By: unique-purple-starsfish
Summary: Misao wakes up one morning and realizes that she hates tea. Problem: Tea is Aoshi’s fondest beverage. What can Misao do to get him to stop drinking it? [AxM, One-shot]
Disclaimer: Er…what am I supposed to do here again? FINE! I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.
Count To Ten
The pain was beyond anything that Misao had ever imagined – it was almost to the point of being unbearable.
She felt torn, she felt imprisoned, and, worst of all, she felt like there was nothing she could do about it.
Misao was drowning…didn't Aoshi realize it? She was drowning…
…Drowning in TEA!!!
The Problem:
Every morning, it was the same routine: roll out of bed, brush her teeth, run downstairs and yell "OH NO! AOSHI-SAMA'S TEA!", and get Aoshi's tea ready. It was quite boring, actually—but it never failed to amuse Okina.
This morning was different. Misao woke up with a sore back, a sore throat, a sore neck, and a sore everything. She didn't feel like rolling out of bed, so, instead, she proceeded to fall out of bed. As a wise man/woman once said, "Variety is good for one's health." So, one could surmise that falling out of bed was to Misao's benefit. Not the case.
Since she already had a sore back, a sore throat, a sore neck, and a sore everything, there was nothing left to be sore—so, instead, she got big, nasty bruises on her left knee and her right elbow.
She knew—as everyone else did—that this was a sign that the day would be…different.
Brushing her teeth was next—which, thankfully, she did.
Next came running down the stairs—which she did not do. Instead, she decided to follow the wise man/woman's advice. Today, she fell down the stairs instead of running down the stairs. Alas, the wise man/woman's advice proved incorrect once more. Though variety happens to be very good in some situations, this wasn't one of them. Since she already had a sore back, a sore throat, a sore neck, a sore everything, and bruises on her left knee and right elbow, she couldn't possibly be sore or get bruised in those places again. To make up for this, she got big, nasty bruises on her right knee and left elbow.
Misao knew it then; she knew it very well—this was going to be a horrible day.
She stumbled into the kitchen—without yelling "OH NO! AOSHI-SAMA'S TEA!"—and pulled out the teapot.
An unusual hatred began welling up inside of her, and Misao recognized it instantly. This was a crucial turning point in her life—she now found out that she hated Aoshi's most treasured beverage: green tea. Keeping this heart-wrenching revelation to herself, she looked around the kitchen stealthily to see if Okina or the others had noticed what she had—but no, they had their backs turned toward her.
Careful not to let the others see, Misao resolved to purge Aoshi of his love for this heinous drink.
Slowly, a plan began formulating in her mind, and she had it. It was so simple, yet so brilliant. All she had to do was fill the teapot with boiling water and tell Aoshi that it was a new kind of tea! He would never know the difference. Just in case, however, Misao decided to think of a few more.
The Hypothesis:
Misao plotted…there had to be some way to get Aoshi to drink something else. After a few minutes of thinking, she came up with three, including the method she came up with in the kitchen:
The "New Kind of Tea" Method
According to our intelligent researcher, or, in this case, Misao, the desire for green tea is only a mental issue. If the individual believes that he or she is drinking tea when he or she is not, then he or she may overcome the addiction to it. One easy way to do this is to boil hot water and serve to the one afflicted with tea-addiction. Tell him or her it is a new kind of tea, and if he or she cannot tell the difference, then he or she is cured.
The "Count to Ten" Method
This method involves the complicated and difficult action of counting to ten. As theorized by our intelligent researcher…ahem…I mean, Misao, the desire for the caffeine and anti-oxidant rich beverage known as 'tea' can be terminated or at least contained by counting to ten. It is done like so: 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10… However, if counting to ten is not enough, one may count to as high as he or she prefers.
The "Hit the Tea-Addict Over His or Her Head—Maybe He or She Will Get Amnesia" Method
First, in order to initiate the treatment, hit the tea-addict on the head with a fist and/or any other preferred item, such as a shoe, a book, or anything else. If the individual is hit hard enough, he or she may get amnesia. If the tea-addict does not get amnesia on the first try, keep on trying until you arrive at the desired outcome. Because the individual now has amnesia, he or she will not be able to remember that he or she likes tea. Therefore, the problem is solved.
The Procedure: Test #1
The following text pertains to the testing of the three methods aforementioned. All tests are conducted by a trained individual, a.k.a. Misao. We warn you: do NOT try this at home.
Analysis of the "New Kind of Tea" Method:
Aoshi could feel a dull throbbing in the back of his head—this meant that it was nearly time. After years of being an experienced ninja, he was familiar with codes, and he soon began to understand the codes of his body.
A growling stomach meant hunger, a fast-beating heart meant fear, and dumb thoughts such as the one being stated right now meant that the individual had a caffeine level that was dangerously low. Aoshi discovered that many of the codes pertained to the lack of caffeine, such as the one he was experiencing at the moment – a throbbing in the back of his head. He wasn't worried, though. Misao always showed up at the right time with his tea.
He heard the door slide open and gave a mental sigh of relief. Ah yes, here was Misao with his tea, as reliable as the sun, as dependable as the…
"I brought you some…uh…tea…" Misao said. Her voice sounded a little stiff.
Aoshi opened his eyes. "…"
That's odd…I don't smell any tea…
Sensing that something was wrong, Misao blinked and asked, "Uh…Aoshi-sama? Is anything wrong?"
Aoshi thought for a moment. Part of the reason why he was always seen 'quiet' and 'stoic' was because he was never sure whether the question or statement was worth answering. When he finally decided on something, it would be too late to answer it anyway.
Should he answer Misao's question? It seemed pretty important to him. But was it now too late to answer the question? What if the question was just a rhetorical question? Did Misao really want an answer to that? However, Aoshi wanted to answer it. He had a pressing matter on his mind.
A few minutes later, Aoshi said, "…I think…you forgot to bring the…tea…" with a note of urgency in his voice. Misao jumped—she hadn't been expecting an answer especially since he had stayed silent for so long. Even worse, she hadn't been expecting to tell her lie so soon. Which is perfectly fine, she reminded herself. It's for his own good.
Without answering, she averted Aoshi's eyes and instead, focused onto the floor. Pouring hot, boiling water into the two teacups, Misao quietly put Aoshi's cup in front of him, hoping he wouldn't notice that his statement had been left unopposed.
Confused, Aoshi picked up the teacup. Maybe Misao hadn't heard him. He cleared his throat. "Misao…"
Misao jumped, the scalding water slopping over the edge of her cup and onto her hand. "OW!—erm, yes, Aoshi-sama?"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"N-no…I mean…yes…well…kind of…ah…yeah." Misao leaned back and began to sip the 'tea', again trying to avoid answering.
"Well?" Aoshi sipped the 'tea' as well.
"It's…a…different…kind…of…of…tea…" Misao said, her voice sounding a few pitches too high.
Really? Aoshi sipped his 'tea' again, hoping to taste at least something different. Unfortunately, all he could taste was hot water. What was he supposed to say? If this really was a different kind of tea, would it hurt Misao's feelings to tell her that it tasted like water? As all champion tea-brewers know, saying that one's tea tastes like water is the ultimate insult. He didn't want to insult Misao.
Aoshi decided to say something. "It…tastes…bland…like water…" There. He said it. Aoshi came to the realization that talking was not the easiest thing in the world. Correction: talking diplomatically was not the easiest thing in the world.
"Well…it's…caffeine-free tea…" Misao said, clearly getting frustrated. She completely missed that the most important ingredient in the tea to Aoshi WAS the caffeine. "It's…um…supposed to taste like…water…"
This was bad. Aoshi needed caffeine. "But Misao, that's what I n—"
Misao exploded. "OKAY! So it's tea-free tea! What's the DIFFERENCE?! Water, tea—SAME THING! I'm SICK of tea! I HATE it—and YOU should TOO! I THINK IT'S HIGH TIME THAT YOU FIND SOMETHING NEW TO DRINK!"
Aoshi blinked. I knew I shouldn't have said that her tea tasted like water…
The throbbing in the back of his head grew worse. If he didn't get his tea soon…well, he didn't want to think about it.
"…"
The silence was deafening.
Misao shifted uncomfortably, and began gathering the teacups and setting them back onto the tray.
"What about my tea?" Aoshi asked. He needed to know.
Giving a very unsatisfying, "…er…" for an answer, Misao stood and walked quickly out of the temple.
RESULTS OF TEST #1: Because the individual was not cured of his addiction to tea, we can only conclude that this method does not work.
Aoshi looked after Misao for a moment and then shrugged. He didn't do anything wrong, did he?
There was probably something he just didn't know about females—maybe they all went through this phase. After all, how exactly was he to know?
Aoshi decided that Misao wasn't going to come back soon—at least not with his tea. This decided, Aoshi stood up, stretched his legs, and headed toward the Aoiya. He would just have to go and make the tea himself.
The Procedure: Test #2
Because the "New Kind of Tea" Method was regrettably disproved, our…ahem…professional researcher will now test the second method. Again, we warn that you must NOT try this at home.
Analysis of the "Count to Ten" Method:
In the kitchen, Aoshi pulled out a teapot, and, looking helplessly around, he began searching for the tea leaves. Where were they? He had never had to make his own tea in a very long time. Should he go and ask Misao where the tea was?
Instantly, Aoshi was graced with the memory of the scene that had only taken place moments before.
Shaking his head, Aoshi decided that asking Misao would not be a very good idea.
Right on cue, Misao walked through the door. She stopped once she noticed Aoshi, and a smile began to form on her face, which unfortunately never got to its widest width. Alas, Misao spotted the teapot in his hands, and her eyes narrowed, while her lips tightened with disapproval.
"What are you doing, Aoshi?"
Aoshi looked at her for a moment. Was he supposed to answer that? Did she really want him to answer that? What if the question was one of those rhetorical questions that aren't meant to be answered? If he said anything about tea, then she might get angry. He then noticed that he held the teapot in his hands.
Quickly, he set it down on a table, and said, "…"
Misao crossed her arms. "Well…?"
Okay, so she did want an answer from him. If that's what she wanted…well…of course, Aoshi did have something important to ask, though he wasn't sure if it would be met with a pleasant answer. He decided to ask his question anyway. "Do you know where the tea is?" There. That wasn't so hard, was it?
Misao sighed. "Aoshi-sama…hand me the teapot, please."
He gave it to her. Was she going to make the tea for him? That would be nice…
Silence.
Aoshi waited.
Finally, Misao spoke. "Aoshi-sama?"
He looked at her. "…"
"Will you do me a favor?" she asked. "Will you count to ten for me, please?"
Aoshi blinked. Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly hadn't been that. Again, he wasn't sure if she wanted him to answer it. What if she wasn't serious? What if it was just a joke? If he complied, would she think of him as stupid for the rest of his life?
He decided not to say anything and waited for her reaction. If she really did want him to count to ten, she would say it again.
"Will you, Aoshi-sama? Count out loud."
"You're serious?"
"I'm completely serious."
Aoshi thought for a moment. Counting to ten seemed harmless enough—but why would Misao want him to do such a ridiculous thing? What was this supposed to accomplish? Aoshi shrugged. If counting to ten was what she wanted, he would just do it.
"One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…"
Misao smiled. "Okay, I guess you won't be needing this, right?" Misao held up the teapot. "I'll just throw this away…"
"Don't throw it away, Misao," Aoshi said. "You know how much I like tea."
Misao paused. Maybe she heard incorrectly. "What?" she said.
"Don't throw it away, Misao."
Sighing in defeat, Misao handed the teapot back to Aoshi. "There. Have it. But don't say I didn't warn you. Tea is no good—one day, you'll realize just how utterly SICK of it you'll be. Then you'll see—you'll see that I was right."
Aoshi blinked. Was this the right time to ask? He decided that he had no choice. "Do you know where the tea is?" he asked. He had to know.
Misao stormed out the kitchen.
RESULTS OF TEST #2: According to the data shown from our observations, counting to ten is not an adequate way to cure the addiction of tea. Therefore, we must conclude that the 'Count to Ten' method does not work.
Aoshi was still in the kitchen looking for where the tea was kept. Maybe Okon or Omasu would know…
But where were they at the moment?
He needed his caffeine!
The Procedure: Test #3
Now that two out of the three methods have been disproved, our researcher, Misao, is desperate. Brace yourself as our researcher tests this highly complicated method. We warn, for the third and last time, that you must NOT try this at home.
Analysis of the "Hit the Tea-Addict Over His or Her Head—Maybe He or She Will Get Amnesia" Method:
"Misao? What are you doing?" Aoshi asked, as he dodged one of her punches.
Misao aimed another punch at his head, which he easily avoided. "Aoshi-sama? Will you do me a favor?" She threw a plate at him.
Thinking for a moment, Aoshi caught the plate and set it on the table. Did she want him to answer that? Or was she just trying to distract him so she could hit him? But why would she want to hit him? He didn't do anything to her to offend her—did he?
Well, there was that comment about how her tea tasted like water, but he was sure it had nothing to do with that.
"Well…?" Misao said, as she aimed a kick at him.
"What kind of favor?" Aoshi asked, as he dodged her kick.
"Let…me…hit…you…in…the…head!"
What kind of favor was that? Well, at least it definitely answered his question. She did want to hit him in the head. But why?
"Why?" he asked, as he dodged a chair.
"Just…let…me…do…it…!"
Aoshi considered it for a moment—he really did. But no, he couldn't just let anyone hit him in the head. Aoshi decided that the last statement was not one he wanted to give an answer to, and continued to concentrate on dodging the blows Misao dealt to him.
Misao would punch, and Aoshi would dodge. It was a vicious, never-ending cycle—that is, until Misao finally grew too tired to really aim properly any longer.
"ARGH! Aoshi-sama…DON'T drink tea! PLEASE! I HATE it…"
Pausing, Aoshi wondered if it was the right time to ask. It probably wasn't, but he did so anyway. "Misao? Could you tell me where the tea is?" He had to know.
Misao threw a final plate at him, and stormed out of the kitchen.
RESULTS OF TEST #3: Since our researcher failed to land even a single blow on our test subject's head, he wasn't able to get amnesia. Therefore we can only conclude that the "Hit the Tea-Addict Over His or Her Head—Maybe He or She Will Get Amnesia" Method does not work.
"Aoshi-sama? Here, give me the teapot."
Aoshi looked warily at Misao. "Why do you want it?" he asked carefully.
Misao paused and then sighed. "I'm going to make you some tea," she said finally, in a defeated voice.
The Conclusion: According to all of our test results, performed and conducted by the…ahem…highly trained researcher, it is impossible to rid the tea-addict of his or her addiction to tea. Countless tests were conducted on our test subject, and all the results pointed in this direction.
Therefore, if you happen to have a family member, friend, or enemy who has a tea addiction that you wish to be rid of, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
The End