For writing this, you can blame: Kayryn
For posting this, you can blame: clm
Rating: Nothing above PG here.
PLEASE READ! A little explanation: Okay, so I�m terrible and twisted and this could very well get me lynched. But�. For those who understand the humor of parody and might even like this� this is for you.
Oh, and I should also tell you that I�ve never written a parody before. This just came out in a chat with clm (Claire). We were talking about Alias (you don�t say?) and she sent me a pic of this new love interest of Sydney�s. Justin Theroux. Then we talked about how cute he is� with the Groucho Marx eyebrows� Claire mentioned taking the tweezers at him� And this is where it all lead.
One last note. Please remember that this is all done with good humor (although I use the words loosely) and not attended to be a personal attack on anyone�s appearance. No offense meant to anyone.
Disclaimer: Jack, Irina and Syd belong to JJ. All hail JJ.
~*~
Jack Bristow was standing in a small room looking through a one way mirror, watching the scene unfold.
In the room next-door, a man whose name they had not yet uncovered, sat in a chair. The chair was the only piece of furniture the room had. The man�s hands were tied behind his back. All Jack really knew of him was that he was his daughter�s new love interest.
Then the door to the room opened and Jack witnessed Irina entering the room. She looked the epitome of control in her tight-fitting black pants and black leather jacket. She took a long good look at the nameless man before going closer to him. When she stood right in front of this dark-haired man, she raised her hand, revealing the tweezers she had hidden in her sleeve.
Without letting her gaze waver Irina clicked the tweezers.
The man�s face lost all color and he began sweating.
"Mr. Whatever-your-name-is-I-don't-really-care,� Irina began. �I know for a certain fact that you are involved with my daughter." She got closer to him, clicking the tweezers again and arched her own perfectly shaped eyebrow. "You will tell me how you met her...."
Click.
She settled herself on his lap, one leg on either side of him. There was a sudden loud bang and Irina looked to the direction of the mirror. A muffled curse could be heard, and Irina smirked before returning her attention to the man who�s lap she was sitting in.
�And you will give it to me� I mean tell me� now, before my husband comes.... in... I mean...� Glancing quickly at the mirror again, she swallowed.
�I'll be right back," she told the man whose name no one knows, and left the room in a hurry.
Some fifteen minutes later Irina returned, her lipstick gone and her long dark hair in disarray.
Clearing her throat she glared at the man, "Now..."
Click.
"I won't tell,� the man cried out. �I can�t. I promised him I wouldn�t tell!"
"Who did you promise."
Click.
�Just some guy,� he tried.
�Who?�
Click.
"His name�s Sloane."
Irina turned to look at the mirror again, grinning as if to say �I told you�. Then addressing the man in front of her, she said, "That wasn't so hard, now was it."
She leaned in closer and clipped off one the hairs of his eyebrow off.
The man whose name no one knows and don't really care to know screamed in pain.
"How long have you two been together."
Click.
The man whimpered
Irina took another hair off.
"How long..."
"A year and a half!" the man screamed. "Please! Just don't hurt me!"
Click. click.
"Have you..." Irina began but the man without a name interrupted her. "Why don't you ask your daughter these questions?"
Irina cocked her head to one side, looking decidedly unhappy. "This is the most effective method of extracting information known to man. But my daughter, like every other girl, became immune to this treatment when she was fourteen. Like I said, the most effective method known to man."
Her hand hovering near the man�s eyebrow, Irina�s intentions were interrupted by Jack who rushed through the door, sweat pouring down his face�
"Babe, please... hasn't he suffered enough?"
Irina turned to look at Jack, and frowned in confusion... "But� I thought we agreed we wanted to know.."
"Yes, yes, I know dear... but well... there's only so much that a man can take." Jack glanced at the man who was sitting in the chair in pain.
Irina�s eyes first turned cold, before a mischievous grin spread across her face. �Him or you..�
Jack backed off, looking at the man apologetically. "Any last words you'd like me to tell Syd?"
"Jack!"
"Sorry, dear. Never mind. Think I'll just ummm... I'll be waiting for you at home."
"In?"
"Bed, dear."
"With?"
"The cuffs, dear."
Irina smiled gleefully and as Jack turn to leave, Irina turned her attention back to the man whom, if her daughter got her way, was to be her future son in law.
Click.
Before closing the door, Jack poked his head back in and smiled. "Oh, and whatever your name is... welcome to the family"
The end
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