What Would He Think?

By Sakata Ri Houjun

 

~***************~

 

I can’t watch him go.  He’s leaving and I would give anything to get him to stay.  I can’t tell if he’s happy to leave because of that damned mask, but he shouldn’t really have a reason to go.  I mean, we are the last and we’ve been through too much shit together for us to be alone.

 

Yeah, I have Kouji, who’s been the brother I never had, but he doesn’t have a clue what it felt like to have your soul torn apart each time a fellow seishi died.  It left deep wounds and a deep emptiness that can’t be filled.

 

Looking at Chichiri’s smiling mask I realize that maybe it didn’t affect him quite like it did me.  He’s already lived through a traumatizing incident and still carries the scars from losing loved ones.  I’m not talking just physically either.

 

“Do ya really have to go?”  Inwardly I wince at how much I sound like I’m whining.  There’s a slight tremor about his face that indicates that he’s seriously considering how his answer will affect me, of how I’ll react.

 

“I can’t explain it, Tasuki-kun.  I just have to wander, no da.  This has nothing to do with you or the hospitality you’ve shown me, na no da.”

 

He shrugs his shoulders and turns to go, but I latch onto his arm.  “Promise that you’ll at least come back soon.”

 

The mask smiles back at me as he gives a slight nod.  “I have absolutely no reason not to, no da.”

 

I reluctantly release his arm and stand back as he slowly disappears from my sight.  Even after he’s gone, I still watch.  I can’t help but feel afraid that it will be the last time I’ll ever see him.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

When was the last time I saw Tasuki?  Three years already?

 

Hai, three years have passed since I left the holy mountain where my friend resides.  I’m certain he must be mad at me for not coming to visit and I can’t really blame him.  I did promise to return but I still haven’t.  And for the life of me, I can’t come up with why I hesitate.  What is my reason?

 

I left Mount Leikaku because I’ve been uncertain of my fate, my soul continuously tortured by some inner turmoil.  I left, seeking the stability of my wanderings.  Funny, to think that walking aimlessly from place to place could be considered stable.  I guess it’s because I don’t have a place to call home anymore.

 

My place of birth was destroyed long ago.  Mount Taikyoku and the monastery where I train were schools, nothing more.  The palace was never meant for such a simple man as myself despite the offers to remain as an advisor.  And Mount Leikaku…

 

I’m so tired of avoiding my friend.  Not that he couldn’t help me but I don’t want my problems to become his.  Lately the faces of all the friends I have lost throughout the years have haunt my dreams.  They remind me rather painfully that I’m still alive, that I must have a purpose yet to fulfill.

 

All these people live deep inside my heart, the very seat of my emotions where I also harbor my deepest secrets.  I’ve found that over the past three years, as this dream started coming more frequently, that the features of my friends are becoming obscured.  I can’t help but worry.  Am I to forget the dearest people who have shaped me as I am?

 

If I forget them, then I will truly be alone.  I shake my head, unable to cope with this thought, but the seed has been laid.

 

I sigh, recalling my promise mad to Tasuki.  Do I honestly have a choice anymore?  I don’t wish to burden him with my troubles, but if I see his face, hear his voice, I can lose this fear.  But it will inspire other problems that I have tried to forget.

 

Tasuki seemed sad the day I left.  Perhaps I should go and visit, but…  I can’t all the same.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

It’s the same thing every night, has been ever since Chichiri left.  I stare down at the empty bottle in my hand, others scattered nearby, and wonder just where I went wrong.  I had to have done something to make my closest friend want to get away from me.  Has it been three years?  I guess I lost count along the way.

 

I’m feeling very shitty at the moment.  The others are all downstairs, waiting for me to join in but I don’t feel like it.  Maybe Chichiri doesn’t want to come back.  Maybe I did something I wasn’t even aware of to drive him away.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Lately, I’ve lost the energy I used to have because I can’t help but think about these things.  Kouji seems to have picked up on the source of my problem.  I’m wondering what the hell took him so long.

 

However, Kouji still encourages me and I do need to be a leader for my men.  Despite this, it still bugs me.  Where the fuck is Chichiri?  Someday I’m just going to leave this place to hunt down his ass.

 

Yeah right.  I say that every night, but I haven’t fallen through on it.  Empty threats, just like the bottle in my hand.  Just like my heart.  Something’s wrong and I haven’t a clue as to why.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

Something’s wrong and I don’t understand why.  My hand is poised to knock on the door to Tasuki’s chamber.  So why do I still hesitate?

 

I can honestly admit as to how nervous I am.  Will Tasuki have changed?  One thing will be certain, he will be furious at me for taking so long to visit.  I can’t give him an excuse.  I can’t even come up with one to explain my actions to myself.

 

But he will forgive just as easily as he angers.  Why he is so pure in his emotions is beyond my understanding.  Why he is my friend is an even greater enigma.

 

Enough questions, I can’t stay out here forever.  It will hurt to see the anger in his eyes, especially to see that famous temper directed at me.  The conflict in my soul will also be resurrected from its forgotten corner that I eventually managed to push it into.  It already began stirring at the memories this place ignited.

 

Gods, I need to quit stalling.  I made it this far, so I might as well jump into the proverbial fire.  Taking a deep breath to calm my rapidly beating heart and, as last minute thought, I pull the mask from my face as I knock.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I can’t believe that I almost missed that soft knock on my door.  I would have ignored it except that my sake-addled mind had determined that it was Kouji, coming to annoy me again about ignoring the party downstairs.  At the expense of sparing myself his ‘knock knock’ routine, I opened the door, ready to tell him to fuck off ‘cause I wasn’t in the mood.

 

Now I’m still in shock.  He actually came back.  All that sorrow just disappeared the moment I saw his face.  He wasn’t wearing his mask, just a genuine if not timid smile.  Did he know how worried I’d been?  Did he realize how pissed of I was at myself?  If he did, he gave no indication.

 

I was too shocked to speak and he only offer a quite greeting I couldn’t even bring myself to return.  I think we stood in silence that way for a good fifteen minutes before Kouji appeared.  He was just as surprised as I was but still took advantage of the situation.  Slinging one arm around my shoulders and leading Chichiri by the hand, he brought us downstairs, proclaiming to my men that we now had a real reason to celebrate.

 

Needless to say, Chichiri’s not enjoying himself.  He never liked parties or large crowds and I’ve never seen him touch a drop of alcohol either.  The other bandits are drunk, or at least getting there.  I’m not exactly aware of how many times Kouji has refilled my cup either.

 

“Ne, Chichiri,” Kouji begins after taking a healthy swig from a bottle.  “Why did ya stay away for so long?”

 

My friend looks up.  At first he’s surprised at being addressed and then he apparently gets uncomfortable about the question.  He shrugs and resumes staring at the floor.  This doesn’t deter Kouji.

 

“C’mon, you can tell us.  You must have a real good reason.”

 

“I bet he had loads of fun,” a tawny-haired bandit named Tokuyama calls out good-naturedly.

 

Another bandit, named Yoshiki, slaps Chichiri on the back.  “Prolly has a sweetheart tucked away in some far off village.”

 

“Yeah,” Tokuyama returns.  “Or maybe several.  Ya know that monks can really get around.”

 

Chichiri’s visibly shrinking in his seat at this point.  I open my mouth to stop them from continuing the teasing.  I know it’s all in fun, but…

 

“Not Chichiri, man,” a dark-skinned youth named Nishioka interrupts me.  “He’s prolly inta men.”

 

Even in the low light of the fire, I can see his face turning red.  I fee Kouji placing a hand on my arm to calm me, but I shrug him off and get to my feet.  Nishioka is facing away from me and hadn’t noticed my anger.  The bastard’s laughing still.

 

“Isn’t that right, Chichiri?  Ya prolly love taking it in th’ rear.”

 

In one quick movement, I grab his collar and haul the bastard to his feet.  Baring my fangs menacingly to scare him shitless, it’s all I do not to kick his ass.

 

“Leave Chichiri alone…”  My quiet voice is heard in the silence.

 

“G-genrou…  I-I’m only h-having f-fun…” he protests.

 

With my free hand, I turn his scared face to look at Chichiri who is as stunned as the others by my actions, but hasn’t lost the blush from the earlier insults.  “Does he look like he’s having fun?”

 

“B-but it was only a joke.”

 

I throw him to the ground, fed up with his pathetic excuses.  “That man is my friend and worth more than your pitiful ass.  He deserves the same respect you give me…  No, he deserves more than I do.”

 

“Tasuki…”

 

I turn at Chichiri’s whisper.  He shakes his head, a silent plea to not do this.  I sigh as I allow my anger to drain and my body relaxes.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I feel my body relax as I breathe in the night air.  I love this holy mountain.  The very spirit and energy that comes from the rocks and ground feeds my weary soul, revitalizes my ki.  And Tasuki…  He gives me something more.  I don’t have a name yet for this sensation, but it eases my solitude.

 

Once the whole ‘scene’ was over, he apologized.

 

“Gomen ne, Chichiri.  It’s just that I care about you and they weren’t being very fucking nice, insulting you like that.”

 

Those were his words as he led me to my room.  It’s the same room I occupied the last time I stayed here.  I think Tasuki gave me this room specifically because of the view.  I could spend hours just staring out the window like I am now.  You can see down the face of the mountain itself to the glittering lights of a far-off city in the distance.  The room faces east, so when the sun rises here, it’s absolutely breathtaking.  More spectacular than the mountains where my village used to be and more serene than the beauty of Mount Taikyoku.

 

But the harsh words from earlier cannot be drowned so easily in the calm quiet of this night.  Their teasing had hit a rather sensitive spot within me.  Normally, I don’t get embarrassed that easily.  Ever since losing Kouran and Hikou, I’ve been denying myself so many things, refusing to let myself feel certain emotions.  Even so, I am a human being and can’t help but be attracted bodily.  It is only natural.  However, it isn’t just women that I’ve found attractive…

 

Hai, Tasuki is beautiful  Before I last left here, I found my thoughts turning to his face, his body.  After first meeting him, I guess it was inevitable that it should come to this, to my fantasizing about being with a hot-tempered bandit.  That’s what embarrassed me.  What would my friend think of me if he knew?

 

But over the years, I’ve come to realize how much he means to me as  friend.  I can’t explain what it is, but seeing his eyes when he admitted to caring about me made me feel a sense of belonging.  It felt like I had come home.  To the mountains and my friend, and the strength they both give me.

 

I blink in surprise.  Suddenly my wanderings seem pointless now.  Has Mount Leikaku become my true home?  What can this mean?  Dare I believe it to be true?

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I can’t believe I lost my temper like that.  Baka.  Still, I couldn’t let that asshole say such things to Chichiri.  He seemed okay though once I got him to his room.

 

His room…

 

In the three years since I last saw him, I hadn’t let anyone occupy it except to have it cleaned.  I guess subconsciously I did know that he’d return one day.  Will he plan on leaving again?  Would he stay if I asked?  I care too much to chance losing him again.

 

Chichiri’s my friend and I’d gladly die to protect him.  In the time he was gone did I only realize how much he means to me…  How much I depended upon his presence…

 

How much I…  I…

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I…  I...should probably tell Tasuki my secret, that I’ve been lusting after him for some time.  He won’t hate me because he is my friend, but he might get uncomfortable.  Would he tell me to leave?  And what should he do if I asked to stay?  One thing for certain is that our friendship won’t be the same.

 

I enter his room without knocking only to find him staring at me.  No, he’s staring past me with wide, shocked eyes.  But it’s not the same shock as before when I last entered this room.  He looks more like he discovered that the answer to a question was in front of him all along.

 

Finally, he focuses on me and his eyes soften to…

 

Must be my imagination.

 

“Tasuki-kun, I have something to confess, no da,” I begin tentively.

 

“I have something I have need to get off my chest myself.  Chiri, I don’t want you to go.”

 

I widen my eye in surprise.  But I feel a relieved smile spreading over my face.  “I wasn’t planning on it, no da.”

 

“After what the other guys said and all I was worried that ya…  Nani?”  He looks up as my response has finally settled in.

 

“I’ve decided to stay here…”  I want to add ‘with you’, but I’m afraid.  This isn’t right.  I shouldn’t be feeling quite this happy…

 

What’s happening to me?

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

Something’s happening with Chichiri.  I can tell by the way he’s chewing on his bottom lip and how he’s creasing his brow.  It’s funny but these idle gestures were things I never really noticed until now. 

 

I pat next to me on the bed.  “Sit down and tell me what’s on yer mind.”

 

Almost cautiously, he accepts my offer and looks at me expectantly.  “Ne, Chichiri, are ya worried about the guys teasing you again?”

 

He stares down at his hands, face turning red.  Bingo.  The comments must have really unnerved him.  I place my hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.

 

“I know you ain’t like that, Chichiri.  If ya want, I’ll kick their asses for ya next time.”

 

“Iya,” he says softly.  “I don’t mind the teasing so much.  It’s just…”  He biting his lip again.  He must be having a hard time in telling me what he came to say.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

Gods, I can’t tell him now.  He’ll never accept me as I am even though he’s my friend.  I want to leave, but I want to stay.  I want to stay here because of him.  Because I…

 

Do I?

 

I can’t say it. I don’t know if it’s true. 

 

And I can’t stay in this room with him being so close.  The warmth of his ki is filling me with…something.  Desire definitely.  I’m uncertain of what I may end up doing of I stay.  He won’t hate me, but he won’t like it.

 

“I should go and get some sleep, no da,” I mutter, giving up.  My smile is gone now as I sigh wearily.  My heart is battling back and forth and I can’t even begin to answer my own questions any more.  I thought I had the answers to everything but this…

 

I move to stand but he stops me with a single word.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

“Matte.”

 

He looks over at my voice, his gaze tired.  I can’t tell him.  After the harsh teasing, how would he take my confessing that I’m attracted to him, that I love him?  But my conscious demands some closure, nagging at the back of my mind to do something.  I take his hand in mine, marveling at it’s softness and warmth a moment.

 

“I’m sorry for what happened and I’m glad you want to stay.  I’ve missed you, Chiri.”

 

Without breaking the eye contact I’ve established, I bring his hand to my lips.  What am I doing?  The same shock is in his eye, well that’s to be expected.  But underneath all that is an understanding and something softer too.  That surprises me.

 

I let his hand go and he stands.  “Oyasumi, Tasuki-kun,” he says quietly before exiting.  I couldn’t help but notice the return of that smile…

 

Maybe I pushed it with that kiss.  Maybe I ought to go after him and laugh it off as some joke.  But how can you laugh off a sincere action?

 

I’m so fucking confused.  I can only wonder what must be going through Chichiri’s mind…

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

Tasuki’s lips upon my skin…

 

That has remained at the forefront of my mind ever since it happened.  I have never felt quite like this before.  I knew he cared, but does he…?  Is he…?

 

And am I able to return those feelings?

 

I’ve been avoiding Tasuki for a week now because of this.  Until I can answer my own questions, I’m afraid of what may happen.

 

I said that I’d stay, but what if I can’t return those feelings?  Am I even capable of love anymore?  Is what I’m feeling just frustrated lust or something deeper?  What would it mean to him if I acted on those urges?

 

Everything seems to be going to fast, as if the world is spinning beyond my control. 

 

But does it matter anyway?  Knowing what I have done, knowing my past, Tasuki is willing to show me affection unlike anything I have ever experienced.  I saw such joy in his eyes when I said that I’d stay here.  I’d give anything to see that joy again.  I want to feel his lips upon me again, not just for physical fulfillment either.  I love…him…

 

Hai…  I do love him, with all my heart.  The answer to all my questions had been inside me all along as well as the potential for this emotion.  I just didn’t realize it till now.  I need to tell him.  I must…

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I must have done something wrong again.  Damn baka.  It’s what I get for acting without thinking.  No wonder he’s avoiding me.  I know he ain’t that way.  Hell, I didn’t think that I was that way either until I realized that I loved him.  I don’t want him to be uncomfortable so perhaps I should say I was only kidding with that kiss.

 

I enter my chambers, determined to find Chichiri in the morning and explain, only I find myself wrapped in a pair of slender arms.  A musky scent overpowers my senses, making my head spin.  I feel a body pressed firmly from behind, a rapidly beating heart matching my own.

 

“Tasuki,” comes a whispered voice, warm breath tickling my neck and ear.  I close my eyes, afraid that this is a dream, that he isn’t really here.  I relax into his embrace to feel him…solid…warm…real…

 

“Why are you here?”  My own voice is breathless.

 

“I said that I’d stay, didn’t I, no da?”  I can feel his lips brushing against my ear and I shiver.

 

“Yeah.  But why are you here?”

 

“Because I want to stay here…

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

“With you…”

 

There I said it.  Now, will Tasuki accept me as I am?  Will he love me back, as I think he does?  Or have I made a mistake in confessing my heart?

 

He slightly pulls from me and I panic.  But he only shifts in my arms to look at me.  I can see the joy in his beautiful eyes.  I have my answer.

 

Tasuki slips his arms around my waist to press our bodies even closer.  My heart feels as if it is about to explode.

 

“I thought you weren’t that way, Chiri.  I mean, what the others said…”

 

“Hai.  I was embarrassed, but only because I was afraid of how you’d react if you knew the truth about me.  I didn’t realize that I was actually in love with you until after that, until after I was aware of how much you really cared.”  I lean in to nuzzle his neck, unable to control the urges I suppressed.  His hair feels softer than I imagined and he smells so good.

 

He tilts his head back with a moan at my ministrations, his earring brushing against my cheek.  Perhaps I am new to this, but I’m willing to let myself love him, in body as will as in soul.  Gods, I want this so much, let me prove myself worthy to him.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I’m not worthy of this affection.  Chichiri’s too perfect and pure, but he’s passionate and beautiful.  What have I done to earn his affection?

 

I squeeze Chichiri tightly, feeling him against me.  I want him.  And more importantly, he wants me just as much.  And he trusts me too, I can feel that coming from him as well.

 

My trust has always been placed him, my life in his hands as we fought side by side, my emotions at his feet every time we lost a fellow seishi and I cried on his shoulder, and now my heart laid bare.  Screw what the others might say.  If they make fun of us, of my Chiri, for our being the way we are, then I really will kick their asses.

 

But I have to say it first before we go any farther.  I need to say what I denied him the last time we were alone.  His face is still buried in the crook of my neck, his lips working slowly at the skin.  I need to see his face when I tell him.

 

“Chiri,” I begin as I pull him away.  His hand moves to caress my face and I lean into that soft touch.  “Chiri…  Aishiteru.”

 

“I know,” he returns as he smiles.  He leans in closer.  “Aishiteru.”

 

I see the sincerity deep in his gaze.  I can’t control myself anymore.  With a groan, I cover his lips in a kiss.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

I never imagined how soft and sweet a kiss could be.  My whole body feels ablaze with Tasuki’s fire and passion.  Acting on pure instinct, I open my mouth, deepening the kiss.  Within mere heartbeats, our tongues are intertwined.  Never have I felt like this before.  It’s like I’m drowning in fire and soaring high above the clouds all at once.

 

The kiss breaks, but I want more.  I lean in to kiss him again but Tasuki pulls away, his breathless and flushed face absolutely beautiful.

 

“Are ya certain you want this?  I willing to wait till you’re ready…”

 

I smile at his obviously loving and considerate gesture before brushing my lips against his throat.  He begins purring and I keep them pressed a moment longer at those vibrations.

 

“I want this, Tasuki.  I want you.”

 

As we kiss again, my mind wanders back to the faces of all those I had known.  The same faces I’d seen in my dreams and had been so worried about forgetting.  But it was silly really for me to worry.  I could never forget them.  Instead, I think it was they who wanted me to not forget that I had a destiny yet.

 

I’m holding that destiny in my arms now.  Tasuki is the completion of my soul and the epitome of everything that I had endured in the past.  So many hardships I have had to overcome.  Surviving numerous times when we should have died.  It all happened so that I could realize the dormant emotions within my heart.

 

How I was able to leave him before is beyond my comprehension.  And how I was able to deny the potential deep inside…

 

I won’t deny it now.  I love him and that’s all that matters.

 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

 

Ya know something?  I never realized how much he mattered to me until he left.  And now that he’s here for good, I’ll never let him go. 

His head is resting on my shoulder, scar hidden against my body and a slight smile on his face.  His unbound hair pools into a soft cascade down his pale skin.  He looks like an angel.  My angel.

 

We fell asleep holding hands and even now, our fingers are still intertwined.  Gently, I bring his hand to my lips and kiss the skin, so much like that on night when I first realized the truth.  Seems so long ago now.

 

Chichiri stirs, his one eye blinking open and the smile never leaving his beautiful face.

 

“Sleep well?” I ask.

 

He doesn’t answer but raises his head to brush his lips against mine.  His lingers long enough for me to not mistake the love and passion yet to be tapped within.  An eternity of potential just for me.

 

We now have our whole lives ahead of us, if it’d be a week or a hundred years.  I love him and intend to show him every minute the joy he gives me.

 

~****************~