Pull of Destiny

*(3/9)

By Sakata Ri Houjun

 

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Rolling over onto his back, Chichiri found himself gazing up at the  ceiling of his bedroom once more.  He placed his arms behind his head  and sighed as he felt fatigue tugging at his system.  However, no  matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to fall asleep.  Chichiri  was just too wound up with a mixture of excitement and anxiety at  having found Tasuki.

 

It amazed him to no end that had one of the other seishi in his  apartment.  And not just any one, but Tasuki.  The one man he felt  truly close to despite everything, who knew him as well as he knew  himself, the friend he had turned his back on a lifetime ago.

 

Chichiri sat up in bed and stared at the closed bedroom door.  In  this lifetime, he had always felt as if there was a heavy blanket  suppressing a part of himself or that a piece of his mind had been  cut away.  When he regained his memories, he realized that the  sensation was the absence of his magic.  Staring at the door,  Chichiri longed for his powers so he could reach out with his ki to  feel the familiar presence of his friend and find reassurance that  Tasuki was still there.

 

Unable to control himself any longer, Chichiri threw back the covers  and swung his legs to the floor.  He padded to the door, his bare  feet making the barest whisper across the thick carpet.  Placing a  hand on the wood, Chichiri imagined for a moment how Tasuki must look  on the other side, asleep.

 

Slowly, he turned the knob, wincing slightly at the click, and pushed  open the door.  He peeked past the doorframe to spy on his friend.  A  slight smile crossed his face at the sight of Tasuki, one arm behind  his head, the other flung out haphazardly.  His legs were spread out  wide and his mouth hung open as he breathed heavily, verging on  snoring.  Chichiri shook his head.  They may have changed, but some  habits still stayed the same from life to life.

 

Silvery moonlight streamed in through a window to throw shadows  across Tasuki's prone body.  He still wore the white shirt and jeans  from before, but he had shed his shoes and sock.  Chichiri noticed  that the blanket he had brought for Tasuki's benefit had been  discarded to the floor.  He sighed and retrieved the soft blue fabric.

 

As he wrapped the blanket around Tasuki's body, he mind wandered back  to the many nights spent under the stars with his friend.  Chichiri  glanced up at the window to see the moon shining brightly, surrounded  by stars.  After the rain had stopped, the sky had cleared even  though it was still cold.

 

But back then, almost every night had been clear.  How many times had  he awakened to find Tasuki asleep and huddling from the chill?   Whenever that happened, Chichiri would take his kesa and cover his  friend to keep him warm.

 

As the blanket was pulled over Tasuki's torso, Chichiri's fingers  brushed against the muscled planes of his shoulders.  He jerked his  hands away suddenly at the contact, his face growing hot and body  tightening.  Chichiri closed his eyes and shook his head.

 

A monk was forbidden to feel such emotions, especially for a man.  In  the time they had traveled together, Chichiri found it sheer torture  to not touch Tasuki, even casually.  Again and again, he forced  himself into feverish prayers, frantically devoting all the pent-up  frustration into his faith.  With time and practice, he had gained  control over his body although it was never complete.

 

But in this world, in this time, he wasn't a monk and such affection  was accepted and supported.  Chichiri opened his eyes to watch Tasuki  sleep.  He couldn't deny how he felt about him this time around.  If  anything else, his feelings were amplified because of everything he  had been exposed to in this life.

 

Yet, even if he finally acknowledged how he felt, he could never act  on it because Tasuki could never feel the same way.  Chichiri laughed  softly at that thought.  It sounded pathetic, even to him.  The true  reason was the hurt that remained after what had happened between  them the last time they saw each other.  That faraway day that seemed  so unreal that it may have been a dream...more like a nightmare.   Chichiri could never forget the events of that day even if Tasuki  never remembered.

 

"Wouldn't that be the height of irony?" Chichiri asked aloud while  reaching down to brush away Tasuki's bands.  His fingertips danced  lightly along the temple while his thumb traced the outline of his  ear.  Chichiri shivered, but couldn't pull away as if he was somehow  glued to Tasuki's warmth.

 

"You never could forget a grudge, could you?  And I was always so  forgiving.  Yet, you don't remember and I am the one who can't forget  it.  But I am sorry for what happened even though I can't take it  back."  Chichiri paused and withdrew his had.  He stared at Tasuki's  sleeping face for a moment more before banding down to press his lips  against the smooth skin he had just stroked.

 

"You can't hear me.  But I don't want to hurt you again," he  whispered softly into the skin.  Having said what had been plaguing  his heart ever since the moment he first realized who the man laying  on the wet pavement was, Chichiri straightened back up and returned  to his room, shutting the door behind him.

 

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As soon as the door closed with an audible click, Tasuki opened his  eyes and let out a slow, shaking breath.  Ever since Chichiri had  retired to his room earlier that night, Tasuki had found sleep to be  elusive even though he knew he was tired.  All night long, he kept  staring at the ceiling in utter amazement.  Despite all the  differences between the two lives he's lived, of all people it had  been Chichiri to find him and pull him out of the proverbial gutter  he was in again.

 

The moment he heard Chichiri's door open, Tasuki had pretended being  asleep to avoid talking to his friend.  Not that he didn't mind the  former monk's company, but he didn't want to drag up the past and  what had happened between them.  It still hurt, the things said on  that day and Tasuki was certain that it would take more than a  lifetime for those wounds to heal.  Especially for Chichiri, if the  past was any indication.  It also couldn't be avoided forever, but  Tasuki didn't want to deal with it right then.

 

Even though silence had remained after Chichiri departed once more to  his room, Tasuki could still hear his heart pounding loudly.  It had  been that way ever since Chichiri had brushed against his shoulders  with those cool fingers that he could feel through the thin cotton of  his shirt.  It felt as if an electric shock had run the entire length  of his body, accentuated by the overwhelming closeness of his friend.

 

Tasuki had used every ounce of his control not to snap open his eyes  and pull Chichiri down into his arms right then.  The sensations  caused by that man with the simplest touch had always been purest  magic.  Tasuki always yearned for more, yet denied himself the  ultimate satisfaction because his friend was so submerged in his  faith and seemed beyond the reaches of physical pleasure.

 

However, when Chichiri had kissed his forehead, a new realization  struck Tasuki.  His friend cared for him, maybe always had, and  perhaps felt as lonely as he had all this time.  He should have acted  then, but Chichiri brought up their past.  He had apologized, but he  also mentioned that he could never forget.  What made it worse was  that he thought that Tasuki didn't remember.  That's what hurt and  stopped him from showing Chichiri how much he loved him.

 

Tasuki rolled over onto his side, pulling the deep blue blanket  tighter around him.  He could smell Chichiri on the fabric and desire  flamed through his body.  He tossed the blanket to the floor again  before he could torture himself further.

 

Chichiri was a good man, in any life.  He may have remembered, but he  didn't deserve to hurt.  And if things could be forgiven and  forgotten, would they just repeat the events of that day all over  again?  Tasuki wasn't about to risk breaking Chichiri's heart just so  he could find physical fulfillment.  He loved his friend too much to  hurt him again like that.

 

Taking another deep breath to calm his body down, Tasuki closed his  eyes, and willed himself to sleep.