Title: Chocolate and Confinement
Author: Kelsie B.
Email: [email protected]
Status: Complete
Category: Humor
Pairings: None
Spoilers: None
Season/Sequel Info: Season One
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: Minor language
Summary:  The infamous 13th mission....

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

Chocolate and Confinement

Jack walked in to Daniel's office, pausing once he crossed the threshold to marvel at the collection of items the archaeologist had managed to amass in such a short time.  He found Daniel hunched over at his desk, peering at miniscule writing on a small vase.  "Busy?" he asked, startling Daniel out of his concentration on the object. 

He pushed his glasses up on his nose before giving Jack an annoyed glance.  "Yes," he said shortly, going back to his work.

Jack pulled up a stool to sit beside him.  "We didn't bring all this stuff back, did we?" he asked, looking around again.

Daniel's eyes never left the vase as he answered.  "No, Jack, there are nine SG teams in the field right now, and they all bring back their own...stuff...as you call it.  This is just its final destination," he said.

"More like its final resting place," Jack mumbled, picking up a mask from the desk.  He peered into its eyes.  "This guy looks very unhappy," he said, trying it on for size.

Daniel glanced over at him again.  "Well, I think he's the Mayan god of the dead, so humor would be a little out of place.  Did you..ah...want something, Jack?"

Jack peered at him from behind the mask.  "Just wanted to remind you about the mission today."

"P91-033," Daniel replied, eyes back on his vase.

"And reassure you that there was no reason to be nervous, or anything," Jack finished.

"Why would I be nervous about P91-033?  They seem to be the first civilization we've encountered that is at least open to the idea of sharing technology."

"Oh, I wasn't talking about the guys on 033 - I'm sure they'll be a blast.  It's just that this is our thirteenth mission," he said.  "And it's Friday the 13th, and we're due to leave out at 1300.  You know what that means."

"Yes, it obviously means whoever is scheduling our missions has a bad sense of humor," Daniel said, as he put down the vase down, and began to type away on his computer.  "I'm not superstitious." 

"Neither am I," Jack assured him, a little too quickly.  "I just wanted to make sure that you were okay with it."

"Of course I'm okay with it, Jack.  It's not like we can skip it, just go straight from mission twelve to fourteen like the floors in an office building, or something," he mumbled.

"I like that attitude," Jack said, fiddling with the mask again.

"You know, I'd be careful with that if I were you," Daniel said, nodding toward the mask.

"Why - doesn't look breakable," Jack said, peering at it closer.

"It's not breakable, it's cursed."  He smiled softly as Jack returned the mask hurriedly to the desk.  "Or so they say.  I don't really believe in that sort of thing."

"Not funny, Daniel," he said, standing.

"See you at 1300, Jack," Daniel said, returning to his work.

"Yeah, see you then," Jack said, giving the mask another glance as he left.

"You're clear to proceed, SG-1," Hammond said from the control room.  "Pentach Kroll has approved your access, and you are cleared to proceed to their quarantine area."

"Quarantine area?  They know something about gate travel that we don't?" Jack said to Sam as they walked up the ramp.

"It's just a precaution, I'm sure, sir," she answered.  "Most gates probably aren't in a sealed bunker hundreds of feet underground."

"Just a precaution," Jack said, as they stepped through.  When they emerged, they were enveloped in a cloud of vapor.  Cold, cold vapor.  It seeped into every pore in Jack's body.  He looked around quickly, making sure his team was all accounted for.

"This part of the quarantine, Captain?" Jack asked Sam.

She shook her head.  "I don't know, sir.  I assume so," she said, then gave a startled jump as several men emerged from the fog, their full body suits giving them a ghostly appearance.  They motioned for SG-1 to move forward, and Jack strained to get a look at their faces through the thick protective shields of their headgear. 

"Ah, excuse me," he said, tapping on one's shoulder.  "Where are we going?"

A voice boomed out from above them.  "You must proceed with the quarantine before being allowed to enter our facility.  Please cooperate fully."

Jack raised his hands in mock surrender.  "Hey, we're cooperating."

"You will now disrobe and proceed to the disinfecting chamber."

"Whoa - disrobe?" Jack said, looking around for the disembodied voice in vain.  "You never said anything about disrobing."

"You must be disinfected, and all your belongings must be sanitized.  Do you wish to proceed, or do you wish to go back to the gateway?"

"What do you guys think?"  Jack said to the others.

"It appears we must remove our clothing or proceed back to Earth,"  Teal'c said calmly.  "What is your decision, O'Neill?"

He gave Sam an uncomfortable glance.  "We have a lady here, Teal'c, and I'd prefer we didn't have quite this level of team bonding, you know?  Daniel, can you try..."

Daniel cleared his throat.  "It is not the custom on our planet for male and female co-workers to...disrobe...in front of one another."  No response.  "To do so would be socially unacceptable."

Jack rolled his eyes; 'socially unacceptable'?  What happened to taboo, totally forbidden, no way in hell....

Another voice answered Daniel, this one considerably more dry and sarcastic.  "This is not a social occasion.  This is a disinfecting chamber.  The fact that this woman is here implies that she is a full and active member of your team, and I would assume that no other allowances are made for her in the field.  Proceed."

Three sets of eyes met Jack's, and he squirmed under the pressure.  "If this ever gets out in the SGC...." he mumbled.

"I think it's safe to say you can count on us keeping this quiet," Daniel said.

Jack reached up to unhook his pack.  "Carter - no peeking."

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir," she said.

They made quick work of removing their packs and clothing, all the while doing their best to keep their eyes off one another.  Jack noticed that Teal'c had undressed quickly, but was now refusing to relinquish his staff weapon to the men in white that surrounded them.

"I assure you it is quite sanitary," he growled as one of the men reached for it.

"I don't think they're buying it, Teal'c," Jack said.  Teal'c reluctantly handed over his weapon a moment later, and Daniel just as reluctantly handed over his glasses, the last thing he took off.

"What now?" Jack said, shivering a little in the cold mist.  One of the men motioned them forward, into a small chamber.  It appeared to be a giant lucite box, its outer walls pierced by several holes.

"Oh, I don't like the look of that," Daniel said, rubbing his arms for warmth.

"Doesn't look like we have much of a choice.  I'll go first," Jack said, stepping forward.

"You will all go in at once.  The cycle will only run one time," the voice boomed out again.

"Come on, that thing's not five foot square!" Jack protested.

"Proceed, or return to your planet of origin."

"That's looking better all the time," Jack warned.

"Let's just get it over with," Daniel said quietly. 

Sam sighed, but nodded.  "I agree, sir."

Jack led them forward, and they crowded into the box together, watching warily as it closed shut behind them.  Keeping his eyes averted from Sam was becoming something of a challenge, and Jack looked away quickly when he caught a glimpse of a gently rounded breast, and gave a silent prayer of thanks that it was so cold.  They stood quietly for a moment before hearing the grinding of equipment moving toward them.  Several metal implements surrounded the box, their telescoping arms reminding Jack of a huge metal man-eating plant.  After moving into place around all sides of the box, they came to a halt.

"Now what?" Jack said softly.  He was answered with silence, and drew back his shoulders.  "Hey!  I asked..."

His next words were cut off as a blast of water hit him full in the face, quickly followed by a myriad of other streams that seem to be aimed at every sensitive part of his body.  And compared to the cold mist of earlier, they were hot.  Steamy hot. 

He stumbled backwards, but there was nowhere to stumble to that didn't involve coming into contact with another member of his team.  It wasn't long before the four of them were tangled in a knot of arms and legs, and not surprisingly, a few moments later they tumbled to the floor like a game of Twister gone wrong.  Jack fought to get a hand across his face before the water managed to scour the insides of his eyelids and resigned himself to huddling in a ball until the barrage ended.

Which it finally did, leaving them all gasping on the floor.  Jack pried open his stinging eyes and groped for a handhold, pulling back a hand that had ended up on the rear end of one of his team - he wasn't checking which one - and finally managed to get to his feet.

Apparently the team had sufficiently bonded, since none of them even bothered to avert their eyes from one another as they also climbed to their feet.  Carter was mopping her hair out of her eyes and the glare she was giving the machine surrounding them would have scared an entire marine battalion.  Daniel was cursing under his breath in God knew what language, and Teal'c was growling in a way that was decidedly bad news for the next person to confront them.

"Decontamination cycle complete," a voice droned to them as the box they were in opened again, the machine clicking back into its former position.  "Welcome to the Mediarra Gateway Base."

Several men approached them again, this time bearing what appeared to be a twisted sort of gun in one hand, and a jumpsuit in the other.  All of SG-1 took an instinctive step back.

"We simply need to take a sample of your blood," one volunteered.  "Then you will be allowed to dress and proceed to the next level of quarantine."

"How much of a sample?" Jack asked suspiciously.

The man visibly sighed.  "A small one," he said.

Jack held out his arm with a grimace.  "And what's the next level?" he asked.

Jack paced around the small room, pulling at the scratchy collar of his jumpsuit.  One sample of blood and they would be allowed to dress.  Yeah, right.  Dress and "proceed to the next level of quarantine", where every other bodily fluid was sampled and an array of other tests done.  The mission hadn't even started and he was exhausted.  He hadn't seen any of his team since this second phase had begun, and the next person he saw had better have some answers on when he would see them - and some dinner.

The door swung open a moment later, and the man who walked in greeted him with a tight smile.  "Colonel O'Neill.  Please be seated," he said, motioning for Jack to sit.

"I'd prefer to stand.  And you are?" Jack asked, looking him over. 

The man flushed all the way from his balding head to the tips of his toes, five feet away.  "Pentach Kroll's assistant, Jolan Noch.  You don't have to be difficult," he said waspishly, taking a seat himself.

"Difficult is what my team and I have just been through," Jack answered.  "I assume we're all sanitized and ready to be released into your oh so pristine world?"

"That is what I've come to discuss.  Captain Carter and Teal'c are free to join you after we speak.  The other...must be discussed."

"Daniel?  What have you done with him?" Jack said, his eyes narrowing.

Jolan Noch gave him a disdainful glance.  "It has been determined that he is under the influence of a controlled substance.  I do not know what the standards are for your teams, but I assure you that such substance abuse is not tolerated in our society."

"Daniel?  On drugs?"  Jack asked again.  His mind wrestled briefly with the thought, then dismissed it outright.  "You're wrong.  Test him again."

"We have - several times.  The results are the same and undeniable.  He is in custody and will remain so for the time being.  Have you no means for testing the health of your team members on your own planet?" he said.

"We do, and we test frequently.  Daniel's record is completely clean."  He paused.  "When can I see him?"

"I will arrange something."

"And I want to know just what kind of drug it is that you found," Jack demanded.

"It is called cherastophaline.  Very potent, and the level in his blood was quite high.  In addition, he was found to be carrying it in concentrated amounts in his belongings.  I assure you we have made no mistake."

"Carrying it in his....do you mind showing me a sample of this...whatever you called it?" Jack asked, baffled.

"Certainly."  Jolan walked to the door, and spoke briefly to someone outside, who returned shortly with a file.  "Here is an image of the substance."

Jack looked at the report, stared up at Jolan Noch, then back down again.  "Chocolate.  This is chocolate."

"The drug is suspended in a consumable base - we assume to make its oral delivery more pleasant.  However, the concentration of cherastophaline in this substance is undeniable."

Jack shook his head in disbelief.  "You mean caffeine?  You've got to be kidding."

"I assure you we are most serious.  This obviously is not taken to be a crime on your world," Jolan Noch regarded him with disgust, "but here it is most certainly a serious offense, and he will be prosecuted."

Jack pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes in frustration.  "Did you say I could see Captain Carter and Teal'c?"

"Yes."

"Well, send them in," Jack growled.  

He was joined a few moments later by Carter and Teal'c.  "Sir, are you okay?" Sam asked as she sat down beside him.

"Just peachy, Carter.  You?"  he asked tightly.

"Where is Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked quietly.

Jack sighed.  "That's what we have to talk about.  Turns out he's been taken into custody.  Caffeine is apparently an illegal drug on this planet."

Sam started to smile, then got serious when she saw Jack's face.  "You're not joking, are you?"

"Nope," Jack said.  "And knowing Daniel, he probably looks like one world-class addict to them, given what I know he consumes in coffee alone each day."

"Oh, boy," Sam said quietly.  "I'm glad I passed on that Diet Coke at lunch.  So what do we do?"

"Well, I'm going to see if I can schedule some time with our "addict". You guys keep your eyes and ears open for any way we can get Daniel out of this."

"And our mission?" Sam ventured.

"I think it's safe to say that's on temporary hold," Jack said sharply. "But hey - knock yourself out if you want to start those negotiations for technology, Captain."

"You're kidding," Daniel said for the fourth time.

"Hammond will send in a negotiator, once he knows about this.  We'll find some way to get you out," Jack said, rubbing a weary hand over his face.

"Why?" Daniel suddenly asked.

"Why what?" Jack replied.

"Why would he send in a negotiator?  Technically, I am guilty as charged."

"Daniel, it's caffeine," Jack said impatiently.

"But to these people, it's an illegal drug, and I just broke several of their laws, Jack."  He stood to pace around the room.  "Ignorance of the law doesn't excuse me."

"So you want to stay here and stand trial, Daniel?  'Cause you're guilty, you know," Jack shot back.

"Yes...no....I mean...."

"Daniel, you did not leave Abydos to spend the next twenty years in prison on some planet for the possession of coffee and chocolate," Jack said.  "And if negotiation doesn't work, we'll have to..."

Daniel held up a finger.  "Stop right there, Jack.  The SGC is not going to send in the troops to break me out of jail."

Jack sighed, then stood.  "I'm simply saying that talk might not get us out of this one, Daniel.  And you're too valuable to the SGC."

"Maybe there was some truth to that whole Friday the thirteenth thing," Daniel mumbled.

Jack motioned for the guard to come to the door.  "I'll be back later - just hang tight."

"Yeah," Daniel said, clasping his arms tight around him as he stared at the wall past Jack's head.

Jack started to speak again, then stopped, and when the guard opened the door, he left without another word.  As he turned to walk down the hallway, he was met again by Jolan Noch.

"Colonel O'Neill," the bureaucrat said, trying to match Jack's stride.  "I see you've been to see Dr. Jackson."  When his only response was a glare, he continued.  "The case against him is solid, you know.  He's going to prison for a very, very long time. Unless...."

Jack halted, and the little man skidded to a stop beside him.  "Unless?"  Jack said.

"I do have some contacts in the government.  It might be possible to work out a deal, and extradite Dr. Jackson back to his home planet.  With the understanding that he undergo treatment for his addiction."

"Why do I get the feeling that you won't do this just out of the kindness of your heart?"  Jack said, crossing his arms.

"Many of our planet's people are addicted to cherastophaline.  The effects of the drug have yet to be studied fully, and to do that, we'd need more of the substance than we can afford, given its high cost here through illegal channels.  However, if you could secure us more of this substance for our research...."

"Research - right," Jack said, rolling his eyes.  "Just how much is this stuff worth here?  I'm guessing you already know that."

"I assure you I have only the most honorable intentions in mind," Jolan Noch said.  "Can you get it?"

"I can get it - how will I get it through the decontamination gauntlet?"  Jack said.

"Just leave that to me - do I have your word, Colonel?"

Jack swallowed hard, then nodded.  "You'll get what you want.  And we'll get Daniel back, no strings attached."

Jolan Noch nodded, then continued down the corridor.  Jack spun on his heel and headed back to Daniel's cell.

"No, Jack - you can't," Daniel protested, waving a hand.  "It's immoral, not to mention illegal......"

"Daniel, it's caffeine!" Jack said, slamming a hand down on the table.  He hadn't expected Daniel to protest what seemed to him a perfectly good plan.  For the price of a few cases of Snickers bars and some Starbuck's coffee, Daniel was out of here.   "I'm trafficking in caffeine, okay?  I can live with that."  He watched the emotions warring with each other on Daniel's face.  "Would you prefer we sent in the troops instead?"

"I just wish there was another way," Daniel said, then stopped.  "Maybe there is," he said, giving Jack a small smile.

Jack stood in the corridor with Jolan Noch, who was looking extremely pleased after Jack's last trip through the gate.  "As I was saying," he said, "the arbiters of Dr. Jackson's case are coming around to the merits of allowing him to be released into your custody."

"Coming around?" Jack said.  "I thought we had a deal."

"Oh, we do, we do - I'd just like to ensure that we have an adequate supply for our research.  It might take, oh, years to find solutions to the drug addition epidemic here."

"I'm sure it will," Jack said, rolling his eyes.  "So you want me to make some sort of regular trips back here?  I don't think my skin will hold up to your decontamination process one more time."

"Teams are beginning to go through the gate from our planet, Colonel.  Perhaps some mutual rendezvous - it can be arranged."

"You've really got big plans, don't you?" Jack said, not meeting his eyes.

"Big plans," Jolan Noch agreed.  He was surprised a moment later by two guards, who each took one of his arms.  Pentach Kroll joined Jack, who looked down at a sputtering Jolan Noch with satisfaction.

"Too bad about those plans," Jack said, as they led him away.

"Thank you, Colonel.  Without your help, we could never have uncovered this conspiracy," Pentach Kroll said.

"My pleasure - and now, Dr. Jackson?" Jack said.

"Yes, your Dr. Jackson.  He'll be released at once.  You should really get that man some assistance," he said. 

"I'll see what I can do," Jack said innocently.