Monk

*(5/8)

By Sakata Ri Houjun

 

 *****************

 

I awoke to find myself in the same position I had fallen asleep in the night prior.  I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up again, my despair was so great, but it was time for me to leave.  When I moved, I found that my body ached in the strangest places.  I rotated my head and felt my neck popping uncomfortably.

 

I collected my shakujo from outside the temple.  All I could think about was Nanami's welfare.  I had vowed to return to see her, but it was early.  I wished that Tasuki were here to reassure me again.

 

I looked up and noticed that I had wandered near a tavern.  My stomach cramped from lack of food.  These establishments were normally open at all hours.  After last night's failure, I was also in need of some good spirits.  I could use a strong drink...

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Surprisingly, after a good meal and a drink, I felt a lot better.  No wonder Tasuki drank as much as he did.  The sun was higher and the time seemed right to visit Nanami.  Since Suzaku wasn't going to help, I would take action.  Perhaps it was the touch of alcohol in my system, but I felt sure in this decision.

 

I made certain my mask was fastened securely to my face before announcing my presence at Nanami's house.  No one answered my knock, so I opened the door.  At first I heard silence and fear gripped at my heart.  Did something go wrong last night?

 

Then I could hear faint crying coming from the back of the house.  I quickly ran and found Nanami's mother, Satsuki, curled up against the far wall in tears.  She didn't hear me come in.  I knelt before her and laid my shakujo down, its jingling causing her to finally look up at me.

 

"Oh, Chichiri-sama!"  She fell against me and clung to my kesa.  I recalled that her daughter had done the same action before.  I gently stroked her back to calm her down.

 

"What's wrong?  Is it Nanami?"  Had her father...

 

"No, she fine," she sobbed.  "But I don't know if..." her voice trailed off as her body began to shake.  I held her tightly.

 

"Where's your husband?"

 

She jerked back and looked at me.  I couldn't help but notice how red and puffy her eyes were.  There were also dark circles under them as well.  Had she been crying all night?

 

"I threw that bastard out of the house," she muttered through clenched teeth.

 

I nodded.  "That's good.  Now he can't hurt Nanami anymore."

 

She stared at me in confusion.  "What?"

 

My heart stopped.  The alcohol in my system...My estranged night...I had just been careless with my words.  I squeezed Satsuki’s shoulders.  "It’s okay now.  Nanami's safe..."

 

She pushed me away and stood up.  "You knew?"  Her anger was now directed at me.  I couldn't even look at her.  "You knew and did nothing?"

 

I stood to face her wrath.  I deserved it after my cowardice.  I didn’t even try to make any excuses.  My vows couldn't stop me from accepting the blame.

 

"Yes, I knew."

 

"How can you call yourself a man?"

 

"Mother...” I turned to the soft voice that came from behind me.   Nanami stood in the doorway.  Her gray eyes moved from her mother to me and I thought I saw something flicker within them for a moment.  "Chichiri, you came back?"

 

"He was just leaving...” Satsuki grabbed my arm and began to drag me towards the front door.  I resisted only because I wished to talk with Nanami, to beg her forgiveness.

 

"No, please...Nanami, I'm sorry.  Please, forgive me.  I wanted to help you.  Please understand."

 

She watched me as her mother shoved me out the door.  I tried to get back in, but she blocked me.

 

"Don't ever darken this doorway with your presence again."  Her eyes locked on mine for a moment.  "I hope you burn in hell."  The door slammed in my face.

 

I stood there in shock for a moment or two.  I knew she meant what she said.  And did Nanami hate me as well?  I couldn't blame her if she did.

 

Half a moment later after walking away, I realized that I had left my shakujo inside.

 

I decided that one drink hadn't been enough.  I needed more, so I headed back to the tavern.  I needed to forget Satsuki's words and Nanami’s haunting eyes.  I felt lost and even Suzaku couldn't reach me...No one could.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Chichiri...Never thought I'd find ya here!"

 

I looked up at the sound of my name and found Tasuki striding through the entrance of the tavern.  I felt tears welling up at the sight of the carefree man whom I loved...This man who had no idea what I had just been through.  Quickly, I turned my attention back to my drink before he noticed my face.

 

A strong hand clasped my shoulder, jarring me a bit.  "I’d thought that I'd follow you and see if I could be of help in solving your problem."  He noticed the drink in my hand.  "I take it hasn't been solved yet?"

 

He sat down on the stool next to me.  The scent of the mountain air wafted towards me.  Gods, he made my heart race.  The drinks surged through my blood, begging me to be bold, to take this bandit in my arms now.  But...Satsuki's words...Nanami's eyes...They swirled madly within my mind.  I felt my sanity beginning to slip and took a long sip of my drink.

 

Tasuki must have noticed than my pensive face, despite the mask because he leaned in closer.  "A ryo for your thoughts...Or how about another bite?"  I felt his tongue tracing the very spot that had been bitten off the day before.  To the casual passer-by, it seemed that he was telling me a secret.

 

I closed my eye; squeezed it shut.  Inadvertently, I had released the tears in my eye.  The mask prevented him from seeing.

 

Apparently I did not respond the way he had expected, so he placed his hand under the bar and began caressing my thigh.  I clenched my teeth.  It took every ounce of my resolve to prevent a moan from escaping my mouth.  Tasuki's deftness as a bandit served him well.   His well-hidden hand began to move higher.  My body began to throb with need.  I wanted the sweet release only my lover could provide.

 

But...Satsuki's words...Nanami's eyes...

 

I rose to my feet and turned away from Tasuki in frustration.  I didn’t deserve happiness after what I had just done.

 

I felt his eye burning into me.  I couldn't even turn around to face him.  I should explain, but it couldn't be helped now.  I ruined the life of a girl when I should have helped her.  Tasuki deserved better than me.

 

"What's wrong?"  I didn't answer him.  Suzaku, I thought, please just let him leave before it's too late.

 

"Turn around and face me, Chiri.  You can do that, can't ya?"

 

Just leave, Tasuki.  If you love me, leave.

 

"Tell me what's wrong."

 

Please, before it's too late.  Before you get hurt...

 

He roughly turned me around.  With the mask, I still seemed cheerful.  He violently ripped it off.  The other patrons who were watching us gasped and turned back to their drinks.

 

I stared past Tasuki, making my face as impassive as possible despite the tears on my cheek.  I pleaded with all my heart, by Suzaku and the love we share, please leave Tasuki.  He continued to search for an opening, some clue that would tell him what was wrong.  If he only knew...

 

"Chiri...?"

 

I smiled weakly.  "I've got to go now, no da...” Without another word, I pushed past him and walked outside.  I didn't stop even though I could feel his burning eyes on me.

 

I was completely oblivious to the stare I got from the people I passed.  Even the children stayed away from me.  I didn't care.  I had failed Nanami and I no longer deserved Tasuki.  I couldn't give up my wandering to be with him, not now and probably not ever.  The absence of my shakujo's sound added to the emptiness growing within my heart.

 

I had to leave this city.  I made my way to the outskirts and climbed one of the many hills that overlooked Souun.  I didn't understand why I did that...I felt so...so...tired.  Tasuki didn't need my problems to drag him down.  It was better this way.  Yet, how come I didn’t feel the pain in my heart ease?

 

I sank down onto the grass.  A cool breeze brushed across my face...my mask less face.  The sun was setting now and I watched as the sky changed to the color of blood.  I sighed.  It was all hopeless.  What was the point of any of it?

 

I closed my eye as another breeze blew through the air.  Upon it, I could smell...lavender?  My eye opened in surprise.  Lavender wasn’t native to this area.  I focused my ki to try and figure out what or who was near me.  Then I felt a presence so familiar...A presence that I'd never feel again.  I turned around in shock.

 

Her soft hair the color of the very flowers she smelled of moved ghost-like in the wind.  Her skin was luminescent, almost glowing with an unearthly light.  She laughed, a familiar sound that brought tears to my eye.  She looked just like I remembered her...Kouran.

 

"It's been awhile, Houjun."

 

I wanted to run to her, to hold her, to say all the things I never got to say ten years ago.  Yet, I remained frozen to the spot.  Was I dreaming?  She moved closer and sat down next to me with the delicate grace I had always admired.

 

"You can say something since I came all the way out here to see you...” She cast me a sidelong glance.

 

"I'm sorry.  It's just that...” I lost my voice. Was she a ghost?   A vision?  Or real?  I reached out to touch her hand and found her flesh, solid and warm.  Tears spilt from my eye as I took a firm hold of her hand and pulled her against me.  He free arm circled my shoulders as I cried.  She smelled just like the flowers she used to gather for me when we were children.

 

"Houjun..." she whispered softly.

 

"I'm sorry," I sobbed.  "I should have believed in you back then, but..."

 

"Don't.  Don't torture yourself."  I pulled away and looked into her lovely face.  Here eyes were always so soft and forgiving.  Her hand reached up and traced my scar lightly.  Pain flashed through her eyes for a moment.

 

"Houjun, what has happened to you to make you so sad and tired?  You used to be stronger than this."  I leaned against her hand.

 

"You've been through enough.  Quit shouldering more pain for others.   What happened is gone and can't be helped.  You did what you could and that had always been enough."

 

Her won eyes filled with tears.  "I want you to be happy.  You’re still alive and able to love again."

 

Kouran dropped her hand and stood.  Panic gripped my heart.  Just when I have the chance to be with her again, she was leaving my life again.

 

"I will always love you, Houjun..."

 

"No!" I screamed.  "Let me come with you."

 

She tilted her head.  "Are you that tired and sad, Houjun?"

 

I stood and nodded.  She smiled.  "We’ll be together much sooner than you imagine, but not like this.  It just isn't your time."  She began to disappear.

 

"Kouran, please!"  But she was gone.  All that remained was the scent of lavender to remind me that she had even been there.

 

I want to cry, but oddly enough I felt something inside me fill up with warmth.  Kouran told me to be happy.  Did she know about Tasuki and me?  I shook my head with a smile.  Of course she knew, what else did she mean?  I didn't even seem to bother her that I was in love with a man either.

 

But did she also know of my failure to protect Nanami?  I failed her as a monk as well as a human being.  It was for that reason I didn’t deserve to be happy...

 

My body began to suddenly tip forward, like I was being shoved.  I stumbled and almost fell.  I thought I could hear faint laughter, but that may have been my imagination.  However, the scent of lavender returned, fresh.

 

I looked up and saw the shadow of Mount Leikaku looming over the city like an ancient guardian.  I had hurt Tasuki earlier.  It had been selfish of me to think that turning away would be best for him.  I was wrong and needed to fix that.  He would probably hate me as well, but I loved him and needed to make things right again.

 

I started out for Mount Leikaku and to Tasuki.  I smiled.

 

"Thank you, Kouran."

 

"Be happy, Houjun..." the wind whispered in reply.