Note: Please forgive my ramblings and thought/idea jumping – there will be quite a bit of that in this reflection. Some of these thoughts came to me a year or more ago, while others were just as recent as a few days or months ago. Regardless, they are my thoughts, and they may not always make sense. Think of me as you will, the thoughts that follow are my reflection on the life I've lived these past four years and what it's made me.
A lot can happen in four years. College is a time for growing up and experiencing new things, all the while taking classes. Among other things, I've volunteered at the medical center, gone white-water rafting, and tried to get back into shape. Personally, it was also a time to heal and figure out some of the things I wanted out of life. There was no need to hide from anyone anymore, including myself. Clean sheet, fresh slate. What have I learned?
Music is and always will be in my heart.
Unless I listen to the same types of radio stations day in and day out and get sick of the songs, in which case I really do need something else (thanks AL for giving me other stations to listen to – finally, something else to listen to in Davis!).
But in general, music, in any type and form… It's still my escape. How many times has the radio come on with the perfect song to match my mood, my thoughts? Honestly, there have been too many times to count. Simple Plan's "Perfect", Evanescence's "My Immortal", and even Britney's "Every Time" (as poorly sung as it is) all immediately come to mind from recently. And each and every time something like that happens, it's amazing. A song's lyrics and melody can do so much for a person…
And there's also something about the piercing notes of a really good brass ensemble, the trembling caused by a tympani (except when it's right in your ear – ahh, one downfall of being a soprano sometimes), the smooth, mellow sounds of the strings and the winds…
The chills one gets in the presence of a really good vocalist/vocal group…
Taking a year off from choir to finish off classes made me realize how much I really do love to sing… And how much of a release it is for me. Bowling could only do so much (all right, stop laughing now; it was only one quarter). I needed my choir, my choral director, the focus I get when I just sing… I'm terrified of the time I know I will spend away from the choir scene once I leave Davis to pursue whatever career is ahead of me. Where will my release be? What could ever take the place and joy I feel whenever I'm on-stage doing something I love to do?
People have commented on how "uptight" I get pre-concert. I don't know. I guess I do, but I really don't think anything of it, because I know I'm not mentally there right at that moment. I need something to focus on, and what better thing to focus on than achieving perfection? I already know that the concert will be the highlight of ten weeks' worth of rehearsals. It's a given because Jeffrey puts his heart into directing all of us – how can we not be inspired to do the same and give our hearts into our performances? My goal pre-performance is to put on the best show I can possibly give, and to do that, I have to focus. I really don't know how else to explain it.
There's power in music, in song. I've felt it before, the latest time being in March when I sang and suddenly realized I wasn't the only one singing from me/for me. I wasn't alone. Some…thing was right there with me, supporting me and helping me sing my best, making my voice more than what it is. And knowing that comforted me.
Just as another time, another morning a little earlier in the year (close to the end of February, to be exact), I had woken up to have a Goo Goo Dolls song in my head. Comfort in one of their songs? Incredibly, yes… After having questioned God's existence again the night before and almost crying myself to sleep for all the stress I was under… To quote my journal entry from that morning: "Talk about a wake-up call! Having, or at least knowing that the Goo Goo Dolls's "Iris" was in my head this morning is one thing, but to actually force myself to listen to the words in relation to what I told you [God] last night… You scare me, God, and amaze me. I still don't know what to make of it, knowing that you had answered something for me in a way that I could understand and accept. Thank you for that."
There is power there. And yet, I've found a certain amount of peace to the whole spirituality/theology conflict that has been in me since junior high. Ten years later, I accept the fact now that I will probably never be able to understand it all – and that I don't have a need to. God is here, and will help me when it is fitting for me to be helped. It's as the song says: "I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."
Yes, I still question, but I also accept the fact that I will not get all the answers, if any. For now, I think it's enough for me to go to church willingly – it's a big step forward for me, going of my own will because I want to learn considering I spent many more years fighting it. What comes of this in the future… We'll see.
As for the future, well… You know, the more time has passed, the more I realize how much past circumstances and situations and people influence and shape who I become. I know, I know – that's a really obvious thing to say, but it's true. Take, for instance, my family.
"Family. So often, you want to hate them. But they're family and you're obliged to love them, right?
"Contradictions. 'You're not good enough to sing, why bother?' 'You're not that great at the piano, why don't you play something for your ninong?' 'Don't you remember she memorized pieces.' 'Davis? Can you still transfer to Berkeley?' 'Is she going to Davis too? Wow! Berkeley!' 'HSS. It's safer.' 'TJS is better for junior high.' 'MCHS for the name and challenge.' Always for the name. Always the prestige.
"'We don't compare you two.' 'Why aren't you in GATE?' 'Look! She got straight A's ... again. How are you doing?' 'She got almost perfect on all her national test scores.' 'It's okay as long as you did your best.' 'You can do whatever you want, we'd be proud of you… But we'd still like you to be a doctor.' 'You're a role model for your sister.' 'Why can't you be more like her? ...'
"The unspoken truth. I'm not her. I hate having to live up to the same standards as she does. How do you expect me to be happy if I'm always put down? Never content. Push too hard and I do break. And I cry. You see weaknesses when I see strengths but because they're wrong in your eyes, I hesitate on my own convictions. What I see doesn't matter. You're older and wiser. You know what's best for me. Who cares if I'm unhappy? It'll be good for me.
"'I don't like you going out so much. It's dangerous. Stay home and be babied. Stay home and do nothing.' Family obligations. Go out and have fun. Why bother staying home then? I'm not a baby and I want to have fun. I want to explore on my own now that I am able to because before, you sheltered me. Tired of staying home and doing nothing. Need to get out. Need to be free. Want adventure. 'Dangerous.' I'm not a child! 'Pray.' I can't. 'Believe.' I won't… But for your sake, I will. Pretend.
"Look up to your elders. Do what they ask. Obligations. Never for your own. 'Don't play that. What about some classical?'"
It's scary how dark that was. No, my thoughts regarding my family aren't that bad anymore. Those thoughts were mine I believe a year or so ago. That was a time when I hated coming home and avoided it when I could. Why? Simply put, I didn't like how I felt when I was at home (could you not tell?). Living on my own, away from my parents I could get away from all those expectations, all the criticisms. Away from home, my freedom is mine and I crave it. I don't have to excuse myself and I don't need permission to go out to do the things I want to do or have to do. I don't have to tell them that I'm just going to work, or going to school, or ask to go out with my friends or go out period.
My decisions are my own. I know they worry, but there's a difference between worrying and stifling, and I finally had the courage to say something about that to my mother last year. It came in the form of a letter and a conversation – mostly, the letter. God, how that letter hurt to write. How it hurts to read it again, despite the fact that it's been months/almost a year since I first wrote it and gave it to her.
Yet, writing that letter was one of the best things I could have done for myself at the time. Despite the pain it caused to both of us, it opened things up between my mom and I. Things still aren't perfect – lately, I think I've just seen too much of my family to want to be around them again for awhile. It's still hard when I'm home and I just want to go out and do the things I want to do because I have to let them know where I am just so they know. It's hard relinquishing my control when I'm at home. But they're my parents, so what can I do?
As for my sister… I'm ever thankful for the closeness we have – it honestly amazes me sometimes when I see how not everyone is as close to their siblings as I am with mine… And yet we too are growing… Apart? I don't know. Definitely growing up (although she'll rub it in my face that I literally stopped doing that years ago). As much as I was sheltered, I know I helped shelter her more in some ways, and not so in others. I'm still proud of the fact that she and I were able to convince the parents to let her go to Australia. She had such a great time (despite the drama), and I knew that that was something she needed.
But where are we to each other now? We're close, but over these past four years, I've told her less and less. She's told me roughly the same amount as before, always open, always trusting. I admire her for that and hope that this cruel world won't ever take that away from her – I can only hope, at least. But my eyes have seen trusts broken, friendships lost. It's hard for me to talk to her about things she hasn't herself gone through yet… Because she's still at home, under the watchful eyes of our parents.
Maybe when she's older will I be able to talk a little bit more freely with her. It's not like I'm trying to hide things from her. I just don't know what she'd think of me sometimes… Because I am a role model, and she looks up to me still. There are just some things I can't do or say quite just yet in my own family, and it hurts a little when I see how my friends are all pretty open with theirs. What's with this silence in mine that we can't bond and share like other families I know?
Take the subject of guys and relationships, for instance. I don't know whether to laugh or just scream at frustration with my mom sometimes. Lately, she's been asking more and more if I've found a guy yet, if I'm dating… What's the deal, when whenever this topic comes up, she always ends it with a 'don't worry, you'll find the right guy at the right time; there's no need for pressure, and don't you dare feel pressured to do anything about it'? Okay, she wants me to go out and have fun and even date, but she also wants me to wait and be careful, to not rush things. As if I didn't know this already! Through my own experiences and observations, doesn't she know I'm coming to know what exactly I want in a relationship? Yes, this goes beyond the whole "he needs to be musical (preferably in both voice and instrument (preferably string or woodwind)), needs to cook, be tall, dark, and handsome," etc… Although, I really wouldn't mind a guy who knows how and will willingly dress up to look nice once in awhile…
Four years ago, guys were on equal footing with drama, and I didn't need either of them in my life. Since then, I've had a crush on a guy who lived with me next door at the dorms (whom I still consider one of my friends, although I admit missing spending more time with him; how'd we do that after sharing so many classes together our first year AC!?), got together and broke up with a guy I still have yet to meet from the other side of the country (CD, when will that time ever come!?), made up with one of my high school friends (who ended up living a few blocks away for two years and then moved into the same apartment complex as another of my closest friends), gone to a banquet with someone I met my second year (SE, I'm still waiting for you to come by the lab sometime so I can show you the surgeries I do ;) ), crushed on a co-worker, got together and broke up with another guy after an intense month, hooked up for a night that left me quite emotional for the next couple of weeks (all right, I admit months now), gone on a date with someone who reminded me of two key guys from high school, have talked to a handful of guys online in recent months… What have I learned from all of that?
I'm picky. Enough said. I don't care what my aunts and uncles and mom may be thinking. I don't care about the "spinster" image it gives me (of all the stupid ideas about me!). I know what I want, and I also know I haven't found it all yet in any of the guys I've gotten to know over these four years. I'm not going to settle for less than that because, as AV says, "every woman deserves to be treated as a queen." More importantly, I want a guy who can accept me for who I am and help push me to be the best possible person I can be, to walk with me every step of the way.
Good conversations, I've had, but not with the spark or the intensity that I'd like. Devotion, I've had, to the extreme point where I was stifled and wanted out. Heh, the good looks, I've crushed on them, but they lacked the maturity I need in a lasting relationship. Fun, I've had too, to the point where I was left wondering if there was anything more to it than just that (ahh, the wishful thinking of someone who was tempted to give it all, but couldn't because she didn't know what the other guy was thinking, all the while hoping and wishing that one day, she would… because she craves the full package). The friendship… Few ever get to know me for who I am, how I work and think. Fewer still are the guys who get to that point. One day, perhaps… (CD, you're the one who's gotten the closest. Thank you.)
I require a guy who is intelligent. I need to have decent conversations, and I need someone who can push me as well. I'd like to talk about things that interest me, that interest him. I'd like it for ideas to bounce off each other between us. I'd like it for us to be able to talk things through, whatever the topic may be.
I'd also like a guy that can make me laugh. Humor (at the appropriate time) is appreciated – and for someone like me, necessary. I don't know where they get it from, but my friends think I need to lighten up. For the most part, I guess I agree, so yes. I need someone to laugh and fool around and smile with.
At the same time, I need a guy who understands that not everything is based on conversation. While it's crucial to my current idea of an ideal relationship, I'd also like for there to be times when nothing has to be said at all and things are fine. I like being in the same room with someone, doing our separate things, and not worrying about a thing. I don't want a puppy who needs the constant attention, the constant reassurance that I'm there. I want someone I can count on to not be paranoid or worried that anything he did or said could drive me away. I'm there and he's there for a reason, right?
That being said, I still need the physical contact. Yes, even crave it at times. It's hard sometimes watching others embrace their respective loved ones, and most often, I find myself looking away – for their privacy as well as my sanity. Those would be nice sometimes, the close embraces, as would be the massages I expect to give and take (I've gotta be selfish at least some of the time, right?). The kisses, I can give or take or leave, whatever, but it's the small gestures… The hugs… The holding hands… The playing with one's hair (am I weird?)… I want someone to cuddle with.
Those who know me best know that I can be one emotional person, and based partially on that reason, it's hard for me to get to know people. I require connection, and connection usually only comes with time spent together. My friends are proof of that.
I know my definition of friendship has changed. In kindergarten, I wanted to be friends with the pretty girl, so I sat next to her that first day of school. She snubbed me though, so I found a different group of girls to play with because that was what friends were for, to play with.
In second grade, my friends helped me chase after my crush. A group of us girls chased after a group of guys and that was what friends did. We stuck together... And took advantage of each other at times as well. I was naïve, I agree. I let my "best friend" trade me my favorite set of markers for her piece of candy. I still miss those markers...
In fourth grade, there was a girl who said that if I was her best friend, I'd have to play with her every recess. If I didn't, I got pinched (hard!). Yeah, I know that really wasn't what a best friend was for, but I played along for the most part. I didn't want to get pinched!
In fifth and sixth grade, I had two best friends, and the three of us made "the three, evil sisters." So much for sticking together in the end. KV, I wonder what's become of you, if you ever truly grew up or got stuck in the ghetto (forgive me my negative views; I never heard of anything positive happening afterwards). LN… Six years of friendship destroyed by distance and a boy. Would any of us even recognize each other anymore?
Junior high was just a transition time. Yes, I had my 'best friend(s)', but by then, I already knew these wouldn't last. HSS wasn't the place for me to build such relationships, at least not the lasting ones. Yes, I do think of some of them once in awhile, and would be happy to catch up with a couple of people (and see how my crush from those years turned out in the end… but that's a totally different story ;) ), but those friendships weren't the deep kind that I've come to treasure now.
High school… Sometimes, people ask about high school, the people I used to hang out with then, especially now that it's been awhile since those days. Usually, I smile or laugh it off because the past is just that. The past, and it doesn't hurt so much anymore. But then I sometimes think about it when I'm alone with nothing better to do and I reflect. I shared and spilled my heart and dreams to quite a few people, the people I used to call my friends.
And to them, it didn't matter. In the end, the group was divided over the boy situation, and it ended with me being shut out. No, it doesn't hurt anymore. The betrayal… No, it's not even a betrayal, at least not anymore. It was a definite learning experience. Only two people saw the changes in me and warned me of them and helped me out of that darkness. The others… Saw it as me hurting an innocent and not seeing it as me being hurt by the situation. They didn't help when I was torn up emotionally because they couldn't see it – they only saw (and from what I hear, still do) the superficial.
I do not consider myself a very difficult person to get to know. When I meet someone new, I don't consciously hide behind any masks… But it does take me awhile to come out of my shell because in the back of my mind, I think and I worry. I do my best to get a feel for the personality before me, listen to my instincts that say whether or not this person may one day be trusted. I don't have a need to be betrayed over a boy or anything else.
But in the end, it's a good thing. The friends I have now, I know will be friends of mine until the end. The time and effort has been put in by both sides, and I hold these people very close to my heart and consider myself to be exceptionally blessed. These people, because I am their friend and I consider them close, I will forever be loyal to them (one of my better qualities, I think sometimes). I don't hide from them, can't hide from them in fact. They know all of me (to one extent or another, given that we're all so busy now and some of us haven't been able to catch up in awhile…).
LC and SH – I loved having you both as my roommates. You guys were clean!! Hehe, but even more than that, you're great friends. L, we've got to do lunch again sometime so we can finally update each other. S, I'll visit you in Germany sometime, I promise, although I'm still making you come back for the wedding (whenever that will be).
LM, JS, IK, AV – Four of the best friends I could ever have hoped to find in Davis. What would I have done in chem and CHA and bio and physics and stats and the chicken lab (go chickens!) without you guys? Let the mischief, the good food (heehee, thanks for the cooking lessons J, and the meals out I and A), and the good times never end. Although please, let's end with the drama – no need for bad roommates or guy trouble? Is that all right? ;)
KW, DC, AL, TH, ND – Work is too much fun with you all (just don't tell Sam or Helen that ;) ). Thank you for the counseling (you guys were the best for putting up with all of that and for saying it straight to me) and the food (N, T, I don't know what this lab is going to do once you both are gone – no more Friday lunches!!)… Although why is it always big news when there's a guy involved in my life? Case in point, AL, what was up with the fact that the supposed good news yesterday was that I found a new guy? =P Ahh, good times…
KC, AJ, CD, BV – What can I say? Simply put, thanks for sticking it through with me. K, thank you for being my better half and my sane mind.
As for what's ahead, in store for me for the future… I look at some people and sometimes just see them grow up before my eyes. Take last year for example. At a barbeque, I caught myself looking at a ten-year-old Will and knew that he'd be nice looking when he grew up and that he would get somewhere someday. I've seen that in Clay and a couple of my sister's other friends. Among my own friends, I see it even more. But for me?
When I was younger, I didn't see much of a future for myself. I couldn't see anything past high school, maybe college. Why? Whether or not it is from my imaginative (or not so) mind, I had a feeling a car crash would be involved to cut my life short. Well, now that I'm actually out of college, I find myself looking on to optometry school. And beyond that, I see a potential family. Or is that a dream?
I've mentioned elsewhere that during an exercise of looking into other people's eyes, I could sometimes see the future self in the eyes. I never said so before but I did that to myself a couple of years ago. I looked into my eyes through the mirror. And I frightened myself. I did not see anything I recognized about me. I saw a middle-aged woman there. Her features weren't that clear, except that I knew her long hair was skimpy and tied in a ponytail. And she was chain smoking.
Yes, I know it's can't be real. What vocal singer is serious about her voice if she's smoking? Point taken, but the fact that I looked horrible in that image… Yes, it was me, but it wasn't someone I want to become. That woman was gaunt and lifeless and just so empty…
Okay, the eating part… I eat, and I am consciously aware of the fact that I know I don't enough at times. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? I've wondered about that honestly, and it has been brought up a couple of times by different people. I want to say it's just laziness – that's what I've convinced myself anyway. I love to eat. I'm just lazy. Case closed. We're working on getting me fed, trust me. I really do need to learn how to cook…
But getting back to the point, the future scares me. I tried looking again into my eyes a few months ago and nothing happened. I didn't see myself getting any older or anything. I know I'm not meant to know, but not knowing stresses me out to the point where sometimes, I do just want to forget about it all. Is that a weakness? My inability to embrace the future and all its possibilities? I just don't want to turn out all wrong…
As for optometry school… I frustrate myself. Currently, I'm taking OAT classes so I can do well when I (hopefully) take the test in October. And then it'll be back to school to take a couple more classes, depending on which opt school I want to go to… And I'm scared of applying because I know I'm not competitive enough, not GPA-wise at least. I didn't have the drive in college because I burnt out sometime during my second year (how sad is that!?). And the fact that there's only two opt schools in California, one of them being in Berkeley and the other down in So-Cal… One more in Oregon and the rest are in Texas and further east… A total of seventeen opt schools in the nation. The chances of me getting into any of them right now?
But I need to get in and get out. Four years of school plus a year of residency… I want to be able to have my parents around when I finish. No one's getting any younger… And that scares me. It's hard for me to embrace each day and not worry about the future when every day, I feel more and more the pressures of being first-born – I want to do my best so my parents and my family won't have to worry.
But I'm still burnt out. A quarter out of college early and it wasn't enough time for me to recuperate before getting back to these classes, this review for a test that will determine whether or not I have a chance of applying to opt school. It's all review – all of this stuff, I know I've learned at one point or another in my college career. I know I can do it, despite the fact that it's general chem, and o-chem, and physics, and some math (yes, I know I can definitely hold my own in the bio and reading comp sections)… But where's the drive?
Above all else, I've learned that I am human. I have made mistakes and admitted them. The regrets I've had before are gone, and the only regret now concerns one other night… But we won't get into that right now. I have my weaknesses (too many for me to count and name) and my strengths (my friends will have to refresh my memory on that one though since I have a tendency of forgetting)… And while I still feel lost sometimes, I have a better sense of me and who I am and what I stand for.
And in the end, that's what matters.