I'm afraid.
Everyday I'm afraid of losing Control.
Of letting all this Pain overwhelm me.
If I do, if it does, I know I'll die.
Do not misunderstand me.
I would not take my own life.
If I were that sort I would have done it
A long time ago.
My life has never been easy,
And I've had many reasons to end my life
By my own hand.
Many years ago.
No that's not what I mean when I say
I would die.
I would die from the Pain of it.
The pain in my heart, in my soul,
Is so strong that it will turn into a physical pain.
This would - this Pain - it would overtake me
And there would be no stopping it.
It would all come out.
And when that Pain is released,
It will be so strong, the physical Pain,
That it will kill me.
This is the reason I keep myself under Control.
No happy thoughts, no real joy.
Though many mistake my laughter for joyful.
I've learned some acting over the years.
No smile. No joyful laughter.
At least none that would come from my heart.
That would be breaking the Control.
That Pain is the thing that in the end,
I know, will kill me.
But not yet.
I'm still in Control. I'm still strong.
For awhile longer.
How long?
Not even I can answer that.
But for now, I'm in Control.
Afraid? Yes.
But breathing.
For now.
by Kay Shadow
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