The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people are suffering from some kind of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything at all. Unless if it's a REALLY good crack that will get everyone to laugh at that person.
It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're gonna steal the neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.
Eat one live toad in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
Always take time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of its chain and gag himself.
Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
If everything is going well, then you obviously have overlooked something.
Follow your dreams, except those when you're in school in your underwear.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
TV ads show how laundry detergents take out blood stains. If you have a bloodstained t-shirt, then maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It lets you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I'm not working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Yes money talks. Mine says goodbye.
If first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step... onto the plane.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
If you fail, try again. THEN give up. No use making an ass of yourself.
If at first you don't succeed... destroy all the evidence that you tried.
My mind's made up, please don't confuse me with the facts.
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
The number 1 cause of divorce is marriage.
Money is the root of all evil when you don't have any.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Experience is something you don't get until right after you need it.
Junk is something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Never compare yourself with others - They are more fucked up than you think.
Anyone who has said 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has obviously never tried it.
Anyting that is not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry up is not nailed down.
It ain't easy being easy.
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park somewhere else!
I swear to drunk I'm not God!
They told me I was gullible.. and I believed them.
Not all women are annoying, some are dead.
Few women admit their age, fewer men act theirs.
Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Not many people realize how well known I am.
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
All stressed out, and no one to choke.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The two most common elements inthe universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
Some folks talk so much you can get hoarse by just listening to them.
Everyone has the right to be stupid. Some just abuse theirs.
Learn from your parent's mistakes. Use birth control!
If you can't do something well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
If it doesn't fit, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
If it's not broken, fix it until it is.
Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is believing the right half.
Never take life too seriously... no one gets out of it alive anyway.
Two idiots were sitting on the floor... one fell off.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Sex is a misdemeanor... the more I miss it, the meaner I get.
I use to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and looked worried.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're gonna get.
Save the whales... collect the whole set.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Improve something that is fool-proof and they will make a better fool.
You can keep puking long after you think you have finished.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
If it weren't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you fake that, you made it.
Question authority and the authorities will question you.
Don't give me that smart aleck attitude... I already have one.
Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
If I worked as mouch as others, I would do as little as they.
It isn't that life is short. It's that you're dead for so long.
God loves you whether you like it or not.
If there was something worth doing, it would have been done already.
Life is like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
I hear the voices and they don't like you.
My mom never saw the irony of calling me an SOB.
I'd call you stupid, but then again, I wouldn't want to insult the idiots.
Thank god I'm an atheist.
A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
I believe there is no problem that cannot be solved with high explosives.
A dyslexic antagonist is a person who doesn't believe in Dog.
I can only please one person a day. Today isn't your day, tomorrow ain't looking so good either.
The circle is the most perfect shape in the universe. Use all your ability to achieve it.
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
It's been a rough day. Put on a shirt and a button fell off; picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off; I'm afraid to use the bathroom.
Drunk driving doesn't kill you, crashing does.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Dieticians and dieters take note.
Don't drink and drive 'cause you might hit a bump and spill it.
If the Earth didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
School would be great if it ain't for all the classes.
Friendly fire isn't friendly.
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Criticism is good. Sabotage is better.
Hi ho, hi ho, it's hand grenades i throw...
Ready, fire, aim!
They say when someone annoys you, turn the other shoulder. but I say, when someone annoys you, turn off the friggin' safety and pull the trigger.
I used to smoke pot but I choked on the handle.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Everyone has photographic memory. Some folks just ain't got the film.
A fool who says he is a fool is no fool. A wise man who says he is a wise man is no wise man.
He may look like an idiot, talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Don't let her superficial dislikes fool you. Deep down, she hates you.