I may rise - but I refuse to shine
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
Instant human. Just add coffee
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
Don't try my patience, it's
lousy
Life is short. Don't be a dick.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Your village called...their idiot is missing
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
You! Off my planet!!
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby whiny opinion would be.....?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.