By Kay Shadow
Disclaimer: not mine, Paramount's � see if I care.
Rated G
Author's notes: Last night I was watching the performance of Sarah Brightman and Michal Ball on video. they were singing the song 'All I Ask Of You' written by one of my favorite composers, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I've always felt it's one of the most perfect love song, but of course I had to twist that magnificent masterpiece into this. So here you are: All Janeway and Chakotay. Set in 4th season� and yes, they're in a relationship. Yes, together� geez! HIGH SAP WARNING!
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He tried to find an answer as to when things had started to go wrong between them but couldn't really name any special thing that could have started them off on this road to hell. It wasn't the question of if he loved her. He did, just like he always had. And he also knew for certain that she still loved him. The problem lay somewhere else. But where?
Chakotay entered her quaters, well, their quaters now. Though they hadn't officially moved in together, most of his things had ended up here by now. He thought about the last year he and Kathryn had shared. Most of it had been incredible beyond words. The ability to freely express their feelings for one another, long hours spent talking - not in the living room couch but in bed, and the even longer hours of making love.
Of course like in every relationship they'd had their ups and downs, but most of their arguments were of professional nature. And it had been agreed from the beginning that Voyager and things that concerned her would stay out of their personal relationship and that had always worked out well for them. Until now, maybe.
Chakotay kicked off his shoes and padded to the bedroom to change his attire, when he noticed Kathryn laying in bed in a curled up position. At first he thought she was asleep but then noted the tension in her back muscles and knew she was well aware of his presence. Resisting an urge to sigh he started undressing.
"Kathryn?"
His enquiry was met with silence only.
Chakotay could feel his anger building. Why was she doing this? What had happened to make her pull away from him? He'd tried finding out answers before, but she'd always avoided talking about it, but now it was time they did. And it seemed there was only one person who would make the first move.
"Kathryn what is going on? Why are you being like this?"
"Chakotay I'm tired, I don't want to talk about it," she responded, her voice tight with annoyance.
But this time he didn't take no for an answer. "So you finally admit something is wrong."
She tried denying it but he held up his hand. "No. You've been avoiding this long enough. We have to talk about this!"
"Well, I don't want to!" Kathryn raised her voice, but she still hadn't moved from her position on the bed.
"Is it something that I've done? Or said? I need to know Kathryn! If it's that, then I need to know so that I can make it alright again," he reasoned.
She seemed to hesitate at his words and Chakotay already thought that that must be the problem then. But then she rose and sat on the bed, refusing to look at him. When she spoke her voice was resigned, as if she was giving up. "No, it's not something you did or said."
He came to sit next to her, close but not touching. He knew from previous experience that Kathryn's thinking became somewhat clouded when he did and now they really needed to solve this.
"Then what is it?"
"I�" but she never continued, instead fell silent again. She wasn't sure how to explain what she was feeling and she was afraid he wouldn't understand even if she were able to form the right way to express herself.
"I can't help the situation if you don't tell me what's wrong! What do you want me to do?" Chakotay demanded, his voice raising again.
"Nothing!" she shouted back, and stood up to pace the small room. Her resistance was crumbling and seeing that he persisted.
"Then tell me what to say!"
"Say you need me!!" Kathryn yelled. "That you need me in other way than as your Captain!"
"Of course I need you! Kathryn, why would you think I don't?"
"When was the last time you needed me in anything? You needed help after what the Vori did, but you refused to talk to me about it. I wanted� needed to be there for you! But you turned away from me. It's so often that I hear you tell me how I should let you in, let you help. But when you need help you don't allow me to do the same. I know you eventually went to B'Elanna to talk to her. You needed help and you admitted it by going to her, but even then you didn't need me! I feel like I'm no good to you unless it's on the Bridge or in bed!"
Shocked by her words, Chakotay closed some of the distance between them, at the same time trying to find out the right words to say. "Kathryn, that's not true."
He winced when he saw how her eyes turned to slits in reaction to his words and tried again. "Let me say that in another way. I'm sorry you feel that way, I just didn't want to cause you more stress than I knew you were already dealing with. I didn't want to be a burden."
The pain he saw in her eyes at his words tore his heart. When she spoke her voice was raw with the same pain. "I feel like I'm not good enough! Like I can't be as useful to you as B'Elanna or Ayala. Like you don't trust me!"
"But I do! I do trust you I love you, Kathryn! I'm sorry, I thought I was only meaning to help you by not burdening you with my worries."
She looked him in the eye for the first time after he'd entered the room that night. He could see the pain was lessening but the sadness was still there, and so was her love for him.
"Loving someone doesn't mean you have to shield them from everything," Kathryn explained, her voice soft now. "If you're hurting I want to be able to help. That's how I can love you. That's how I feel you love me. Not just in good times, but bad as well."
She reached for him and tugged his arm gently, bringing him to stand in front of her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, content that things were back on the right track again. "Okay," he said and kissed her softly on the lips. "I love you."
She smiled up at him, "That's all I ask."
The end.