15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her
nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
(Deuteronomy
21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea, Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
(Moses, Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Boaz,
Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and
carry her off to be your wife.
(Benjaminites, Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you.
(Adam, Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
Fourteen
years of toil for a wife.
(Jacob, Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut the foreskins off 200 of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his
daughter for a wife.
(David, I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find
someone. (It's all relative, of course.)
(Cain, Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
(Xerxes
or Ahasuerus, Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have
seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
decision,
simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
(Samson, Judges
14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons,
though).
(David, 2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
idea;
it's the law.)
(Onana and Boaz, Deuteronomy or Leviticus)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
(Solomon, 1
Kings
11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT!
(Paul, 1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
