DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH
Amen
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
Bulletin
1) Parish Information, read only during the homily.
2) Air conditioning.
3) Your receipt for attending services.
Choir
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Hymn
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's
range.
Hymn, Recessional
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already
left.
Jonah
The original "Jaws" story.
Justice
When kids have their own kids.
Magi
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger
1) Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2) The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew
A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
Procession
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar
servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics
People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit and
stand.
Ten Commandments
The most important Top Ten List NOT given by David Letterman.
Ushers
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
