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Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle! |
The Wrath of Camille
by Wild
Ride
Wild Ride and Weirdo are both about 2 miles from Gourrigans, underwater, in their ‘mechs. Unfortunately for the Slayers Cast, Camille is not. Or is it fortunate she isn’t in a ‘mech? Hell, I dunno. Let’s get on with the plot.
Wild: THIS DOESN’T HAVE A PLOT, DAMMIT!
Oh, that’s right. Sorry. Shall we?
Wild: YES!
Weirdo: Who were you talking to?
Wild: The action/narrator/whatever. It’s the thingy that says what we do. Watch.
Wild shoots Weirdo’s ‘mech with a Laser
Weirdo: Oh. Don’t shoot me. Ever. Again.
Wild: Whatever.
Camille: ROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!
****
Gourrigan’s Isle
Camille: ROOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!
Martina: What are we going to do with THAT?! She points at a very large, towering monstrosity lumbering toward them.
Rezo: I don’t see anything we…
*THWACK*
*SPLAT*
Camille roars again and lumbers away, in search of Lina, leaving behind a flat Rezo
Martina: That looked painful.
Rezo: Murrple.
****
Back in the Ocean
Weirdo: You seen Blizz?
Wild: Yeah. He’s swimming right above us.
Weirdo: Cool. Wanna do something mean?
Wild: Yeah.
They both hit their Jump Jets, and rocket out of the water a mere two meters in front of Blizzard, who promptly wets himself. (You can tell cuz the chemicals in the water make it turn purple when that happens)
Blizzard: *(@#&%*($@()%&@#*(%Y$&#^(&@*#&*$(@)#%&&*#(%&@*#(!
Wild and Weirdo head back to Gourrigan’s to stir up some trouble, towing blizzard behind them
****
Gourrigans
Lina: FIRE-BALL!
The fireball has no effect on Camille. She simply gets even more pissed off then Lina when someone makes a flat joke. More pissed off than Naga when someone calls her a whore. More pissed off then Xellos when someone calls him Muzuko garba…
Wild: Ah, narrator dude, we get the point.
Right. Sorry.
Lina: That was just freaky.
Wild: Yes. I’m going back to my ‘mech. See ya.
Xellos: Thank god. Let’s get back to the plot.
THIS DOESN’T HAVE A PLOT, DAMMIT!
Xellos: Oops. My bad.
Thank you
Zelgadis: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder…
Camille: RRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRR! stomp stomp stomp
****
On the Falcon’s Bane, Wild’s DropShip
Crewman One: I vote we get the hell out of here.
Crewman Two: Me Two.
Crewman Three: Me Three.
Crewman Four: Me Four.
Shut up.
Crewman Four: Who said that?
Crewman One: I dunno.
Crewman Two: I dunno Four.
Crewman Three: Either way, let’s scram. Pitch Kaervek out too. And give the poor bastard a ‘mech.
Den Jaeger: Only if we pitch Ramrod out too.
The Crewmen pitch all three out.
Den: HEY!
What?
Den: Why’d they pitch me out…and…who…said…that…?
I dunno. And me.
Den: Who’s me?
Forget it.
Den: This is really weird.
No shit.
****
On the beach
Wild and Weirdo step onto the beach in their ‘mechs. A drowned-looking Blizzard is being towed behind them. Camille can be seen eating a rock on the other side of the island.
Wild: Hey look, Cam’s eating a rock on the other side of the island.
I just said that.
Wild: Bite me.
Weirdo: Your training is coming well, young Wild-walker. You have much to learn, but you’re becoming more and more insane.
Wild: Thank you, master Weirdo.
Blizzard: I wanna leave. Or at least gimme a ‘mech.
Wild: shrugs and opens a ComChannel. Crew, prepare Blizzard’s ‘mech.
Static
Wild: HELLO?!
Hello?
Wild: NOT YOU. THE SHIP!
Oh, Sorry. Static.
Wild: Thank you.
Blizzard: While I was being dragged, I saw the ship leave.
Weirdo: We’re stuck here?
Wild: Seems like it.
Weirdo: Do we have funky fruit? Girls? ‘Mechs?
Blizzard: Damn straight. He shows them his satchel full of Funky Fruit
Weirdo: Then what’s the problem?
Wild: That.
Camille stomps onto the beach
Camille: RROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR
Wild shoots her with his twin Gauss Rifles. (think hurling water-melon sized pieces of nickel-iron through the air at Mach 7)
Camille: OOOF! pause That was mean. I don’t like it when you treat me that way, or shoot me with stuff.
Facefault
Wild: Camille, you’re supposed to be playing the evil-super villain. Now, if you would, PLAY IT!
Camille: I don’t wanna.
Wild shrugs (he’s standing on the shoulder of his ‘mech now, talking to Camille)
Wild, typing on Palm-Top: We can fix that. types
Lina: Camille, you’re a bitch.
Lina: Shit.
Zelgadis: Why did she just say that?
Weirdo and Wild: Stupid question.
Xellos: It’s a secret.
*SQUISH*
Camille: ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR
Wild: Much better.
Camille stomps around the island for a while, chasing Lina, eating things, people, crossdressers named Oni, er, um, oops…
Wild: That was not cool, action/narrator dude.
I’m going to die for that, aren’t I?
Wild: Most likely.
****
Other Side of the Island
Kaervek: These look like Camille tracks to me. I will shoot her with my McKenna class WarShip.
Den: Kaervek, currently you don’t HAVE a McKenna.
Kaervek: Good point.
****
Back on the beach
Camille has stomped off, chasing after Lina. Xellos and Zel have remained. Blizzard found a ‘mech where the DropShip was sitting and is in it. Wild’s on the shoulder of his ‘mech. Weirdo is thinking.
Wild: Hey narrator dude….I’m the weird one here. Don’t try it. Weirdo can’t be thinking.
Right. Weirdo is thwacking trees with a dead trout.
Wild: Anh, close enough.
Blizzard: This island would be cool without Camille. I mean, look at it. Food, Funky Fruit, ‘Mechs, and hot Anime chicks that haven’t seen a REAL man for years.
Xellos and Zel: HEY!
Weirdo still thwacking: You’re stone, Zel. That’s not a real man. *THWACK* Xellos, you’re just a moron. *THWACK*
Wild: Whatever. Let’s figure out how to get Camille off the island.
They all sit down to think
NOT!
Wild: Jerk.
Blizzard: I have a plan. It’s rather frightening.
Xellos, looking from Wild to Weirdo to Blizzard: How bad can it be?
Weirdo: Stupid question.
Zelgadis: It’s a secret.
*SQUISH*
Blizzard steps on him with his ‘mech
Wild: Anyway, what’s your plan?
Blizzard: Wobbies.
Sweatdrop. Parts of the island flood from this sweatdrop.
Weirdo and Wild together: COOOL!
****
Thus ends this part of the “Wild Horror Anime Show.”
Tune in next week as we find out some of the most startling things of all!
What’s a Wobbie?! Is Oni REALLY a cross-dresser?! Did the island flood?!
Will Wild get laid again?! (I hope) Will Camille be vanquished?!
Disclaimer: This fic in no way refers to the Camille from Solaris. If you choose to think so, that's your business. I actually know several Camilles, most of which I don't like. So :-P