
apologize for what Ive done
Or more likely what I havent done
but only 2 muscles are moving
my heart and my hand
writing on this piece of paper
me legs wont move.. my arms wont move
my voice wont work
and all I want to do is say
Im sorry
-----------------------------------------------
Ive felt this way before
Not about you
but Ive felt this way before
the butterflies in the stomach
the weakness in the knees
Paralysis of the body
Ive felt all these symptoms before
Felt them all to well to know waht comes next
To know how the heart hurts.
To feel the warm tears stream across the face
to see you come into my life and then quickly leave
--------------------------
inspired by: LD
Confessing my feelings
I did that to you
I opened my heart
to you, I gave you all I had
I care for you
I only want the best for you
I only want waht makes you happy
I want no need you to be happy
yet that feeling will not come from me,
and i have come to expect this.. yet
all that I do ask of you..
is to answer this one question
are you my friend.. or has nothing
grown out of this?
...................................
inspired by LD
Waiting
I sit here waiting,
waiting for you,
waiting for an answer from you,
Waiting for the answer that I know
will devastate my life,
Waiting for my last ounce of life
to be squeezed out of me.....
.........................................................
inspired by: TL
I miss the times we used to have,
I miss how we would talk til the sun went down
and then came back up.
When we would tell each other everything.
I miss you being in my life
I see you and talk to you all the time
but still nothing is the same
we are drifting away
I feel like im drifting away from you
and you aren't noticing...
I wish I could find you again
find what we had before
let us relive it all over again
yet I cant and now my life is falling
falling completely down,
and noone will be there to pick me up
Well you always from now and ever will
be my best friend in my heart,
I will never be able to forget you
my friend... never in a moment.
............................................................
My life is falling down... im losing my health, my sanity, my friends, my car... ive lost my will to live........ but this time it is greater then it has ever been. I feel no use in me living. I feel like I am not an important part of anyone's life... I've drifted away from the people that I love, and even worse I find ways to hurt them..... I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, I've been depressed for sometime now, I cant remember what it is like to be happy... Any happy moments Ive had in life, are all clouded around bad memories. I dont know if Ive ever been loved by anyone.. I dont know waht love feels like, I know what it is like to be in love, but to have some one love me, im not sure if i have ever felt that, I dontknow whatit is like, itsjust everytihng hurts so much, i miss the days when I was being held and I felt like nothing could touch me at all,but taht person is gone or the person i knew is gone, left for good, and I have no one, she is out of my life, I think she loved me but I dont know... I dont know waht to believe...... I want her to, I want to believe that she did love me, and that she does still in some way..... I wnat to be loved, I want to be held, I want to not worry about living, just for 10 minutes, I want to be in heaven, I want to feel important to someone.. I want love.....
...................................................................
Aftermath:
All life I wished for the ability to go back in time
To change things that have happened to me in my life
And when that day came when you left me
I prayed and prayed wanting to take it back
Although I never got the power
It made me understand the meaning of life
Life works in mysterious ways, but things happen for a reason
I followed you step after step, groveling at your shoes
and now I understand that I wasnt happy
I wasnt happy for you were pushing me down
You were keeping me down. Love is pain so pain is love
The greatest joy ever felt came from your love
but the worst pain ever felt came also from you
You inconsiderate ways, your lying, your cheating
but worst of all your love!
Candy
You make me feel like a piece of candy
One moment Im all you want, the next you spit me out
You wade around in my puddle, and the next your jumping in another
You climb to the highest of my branches where it is hardest to hold you
Only to jump off to a bird and fly away from me.
One day it's me you want, the next it's someone else.
You hurt me with the things you do, you tear at my heart
You tear at my soul.
I know I shouldn't take it from you. I know I should move on
I know you're no good for me.
I dont understand why I stay, I dont understand why you do what you do.
Yet when the night comes you always end up next to me, holding me tight.
Everyday
My world has stopped
People fly by in a blurry haze
but I move so slowly
sound is high pitched and fast
I can not speak
I am paralyzed now almost dead
my heart split in two
for I have lost you
A reflection of the past
Drip Drip, the sound of the rain squeezing through the cracks of the ceiling falling on my head, but I do not move. I just gaze out the window watching the rain fall hitting the truck and the tractor, then exploding into multiple drops covering the dirt driveway and puddled filled lawn. The rain dripping on my head makes me think of the past. When we would run through the rain and hide in the truck when the lighnting struck and I how you would clench my body when the thunder boomed, and I would hold your body reassuring you that you were safe. And then the rain would stop, and we'd go home hoping the rain would start again soon. As the lightnening struck it awoke me from my daze, and as I wiped my forehead I realized tears were falling from my face exploding on the ground just as the rain did so long ago for I have lost you, I let you down so long ago and you're gone
The Night That Never Ended
click click click the turning signal clicks, the road clears up, I slowly turn the wheel pressing the gas pedal to the ground, the car slowly begins to accelerate the engine getting louder, the road twisting and turning the yellow squiggly signs warning no speed over 30 mph the speedometer climbing 58,59,60,61,62, tears streaming down my face thiking nothing is left in this world flashing lights from another car, the car flying by me in the opposite direction, my car's speed still climbing 70,71,72, snapping out of my trance slamming my foot on the brake pad to the ground. The car sliding in a frenzy fish tailing left then right then left. My hands begin to sweat gripping the wheel tighter and tighter, desperatly trying to gain control, the car spins in two complete circles, the tires squealing as the car comes to a quiet stop. looking in the mirror a l mixture of being terrified and relieved comes across my face, as the tears begin to flow once again from my eyes. I slowly put the car in park and turn the car off. Gathering my thoughts I quickly turn the car back on and drive off for home, wondering what had happened.
Darkness
Alone in the dark I look for you
The one who says they would be there for me
Always and forever, The one who disappears
Vanishes when I need them most
Abandons that promise, leaves me alone
To face this world of anger and hate
I feel the world slipping away from me
One minute after another my heart growing with hate
and despair. Becoming uneasy on living
This anger builds in me, grows and isnt leaving.
You weren't there for me to push down the pain
push down the thoughts, push away the hate
and it has consumed me.
And all that is left for me to do is to leave
Leave this ungrateful hating world behind
Dont blame yourself, please dont blame yourself
It's all my fault, I depended on you to much
Far too much and I needed you when you werent there
Now Im gone, gone far from the world as we know it.
Good bye my friend. Good by world. Good bye life
____________________________
Stranger
Feeling lost in the world with no one to go to
I never expected to turn in your direction
I never expected to see you there
I never wanted you to help me
I never wanted to rely on you
Yet you were there when no one else was
You helped when no one else would
You came out of no where and strengthened me
Showed me that the world is more then hate and
It isn't always full of lies.
________________________
Strength
Looking back at us, and all the things you said
I remember all the words you said, all the promises made
All the lies spoken, and the one thing that you always wanted
For me to be strong and strong on my own. I didnt know then
that you were right. It is now that I realize that is the way
I must live my life. I cant place happiness or my life
on the shoulders of another.
______________________________________
Decay
Eating Away
Eating Away my insides
Destroying my life from the inside out
Growing taking over my body
Taking over my decisions
I?m losing the will
The will to live
This disease it brings sympathy
But it pushes away love
It pushes away my life
It shortens my life and is killing me
This cancer grows, and blackens my heart
I push away the people I love, and the people that could love me
I stop meeting new people for fear that I will only hurt them in the future
I lose the chances at new friends
I lose the chance of falling in love
This cancer is destroying my life.
__
Why?:
Why do you do what you do?
Is there a reason?
Do you like what you do?
Do you know what you do?
Do you know how it hurts?
Do you know it tears at my heart?
Do you know it fucks with my mind?
Why do you do it?
How can you act like that?
You look like an Angel, but act like the Devil.
You fuck with my mind! You fuck with my mind!
Leading me on into a world of confusion
Why? Why? Why must you fuck with my mind?
You think I have feelings for you
and you still Fuck with my mind!
Trying to conquer me,
play with me as If I am your toy.
Well that is all over now
Im tired of always getting fucked and played
so Im gone!
_
Friends?:
You say you are my friend
But you judge me
You say its not a big deal
Yet it is a big deal for me
I cant do what I want to do
Or ill be unpopular
Or lose your respect for me
Over this one thing
What the fuck is that?
Why is it so bad?
Why are you prohibiting me?
You say do as you wish
But truly you don?t want me to
You want me to follow what you say
Be your toy, your minion
Why do I care so much of what you say?
What all of you say?
Why do I care so much at what you think?
Why must you judge me?
Why cant I be me and be accepted?
___________________________________-
An Untimely Call:
I cant believe I called you yesterday
The day so bright and beautiful
Hadn?t talked to you in a while
Didn?t know where you went
But the phone call, your voice
Reminded me of the times of old
In my mind the times of gold
And that day, the day that changed everything
The last day I talked to you
The day filled with confusion, regret, doubt and anger.
I?m sorry for that day, for it was the one that ruined us,
Just one day that ruined all we had
I?m sorry for that.
I guess now all I ask of you is to try and see past that day
I cant live with myself for doing that to you.
My world is filled nothing, my nights are lonely
I cant stand another day with out you, without your friendship
I ask of you to please forgive me of what I?ve done.
But know that all that has been said between us is the absolute truth
_______________________________________-
Let Down:
Let down
That?s what I feel
I don?t talk to you
And I feel so bad
When I talk to you
You drift away
You say you?ll call
But the phone doesn?t ring
I feel depressed
You say we?ll do something together
Yet you?re never home when I call
Why do I feel so depressed
Why is it like this
Why am I always getting Fucked?
Space:
Thoughts of you
Swim through my mind
Small connections form in my brain
To remind me of you
These connections are engulfing my brain
You are my only thought
The smell of a flower, reminds me of your hair.
A picture of a planet reminds me of your potential
Fairytales and countries remind me of all these memories we have shared.
Love:
What is love
How do you fall in love?
Is love the feeling of butterflies fluttering about in your stomach
When that someone walks by;
Or is it the way you smile when you hear their name
The way you get weak in the knee while talking to them
The way you feel when they hold your hand
Or is it the first kiss
When after nothing as you know it is the same
If these are the symptoms of love
Hopefully ill never be cured of it
Light of Day:
I wake up, with the thought of you
I end the day with the thought of you
I wait for the time when I see you
When it arrives, I am filled with happiness
It doesn?t matter if we are alone
Or in a group
The look upon your face
The way your eyes look upon mine
Warm my body up
Sitting down you place your head upon my shoulders
Your lips pressed upon min
I feel as if no thing could go wrong
I?m in heaven
A day with you goes by slow
A day without you goes by slowee
You are my reason to live, you give me hope
You are my light of day
_____________________________________________________-
The Sun:
As the sunrises
And as the sunsets
It is considered to be the most beautiful thing
The sky in such bright vibrant colors
It makes people smile, and feel warmth inside
People wonder why this is
And I have come to conclusion
That when people enjoy a the coming or going of the sun
They are there with the people that they love
They remind me of you
All the beauty you possess
And the mystery within
Just looking at you is as if I am looking at the rising or setting of the sun
Lies:
I feel so confused when you?re with me
You say you love me and want me
When I?m not there you don?t
Love me, and don?t want me
I try to forget you move on
But you?ll always come back
I cant move past you
My mind my heart are set on you
I can love no one else
Because I love you so much
Yet you play these games
And hurt me so much
Mail Time:
Click, click, click to the left
Click, click, click to the right
The jingle of the handle
Moving the dial between the letters and hash marks
Eager to open the door
Yet hesistant to open the door.
For behind this door
Is one of happiness or sadness of the day
One last click back to the left.
The pull of the handle
The door swings open, slowly bending me knees and back
To look within this box
Empty no mail again
Slowly the door shuts with a click
And I return to my room
_________________________________________________-
At The Line:
My nervous mind
My stomach twisting and turning
I am standing waiting
With nothing on my mind
Except of what I must do
The time is getting closer and closer
My stomach twisting and turning more and more
My forehead begins to sweat,
My throat becomes scratchy
I walk to the line
?Runners?
?Set?
?Go?
Bang the gun goes off and smoke arises from the barrel
And at that same moment I spring from my position and begin to run
Phases:
It happened once again
I fell for this trap
I got sucked in
I thought wrong
I thought they may like me
I thought they did like me
I told them I liked them
And got hurt, they fucked with my mind
They said it was a phase
Id be over them in a week
That isn?t true
My mind is all confused
I thought they could like me
But forgot to remember
That they didn?t like me for there
Is nothing about me to like.
Hopelessness:
Hopelessness
Is this what I feel
Am I sad?
Do I have a reason?
Why am I?
Everything is ok
Of course it could be better
But that is how it always is
Im so confused
When will it be all over
When will I be free to love and feel again
Because right not my heart is captured
And I don?t know how to set it free
True Love:
I see it right in front of me
True love staring me in the eyes
I run to it
It moves away
Chasing it, it moves away faster and faster
I run and Jump catching it in mid-air
Thinking that I have found love
But right before I am safely upon the ground
It springs out of my grasp and pushes me
Throws me down hard onto the cold wet hard ground
Where I lay alone for the rest of time
____________________________________________________________________-
Average Boy:
I look in the mirror
And see me, myself
Staring back at me
But what am I?
Why am I me?
Why am I the way I am?
Who am I?
I look in the mirror staring harder
And all I can find
Is an ugly boy
Low self esteem, self confidence blown
An average boy
Nothing special about him
Thinking:
I guess it?s just me
I put myself into these positions
My life was good
But I threatened it
I threaten my way of life all the time
Whether it be with friends or family
I find the ways to hurt the people I care for
The people I love
Doing this I always hurt myself
Everytime increasing the pain
I hate myself for the things I think
Silence:
Silence this what I have for people
That I do not know
Or have just met
Why? Why can I not talk to them?
Why do I not talk to them?
?What do I have to lose by not talking to them? I say
I now know I have everything to lose
By not talking
I lose the chance at a friend
Possibly a great friend
This shyness kills me.
Not being eager to talk, I know I must change
But it?s so hard to
Hate:
This feeling builds up inside of you
Growing and growing
Everything effects you
Making it worse and worse
To the point where any one person?s voice
Drives you insane, to the point where you are on your last nerve
And as it slowly falls, you explode like an avalanche down a mountain
And blow up on the first person you see,
Not caring who they are
Only to realize this person is not the cause of your problems
And looking at them
They begin to cry and look horribly upon you running away
And you wonder to yourself what have I done?
And curse yourself for the hatred that is within you
Haunting:
What does it do to someone
Thinking of the girl
Months, years
After she is gone
And you never attempted to tell her how you feel
Do you ever get over her
Why do you tend to care so much about her
Why does this one person effect you so much
Why does your first love haunt you for life?
First Love:
Many would think that your first love
Is your first girlfriend, or your first time.
For me my first love was not my first girlfriend
And not the girl of my first time
Instead my first love is one of my greatest friends
Not a girl friend just a regular friend
How do I act towards her?
In my heart there is and always will be a spot for her.
That makes me care so much for her.
Dreams:
Slipping into a land full of dreams
I open my eyes only to see the most beautiful face
That I have ever seen
A smile comes across my face
And knowing she is mine
I kiss her forehead and her eyes slowly open
Cracking her mouth to whisper the words
I love you before falling back to sleep.
Falling in Love:
Walking forward towards the light
Moving quickly with out a fight
Now starting to run
I feel the sun beating down on me
I begin moving slower my limbs,
Limbs becoming weary, slowing down, I attempt to move turn around
But my legs wont move. My eyes, my mind, my heart wont allow me to
Im stuck moving closer to this light, like a moth attracted to a flame
As my will begins to break, the ground falls out and I fall crashing to the ground
Grasping at anything I can get my hands on. Searching desperately for a way out.
As I begin to slowly climb up the wall
I think to myself, why is it so easy to fall in love, but so hard to climb out of?
Gone:
I left my world, gone to journey to something new
You let me into your world
You showed me the ropes
Allowing me to start over again
You accepted me for who you thought I was
Opened the doors to your world.
Even after the people before you had shut them in my face
You kept yours open. You kept all the doors open but one
The one that allowed me to exit, and now as you struggle to keep the door shut
It is swinging open.
And as hard as we try I cant help but not move toward the door, to leave everything again
For another world.