Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!

It was several days after the first fic that Warrior Saturn, aka Alex West, wrote for the Queen of Swords. Instead of concentrating on writing a new fic, however, he is busy trying to break back into Zelgadis’ and Xellos’ character profiles and undo the changes he made to them in order to make the pair more lovable. The time of day: noon time.

Alex (grumbling to himself): C’mon baby, you gotta let me back in to those profiles. I need to change what I did before it’s too late.

Alex’s laptop is sitting before him on the table where the cast usually eats their meals, and he’s punching keys like there’s no tomorrow. Each time it asks him for a password he enters what he thinks is the right one, only to have an error screen come up.

Computer: I don’t think so. Try again sugar.

Alex grumbles and punches something else into the computer. The laptop beeps.

Computer: Don’t touch me like that, you pervert!

Alex: You’re the pervert for thinking I’m touching you like that.

Alex recommences typing in different passwords. the computer beeps.

Computer: Please don’t touch me there! (Beep) Pervert!

Alex: I’m not the pervert you baka!

As he continues to type fast and furious the laptop beeps.

Computer: I thought I told you not to touch me there!

Alex fumes and begins to incant the Dragon Slave, only to have the laptop hit him with a fireball before beeping

Computer: I don’t think so!

As Alex is busy typing away, a half awake Queen of Swords walks up to the now toasted guest writer and pulls up a chair.

QoS: Any luck yet?

Alex: None yet. This laptop of mine is being even more of a pain than usual.

QoS: Let me try.

Alex sighs and pushes the laptop over to the queen. She punches a few keys and the computer beeps.

Computer: You must have been a masseuse in a past life. I like the way you touch me. However, the password is incorrect.

Alex stares at the queen in open mouthed awe, since she’s getting a compliment from his laptop.

QoS: I don’t know how I do it, but this thing likes me.

Alex: "Yeah, but it’s still not letting you access the files."

Elsewhere on the island Lina, Gourrigan, Naga, and Sylphiel are laying on the beach, enjoying the brilliant sun and the gorgeous day. Curled up next to Lina is Star, the cat guardian, who is swishing his tail contentedly since he doesn’t have to worry about his ward getting into any more trouble. A snore issues from Gourrigan’s chair, followed by a sigh and something about how he wants dinner for cheap.

Lina: Sheesh, there isn’t anything to do around here.

Naga (sighs): Yeah, no kidding. You’d think that our guest writer would give us some action of some sort.

Lina looks at Naga like she’s possessed.

Lina: Have you forgotten what he did to us at the start of the last fic?!

Naga: Yeah, he gave you more chest and shrank me down to your previous stature.

Sylphiel sits up, pulls down her shades, and sighs.

Sylphiel: Well, at least he’s left Gourrigan dear alone for this fic.

Naga and Lina sigh before going back to lounging. As they’re laying there a naked Xellos streaks by, followed by a lustful Zelgadis, then Rezo, Martina, and Zangalus zip past with assorted ropes and such.

Lina: Oooooo-kay, I did NOT need to see that so close to lunch.

Naga: I don’t suppose they’re going to have some sort of kinky bondage orgy.

Lina and Sylphiel look at Naga in disgust. Star uncoils himself and coughs up a hairball, which lands in Naga’s belly button. Naga leaps up, screams, and runs for the water to clean up.

Lina: Thank you Star. You saved us from Naga’s filthy thoughts.

Star: Don’t mention it. I don’t need to think about things like that before lunch.

The naked Xellos vaults over the people in the beach chairs, followed by a now naked Zelgadis who is still lusting after the violet hired mazoku priest. Martina, Rezo, and Zangalus quickly follow, all still carrying assorted items of restraint.

Sylphiel: I think I’m going to be ill.

Lina: I think I might beat you to that. I will admit Zelgadis has a hot body, but if he’s lusting after Xellos it’s disgusting!

In yet another part of the island Andrew is using the local hot springs to clean up and refresh himself after his repeated encounters with the funky fruit.

Andrew (to himself): It figures they wouldn’t tell me that the red fruit isn’t called funky fruit for nothing. I can’t believe I lusted after..... him.

As he lays back and looks at the sky, the gold dragon shrine maiden Filia approaches, unaware that there’s an almost naked man in the springs. As she steps into the clearing Andrew flips onto his stomach and gets a look at the gold dragon wrapped in her pink towel and blushes an embarrassed shade of crimson. The mace comes out from under the towel and BANG, Andrew has a lump on his head the size of Texas.

Filia: You pervert! How dare you look at a shrine maiden like that, and a married one at that!

Andrew has little dragons fluttering about his head, and he mumbles something incoherant before sinking into the pool, bubbles coming up as he continues to babble.

Returning to the dining spot, the Queen of Swords and Alex are still working on deciphering the password to Zelgadis’ and Xellos’ character profiles. Unfortunately for them the naked pair and the bondage loving trio crash past them, knocking over the table and sending the laptop into orbit. Alex leaps from his chair, performs a few acrobatic tricks, and catches his computer inches from the ground.

Alex: That was a close one.

Computer: PERVERT! I told you not to touch my I/O ports like that!

The computer then promptly electrocutes the guest writer. The Queen of Swords stands up, walks over to where Alex lays in a twitching mass, picks up the computer, and punches a few keys, to which the computer beeps.

Computer: Touch me there all you like darling and I’ll show you a good time tonight.

QoS: Well, since dear Xellos is sort of.... how shall I say.... tied down with Zelgadis, I think I might take you up on that offer.

Alex (coughs up a plume of smoke and mutters): That’s taking cyber sex to a new level.

Moments later Filia appears from the forest, dressed in white cargo shorts and a pink top. She’s dragging a very unconscious Andrew behind her, who is clad only in a pair of black swim trunks. From the look of the warrior and the size of the lump on his head it’s quite obvious that something happened at the bathing spring that resulted in the use of the mace.

Filia: Mister Alex, this friend of yours saw me clad in only a towel at the bathing spring and I’m not too happy about it!

QoS: Were you there first, or was he there first?

Filia (stops and scratches her head for a moment): I believe he was there before me.

Alex: So you clonked him over the head for no reason other than the fact that you saw him in the bathing spring and you thought he was looking at you in a perverted manner?

Xellos and Zelgadis run between Alex and Filia. Martina runs by on Zangalus’ shoulders, a lasso in hand as she screams stuff in cowboy talk. A very tired Rezo is behind them, and he pulls up a chair at the table to catch his breath.

Rezo: Who knew those two had such a sex drive or so much energy.

QoS: I knew Xellos had that much energy....

Alex and Filia: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT!

Rezo: Even I have to admit that I don’t want to hear about that, especially this close to lunch.

The island shakes as several loud stomach grumblings are heard. Alex reaches into a nearby interdimensional portal and pulls out a large pizza, which he downs in a couple of bites before downing a large soda. Rezo, the Queen of Swords, and Filia stare at him in shock that somebody could eat so much in one bite and not offer them any.

Alex: I can’t work when I’m this hungery, ok?!

From behind Filia a loud mumbling is heard. Filia turns around to see Andrew struggling to his feet while nursing the large bump on his head. He looks at Filia and blushes again, since he’s somewhat soaking wet and clad only in a pair of swim trunks. Filia mistakes this for him having lemony thoughts of her and CLANG, the mace strikes him in the head again, bringing him down for the count.

Alex (sighs): You just HAD to go and hit him again, didn’t you?

Filia: He was looking at me like he....

Rezo: He was looking at you and was embarrassed by the fact that he was soaking wet and not wearing that much. That’s why he blushed. He was probably startled when he saw you at the bathing spring and blushed then as well. Both times you got the wrong idea and....

Rezo is cut off when Filia’s mace strikes him in the head. The red priest goes down for the count as well, little Zelgadis’ running around his head.

QoS (sighs): We REALLY need to work on your temper Filia. If you keep bonking people in the head with that mace sooner or later you’ll give them drain bamage and we’ll have a lawsuite on our hands.

Filia puts her mace away, sits down, and pouts. The computer makes a few obscene remarks to the Queen of Swords, who threatens to infect it with a computer virus if it doesn’t learn some manners. Xellos and Zelgadis run by again, this time they’re clad in each other’s clothes. Martina and Zangalus run by again, this time Zangalus is on Martina’s shoulders.

Alex: I don’t even WANT to think about that right now.

QoS: Your laptop isn’t being too agreeable and it’s coming on to me.

Alex looks over to see several cables wrapped around the Queen of Swords like arms. On the screen of the laptop is a digital face of a man with glasses and who seems to be in his early 30’s. Rezo and Filia look over the queen’s shoulder at the face, who smiles at them.

Computer: Hello, I’m the Mal 9000S program. My creator is Doctor Blight, and she has some really fun plans for this island.

Alex falls over and goes into convulsions. A moment later Lina, Sylphiel, Gourrigan, Naga, and Star run up to the group, all visibly out of breath.

QoS: What’s wrong you guys?

Lina: Something nasty this way comes, and it’s color scheme is really ugly.

Gourrigan: It’s pink and yellow and light blue.

The cast look at one another, then figure out that Amelia is still missing.

Cast (collectively): AMELIA!

Sylphiel: Action stations! We must defend the island from that mazoku lusting , justice loving freak!

The cast stares at Sylphiel in shock. Sylphiel looks at Alex, who has a hand held computer booted up and is looking up the day’s script. He looks to her a minute later and shrugs.

Alex: I don’t think I wrote those lines.

Naga: Then who did?!

Xellos and Zelgadis pull up a minute later and embrace one another before kissing passionately. The remaining cast turns green and run off to boot up breakfast. They return a minute later to see the two still kissing.

Lina: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows....

Gourrigan hog ties Lina and gags her mouth shut.

QoS: There will be NO Dragon Slaving cast members today. Save your magic for ....

Voice: Doctor Amelia Blight!!

The cast turns towards the shore to see a large gas guzzling speed boat done in a horrendous shade of pink with light blue and yellow trim. Perched atop the bow is Amelia, who is dressed in a flaming pink jump suit, light blue boots, and black gloves with yellow trim. Her hair has a large blond patch, which covers her left eye.

Amelia: Well, well, well, if it isn’t my EX-friends from the cast.

Sylphiel: Miss Amelia, why are you doing this?

Amelia: It’s simple. This is my revenge for what your guest writer did to Mister Zelgadis!

Naga: But I thought you lusted after Kanzal now.

The cast nods in agreement with her.

Amelia: I have my dear Kanzal back, and I want Zelgadis and Xellos as well!

The Queen of Swords steps forward and bars the way with her body.

QoS: Xellos is MINE and nobody elses.

Sylphiel: Don’t forget that right now he’s Zelgadis’.

The Queen of Swords falls over. Zelgadis and Xellos are still locked in a passionate kiss, and the computer has sprouted arms and legs and is now walking towards the speed boat.

Alex: Were you the one who locked me out of the character profile system?

Amelia (laughs diabolically): Yes, I was. Isn’t it such a wonderful thing. I have made all of you ill from watching Xellos and Zelgadis lust after one another that you’re too weak and hungry to fight me!

Lina bursts free from her bonds, tears the duct tape from her mouth, and leaps onto Gourrigan’s shoulders.

Lina: I’ll teach you to make me so sick that I skip a meal! Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows. Buried in the flow of time. In thy great name let those who stand before me be destroyed by the power you and I possess! Dragon.... SLAVE!!

There is an explosion that centers around the water craft. When the smoke clears the boat is sitting in the middle of a blast crater, which is quickly filling with water, and there isn’t a scratch on it. There is the hum of a field generator audible to the cast.

Andrew (mumbling): No fair in using a force field to survive the blast.

Amelia: Well, it looks like there has been an addition to the crew, and he’s cute.

She leaps down from her perch and lands next to Andrew. Filia goes to bash her over the head with her mace, but she’s caught in the stomach by a fireball and sent into Zangalus and Martina, who are slowly moving towards the group, worn out from chasing Zelgadis and Xellos. A breeze blows back the blond patch of Amelia’s hair to reveal a large scab covering her left eye. Andrew backpeddles away from her as fast as he can, transforming in the process.

Andrew: Get away from me you ugly hag!

Amelia: Ugly..... hag?! I shall make you pay! Mal, light up their lives!

From the speed boat comes a plaintive, Yes M’am!

Before a large beam cannon rises from the back of the boat. The cast gasp in shock from the sheer size of the cannon, and Alex’s readings prove that it’s a force to be reckoned with.

Lina: So, what’s out plan of action?

Alex: I have absolutely NO idea what to do. I didn’t plan for Amelia to turn out like this.

Naga: Well, we have to make sure these two- (Points at Zelgadis and Xellos)-don’t make love in the middle of this crisis.

QoS: When it’s not written in the script then it’s time to IMPROVISE!!

The Queen of Swords reaches into Alex’s sub space pocket and draws forth his glowing no-dachi. She holds it before her body, dark energy consuming the blade of light.

Lina and Alex: What do you think you’re doing?! That spell is off limits!!

QoS: Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Sylphiel: But isn’t using the Giga Slave going a little overboard?

The Queen of Swords gives Sylphiel a dirty look before snorting at her.

QoS: If it’ll save the island then it’s our only hope.

Explosions rock the island as a beam from the beam cannon cuts through the land and creates a new river. The beam strikes a mountain and erases it from the face of the map.

Amelia: Bring me Zelgadis and Xellos and I will cease attacking you!

Cast: Get serious! Look at what you’re wearing! We won’t take any orders from you you fashion reject!

Amelia (blows steam from her nostrils): MAL! Boot up the Giga Grazer cannon. We’re gonna erase this island like it was a mistake!

From the back of the speed boat comes an even larger beam cannon than the first one, which connects to the first one. Located at the central firing point is a blade of light.

Lina: She has one of the legendary swords of light in her beam cannon!

Filia: I think now would be a good time to retreat.

Alex: We’re not going to retreat until we stop her and undo what I did to begin with.

From behind the cast comes a clicking sound like somebody was typing. Lina and Alex turn their heads to see Andrew working with Rezo on Alex’s palmtop computer. A minute later Zelgadis and Xellos stop kissing. Zelgadis turns green and runs to wash his mouth out with bleach. Xellos blushes and sighs since the kiss is over.

Alex: How in the world did you manage to do that?!

Andrew: Easy. You had the files on your palmtop, and you also had a code breaking program on there as well that I just upgraded to the latest version. I just booted up the backup files for Xel’s and Zel’s character profiles, unlocked them, and repaired them.

Alex, the Queen of Swords, and Lina fall over. Xellos strips down to his shorts and runs at Amelia, who shouts to Mel to warm up the Giga Grazer Cannon. Zelgadis returns a moment later, dressed in denim shorts, a black t-shirt that says "Wanna see my Rah Tilt" with an arrow point down in red letters, and sports sandles.

Zel: That was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

Rezo: Worse than having that disgusting Amelia after you all of the time.

Zelgadis looks up to see the new and improved Amelia atop her speed boat. By now the sword of light at the center of the Giga Grazer Gun has had sufficient time to collect a massive amount of dark energy.

Amelia: Any last words, or shall I erase you now?

Zelgadis steps forward and bars the way with his body.

Zelgadis: Amelia, stop this insanity. What has gotten into you?!

Amelia: I wanted you, and you just treated me like a kid. Then you started lusting after Xellos and I was jealous. I found my Kanzal, and now I want you and Xellos to be my men as well.

The Queen steps forward and steps before Zelgadis.

QoS: Xellos is mine and Zelgadis can have whoever he wants to have.

Amelia thinks for a minute, then cackles.

Amelia: Mal, fire away!

The Giga Grazer Gun glows golden before it belches forth a beam with the power equivilant to that of the Giga Slave. Alex and Andrew leap into the path of the beam, Alex transforming into Warrior Saturn as he went airborne. The Queen tosses Alex’s sword to him, and Andrew draws his own sword of light. The two swords of light meet with the beam of darkness and an explosion ensues.

Lina: Alex! Andrew!

Sylphiel: "Mister Alex! Mister Andrew!"

QoS: "My guest writer!"

Naga: "My cute guy!"

Lina, Sylphel, and the Queen give Naga a dirty look. When the smoke cleares the dark beam has been halted by a pair of crossed swords of light. Suspended between this world and the next world are Alex and Andrew, their armor starting to smoulder from the sheer amount of energy their bodies are absorbing.

Alex: I don’t think we can take much more of this punishment!

Andrew: It’s been a blast, but unless we release then we’re gonna blow!

Lina: Use the power to enhance a Dragon Slave or something! Blast that little witch out of the water!

Amelia recoils in horror. Kanzal and Mal comfort her and hold her. At the other end of the beam Alex and Andrew siphon power from the beam into their swords and begin incanting the spell.

Andrew: We get one shot at this and then we’re probably gonna be toast.

Alex: So let’s make this count. Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows...

Andrew: Buried in the stream of time. In thy great name I pledge myself to darkness....

Alex and Andrew: Let those who stand before us be destroyed by the powers you and I possess. Dragon SLAVE!!

Twin beams of darkness erupt from the point at the other end of the beam, fighting it back and wrapping around it, crushing it into oblivion and enfolding its power into the spell itself. Amelia, Kanzal, and Mal leap from the boat seconds before the twin Dragon Slave spell strikes it and erases it from the map. A moment later another explosion rocks the island, redefining the landscape again so that the beach increased in size and the rest of the landmass decreased in size. When the smoke clears Alex and Andrew drop to the beach, their transformations reversing. Lina and Zelgadis catch them in mid air, giving them a soft landing. Zangalus, Martina, and Rezo tie up Kanzal, Amelia, and Mal, who the Queen deprograms and deletes from Alex’s computer.

Later that night the cast who defended the island throws a party. Inside a hastily built, yet well constructed prison block sit Amelia and Kanzal. Amelia has since been forced to change into something nicer than her outfit and wash the color out of her hair and the makeup from her face. Kanzal is worried that he beloved is holding a grudge against the rest of the cast and crew, since they spoiled her plans. As she and Kanzal sit there a calculator hops through the bars and onto Amelia’s lap.

Calculator: Hey doctor, how’s the practice going?

Amelia: It stinks Mal. We’re locked up and there’s nothing to do.

Mal: We could bust out and strike terror into their hearts again. I could hack into the character profiles and power them down. We could make one lust for another and create chaos.

Amelia and Kanzal sigh.

Kanzal: I’ve had enough of that kind of fun to last me for a long time. How about you muffin?

Amelia: I just want to live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, on the beach the party is in full swing. Naga is dancing the limbo by herself, and keeps losing since her endowments keep catching on the bar. Lina and Alex are making pigs of themselves on the large supply of food. Andrew is running from Filia, who thought he was looking at her in that way again and has her mace in hand. Zangalus and Martina are curled up together atop one of the huts, looking at the stars and feeding each other some grapes. Zelgadis is sitting with Sylphiel, who has her head resting on the chimera man’s shoulder. Xellos has gone off to taunt Amelia and Kanzal, with the Queen of Swords following him in hopes of getting some nookie. Gourrigan is sitting atop a palm tree, somewhat clueless as to what happened during the day’s events.

Gourrigan: I don’t really understand what happened today. Was it just a dream, or did it really happen? Did Zelgadis and Xellos have a naked chase down the beach, too lustful to think about anything but sex? Did Amelia turn evil and try to blow us up with her Giga Grazer Gun? Did Alex’s computer try to get some from the Queen of Swords?

As he ponders these things, at the bottom of the new bay the Giga Grazer Gun belches forth an energy blast that gives Gourrigan a buzz cut. Gourrigan is so intent on figuring out the day’s events that he doesn’t even notice it, and chalks up the smell of smoke to his tiny brain overloading from everything. The Giga Grazer Gun and the Beam Cannon return to dormancy a moment later, their glow fading into the dark water at the bottom of the bay.

Gourrigan, Lina, Alex, Andrew, and Sylphiel are standing in the studio, the men in tuxes and the women in shimmering strapless dresses. It looks like a sweepstakes type of event of a pledge drive or something of the sort.

Alex: And now, time for my favorite part of the show.

Lina: When Gourrigan finally gives me the sword of light?

Andrew: When I get some?

The rest of the cast moan when he says this.

Sylphiel: When Miss Lina finally gives up on casting the Giga Slave?

Lina sweatdrops.

Alex: No, more blooper clips!

The audience goes wild.

BLOOPERS!!!!!!!!!!

Zelgadis and Xellos are in the middle of their make out scene atop the hut. As Zelgadis moves in to kiss Xellos he suddenly vanishes from view and a loud crash is heard below.

Xellos: Zelgadis, are you ok?

Zelgadis (from inside the hut): Yeah, I’m fine. But somebody forgot to reinforce the roof for when I was supposed to sit on it.

In the next clip the Queen of Swords is working on Alex’s computer. She punches the keys, and the laptop is supposed to beep, "That feels good. You must have been a maseause in your past life." but instead it beeps:

Computer: Hey baby, let’s get jiggy with it!

The computer then grows arms and legs and starts dancing around the yard. The Queen of Swords and Alex fall over out of sheer embarrassment.

Next scene.....

Amelia, dressed in her new outfit, is standing atop the bow of the ship. She shouts to Mal and Kanzal:

Amelia: Fire up the Giga Grazing Gun.

Mal: But doctor, the gun isn’t ready yet.

Amelia: What do you mean?

There is a loud moo and Amelia looks up to see a giant digital cow eating some wires where the gun should be. A large sweatdrop appears on her head.

Amelia: I said ‘Giga Grazing Gun’ instead of ‘Giga Grazer Gun’ didn’t I?

Next scene.....

Xellos and Zelgadis are making out in front of the rest of the cast, which in turn makes them ill. As the cast members move away from the pair the dragonchu flits down and alights atop Zelgadis’ head, staring at Xellos’ face. Xellos looks up and stares at the dragonchu, which continues to stare him in the eyes.

Xellos (mumbled): Don’t look up Zel, but my dragonchu is on your head.

Zelgadis (mumbled): I know. Can’t you get rid of it?

Xellos (mumbled): Nope. When this thing starts to stare at me I can’t stop staring at it.

Alarge sweatdrop forms on Zelgadis’ head and tips the dragonchu so that it falls off onto the ground.

At the studio.....

Sylphiel: Finally, no clips that involve me flubbing my spells.

Alex: That is strange. I thought we found a clip of you messing up a higher level spell?

Zelgadis runs onto the stage and hands a tape to Andrew, who in turn passes it to Alex, who pops it into the VCR behind him.

Sylphiel's spell blooper....

Sylphiel: Let the fools who stand before me be destroyed by the power you and I possess. Dragon SLAVE!!!

Sylphiel fires off the spell, but instead of a beam of dark energy a black dragon appears and transforms into a man dressed in black leather chaps, black leather pants, black leather boots, a black leather vest, a black leather hat, and black leather bracelets and a black leather collar with silver studs. He prostrates himself upon the ground before Sylphiel, his shaggy black hair falling about his face.

Dragon: You summoned my, my queen?

Sylphiel turns an embarrassed shade of red and falls over.

Back in the studio everyone except Sylphiel are laughing their asses off. Sylphiel blows steam from her nostrils and blows everyone up with a Dare Brando.

Alex: For the cast of Gourrigan’s Island this is Alex West, guest writer extrodinare signing off.

The cast falls over a moment later in an extra crispy pile.