Got this by email from a friend one time. Don't know who wrote it, but it summarizes my thoughts so well I had to remember it. :)
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with
the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's
prefaced with the words , "Bless her heart" or
"Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they
put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around
like a BB on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her
heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple
through a picket fence." ( good one) There are also
the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue clucking
types of my childhood: "You know, it's amazing that
even though she had that baby 7 months after they got
married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds!"
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad, at least that's what my Aunt Tiny Mae (bless her heart, she was anything but tiny) used to say.
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling me about her new Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said my friend. "A child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here.
The ones who really gore my ox are the native southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. It's as if they want to bury it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield. We've already lost too much.
I was raised to swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close" or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am fixin to do somethin.
My personal favorite was uttered by my aunt who said, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: take two tent revivals and a dose of redeye gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin to have classes on Southernese as a second language! Bye Bye Y'all!
Things a True Southerner Knows
The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That "gimme sugar" doesn't mean pass the sugar.
When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
Knows what "Well I Suwannee !!" means.
Real gravy don't come from the store.
When "by and by" is.
How to handle their "pot likker".
The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".
The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.