Things I've learned from my children
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Cats sound like shoes in the dryer.
Five year olds can pop the clutch on a car.
No matter how hard they try, a five year old cannot stop a car from rolling down a hill.
A fire hydrant can.
Two year olds and chocolate sauce make for interesting combinations.
A six and eight year old can become so engrossed with TV that they don't notice a two year old pouring chocolate sauce on their heads.
Most children are legally blind (especially when asked, "Is your room all picked up?").
Permanent magic marker does not make for good lipstick.
Pine tar is not a good substitute for hair mousse.
One half gallon of pure vegetable oil will remove pine tar from anyone's hair.
Crayons in the dryer make for some colorful spots on dad's dress shirts, gum ruins them.
Dog food is not toxic to children under two.
All rocks in mouth should be checked at the door.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose the game, it just determines how long and loud you scream.
If your sibling gets one cookie crumb more, life isn't fair.
Cats don't like to be tied up.
Mopping the kitchen floor is a signal for children to spill a gallon of orange juice on the floor.
Romantic evenings can be severely hampered by stray Legos.
Small Legos left on the floor can wake you up real fast at 2 a.m.
One year olds can develop a taste for cold coffee.
Three year old supermen really do get boo-boos when they try to fly off their bed.
Three year olds and bedtime can lead to some interesting questions about God's creation: "Do bears have lips?"
Nine month olds eat quite a variety; some of which would actually be considered edible.
It is REALLY embarrassing to have doctors and nurses examine every poopie diaper a nine month old makes for three days...while waiting for a swallowed tack to pass.
