We bought our first computer--a Tandy from Radio Shack--way back in 1988. Since then we've purchased three other PCs, at an average of four years between each new and improved model.

As the designated computer geek of the household, I've muddled through the set-up and upkeep of each of these hunks of circuitry, plastic and metal. Along the way I've absorbed just enough knowledge to be dangerous, but nowhere near enough to enable me to be a computer repair person and rake in the really big bucks.

One reason I'll never be a computer professional is that I'm not fond of reading instructions. I tend to scan written instructions rather than refer to them step-by-step. Like taking a map on a long trip, I use instructions to familiarize myself with the territory then go back to them only if I get lost or take a wrong turn.

Another problem is that I have an utter lack of respect for computers. Some people treat them like sensitive and complicated marvels of modern machinery, but I consider them to be nothing more than electronic appliances. I have as much respect for my microwave as I do my computer.

Don't get me wrong. I love computers. I don't know how I'd live without my beat-up, quirky, five-year-old Gateway 2000. It not only makes writing so much easier, I'm totally hooked on Internet research and e-mail correspondence. I just see it as a tool. An expensive and useful tool that I turn on, use, and turn off again now without really thinking about the miracle of technology behind it.

But it can't provide me with popcorn to eat while I watch a movie or soften the new stick of butter when I'm in a hurry and want to put some on my toast.

Like many of you, I resent the amount of time and money these overgrown appliances demand in upkeep. Just waiting for the darned things to boot up robs us of years of our life, one nanosecond at a time.

New computer users usually want to know why something went wrong. Take my word for it: asking "why" can only serve to make you crazy and your therapist very, very wealthy.

My computer has several odd quirks. But like the idiosyncrasies in my car--the cruise control sometimes doesn't work and last year the back window wiper blade decided not to work for about three months--I've decided to just live with these unpredictable oddities.

One problem that's occurring with more frequency involves my Internet connection. In January we signed on with a high-speed cable connection, then I linked two computers together into a small network. Sometimes, without warning, my e-mail program gives an error message and my browser freezes, yet I'm able to hop on the other computer just fine.

The only way to correct this problem seems to be to reboot and start over.

This wouldn't be as big of a pain if not for the second big computer quirk: my computer doesn't like to reboot. The longer it's been on, the longer it takes to start up again. It just sits there, stuck halfway through the boot-up, and refuses to go any farther. I've found that pressing the Escape key over and over again can sometimes get it to start. The sound of it trying to access the hard drive is exactly like that of trying to get a car engine to turn over when it's flooded.

When this problem occurs I just use the other computer for Internet access and then leave my computer off overnight.

I know that someday I'm going to have to figure out what's really wrong. This can't be good. Especially since when it does start up again I usually get the most dreaded of computer error messages: a fatal error. But as long as I know the secret to working around the problem, I've decided it's not worth the trouble of poking around.

Many new computer users are very careful with their computers. Very ginger. They're afraid to touch anything lest they blow it all up. Then there's me. Pretty much from the start I've been interested in poking around the innards of my computers. Now, I think nothing of whipping off the cover and checking on things like a veteran surgeon performing a routine exploratory procedure.

Sometimes, when I'm really ticked at a computer, I threaten it with a screwdriver or, if it's really misbehaving, a hammer. Like Han Solo arguing with the Millennium Falcon or Scotty imploring the original USS Enterprise, I can usually get the hunk-a-junk up and running again.

After 13 years of computer ownership all I really know for certain is this: make friends with people who know more about computers than you do. They can't always help fix your problem, but their sympathetic camaraderie will make you feel better.

With computers, as in life, no one has all the answers.

Kay Hafner can (usually) be reached via e-mail at [email protected].