"You have been selected�"

"A very special rate has been reserved just for you . . . "

"Return your invitation before it expires. . ."

For the past two months I�ve kept every credit card offer sent to my house. It was an experiment to see how many would accumulate as well as an informal analysis of the direct mail genre of writing.

We received 30 letters from 10 institutions. The most persistent was Capital One with eight letters (five to me, three to my husband). Providian was the most low key and tasteful, with a single "by invitation only" letter to my husband.

Bank of America sent one letter, followed a month later by a "second notice" that warned "you won�t be notified again." So far they�ve stuck to that.

These sales pitches are filled with many gimmicks, tricks and weasel words.

BankOne says that a 9.9% APR (annual percentage rate) offered is "fixed" but there�s a notation that reads, "You understand . . . . fixed APRs may change to variable APRs."

Discover�s 1% cashback bonus program sure sounds warm and fuzzy. Then I compared their terms to the others I received and found that their APR is 4% higher than the lowest offers I received.

Most of the letters used the term "pre-approved" somewhere in the text, then give a fine-print explanation of what that means. My favorite is Chase Bank�s vague note stating "you satisfy certain criteria for creditworthiness."

As expected, all the letters contained highly polished hype about how unbelievable, extraordinary or better-than-all-others their card is.

"A little piece of the future that got here early" is the slogan at the top of the page pitching American Express� Blue card, which includes a built-in Smart Chip. "The only card you�ll need in the 21^st Century and beyond" ends the postscript at the end of the letter.

Reading it over several times I remain ignorant about the Smart Chip�s amazing futuristic abilities but, at any rate, I can�t imagine the company waiting until the year 2100 to unveil a new-and-improved Blue card.

The ever-escalating one-upmanship in the credit industry went into overdrive with the first "gold" card for "preferred" customers. Now, "gold" is passe. You�ve gotta go platinum. Even better, we received two letters for "titanium" cards from Fleet. (I wonder what they�ll use next. Plutonium? Hafnium? Dilithium?)

Some offers pitch their piece of plastic as a work of art or a fashion statement. One CapitalOne letter included a series of six designs to "show your love of the beautiful beaches." Two Discover letters included a patriotic flag option. Yet another letter of theirs starts off with the slogan "Very now. Very Cool. Very you." It offers blue, orange or gray alternatives to their standard silvery-looking platinum color.

If credit cards are being used as 21^st century hipness barometers, I guess there�s no hope for me and my well-worn but hopelessly 20^th century, un-cool Gold Card.

It�s surprising to realize how heavily the credit industry is trading on the cachet of brand names. "The only Platinum MasterCard endorse by Reader�s Digest" reads one letter from First USA Bank. That same institution also convinced Sallie Mae to issue a credit card. No, you can�t accumulate credits for a magazine subscription or toward your school loans. As far as I can see, all your card does is make money in licensing fees to the sponsoring organizations.

In contrast, I don�t mind a GM Visa solicitation offering credits toward vehicles or a MilesOne Master Card offer tied into my Delta SkyMiles account. At least they�re offering something tangible in return for buying into the brand.

The offer that out-and-out offended me wasn�t even a promotion for a credit card. It was an MBNA solicitation for what they call their Debt -Free Plan.

"Why do some people never seem to get out of debt?" their letter asks. "It�s not because they spend too much. It�s just that they don�t have a plan."

That statement is what�s wrong with our nation-wide credit obsession. Spending more than you can afford to pay back is the basic definition of debt. And trusting a credit card company to get you out of debt is like trusting a bartender to keep you sober.

My estimation of credit cards is pretty much what it was before my analysis: there�s no such thing as a good credit card deal. They all have hitches and glitches and loopholes. Just like casino gambling, they are all set up so that the house profits.

That said, I admit to using my plastic as much as the average consumer in our buy-now-pay-later culture.

It�s a bad habit that�s hard to break in a society where even a millionaire can find that his reach exceeds his grasp.

Kay Hafner says she�s glad this column is done so she can go back to throwing out credit card applications. Readers can share their credit peeves and problems via email at [email protected].