by Kay Hafner

When I was a high school junior, my parents asked to meet with my guidance counselor. I wasn't failing, but I wasn't really succeeding in their eyes, either.

I was a B+ student without trying too hard, capable of better if I would only "apply" myself. Although my friends were mostly A students, I was with them in two honors classes by a narrow margin, and barely keeping the 85 average required to stay there.

At this meeting I expected to be told to get on the stick, stick my nose in the books, hit the books and get my grades up. What I got was the experienced wisdom of an impartial judge, who knew that I was 16 and unlikely to listen to such messages if I hadn't already decided to hear them.

The guidance counselor told my parents that I was a Regents student in honors classes. If I was satisfied with maintaining a B+ average without much effort, in addition to having a social life, participating in extracurricular activities and working on the weekends, there probably wasn't much my parents or he could do to get me to change. I had a balance in my life that I was happy with. The decision to improve grades had to come from me. If I wasn't motivated from within, there wasn't much that outside forces could do to change my mind.

It was the first time I felt treated like an adult by an adult, even though I was just a teen-ager who thought she was being let off the hook. I didn't realize then what a lesson in growing up it was.

Real life turns out to be more like school than I ever thought it would. We still get graded, not by teachers but by our peers. You can be the best accountant in the world, but how good you are at landscaping and how nice your yard looks might affect the "grade" a neighbor gives you. How good you are at remembering everyone's birthdays and anniversaries might affect the grade your family gives you. How good a parent you are, keeping on top of homework or helping out in class might affect the grade you get from your child's teacher.

You may not be able to keep from getting judged by those watching from the sidelines of your life, but there's no law that says you have to live up to anyone's expectations but yours. Yet there's no law that says they have to applaud your decisions. My parents had a right to be disappointed in my grades; more A's could have meant more scholarship money.

Freedom of choice also means the responsibility to live up to our goals and commitments. I can go to the farmer's market and select which eggs to put into my basket, but if I drop the basket and some eggs get broken, I still have to pay for them. You break it, you bought it, you clean up afterwards. If I promised to keep my grades at a B+ average, my parents would have a right to squawk if I ended up with in the B- range.

No one else can tell whether a new job with more pay is more important than having time to take a pottery class. If you turn down a promotion, though, you might not be able to afford a pottery class later. Life is full of trick questions like that. Fluffernutters or beef stroganoff for dinner? Watch TV tonight or call your mother? It's up to you.

High school was filled with true or false questions, multiple-choice tests and bonus points. In the School of Life, our true or false questions and multiple-choice tests are a lot harder, but bonus points are still awarded to those who can balance their wants with others' needs.