Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!

Somewhere in high orbit above the Earth...

Wild Ride: OK, hit it! Let's get this Funky Fruit off to Solaris!

Blizzard: Great. That's ALL we need. Skyhigh on Funky Fruit.

Wild: He's funny drunk, too.

Pilot: Um…problems…

Wild: What?

Pilot: Um….we're gonna crash. Into the Pacific.

Navigator: Not cool.

Wild: Just land on Gourrigan's Island.

Action stops.

Ships Crew: ARE YOU NUTS?!

Weirdo: Yes.

On Gourrigans Island...

Gourrigan: Wow! Look at that streak!

WHAP!

Lina: Pervert.

Gourry: Huh?

Lina points to Amelia running across the beach naked.

Zelgadis: I don't want to know.

Gourry: No! Shooting stars!

He points up at a falling very bright streak of light.

Rezo: Is it going to hit us?

Xellos: It isn't gonna hit us.

Lina: How do you know?

Xellos: It's a se….

FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

On the dropship...

Sensor Guy: Fighter patrol reports landing pad clear, sir.

Wild: Good. Sit 'er down.

Sensor Guy: Whoa..would you look at the boobs on that chick. (Stares at screen)

Wild sighs.

Back on Gourrigans...

The DropShip touches down, raising up a cloud of dust, ash, and, you guessed it, Funky Fruit guts.

Wild steps out.

Wild: Dammit, we're here again.

Lina: Dammit, they're here again.

Weirdo: I'm not even gonna start.

Wild: Hey Zel, you look pretty stoned today.

Facefault. Everyone stares at Wild blankly. Crickets chirp.

Lina: That….was….bad….

Wild (shruggin): Try this again. Hey Zel, new hair?

Another Facefault. Everyone stares at Wild. They all groan, including the crickets.

Rezo: I don't see wh….

WHAP!

Wild: You opened yourself up for that one.

Rezo: Did not. The Guest writer made me say it. It's in the script.

Lina: Who is the guest writer anyway?

Wild: That would be me.

Yet another Facefault. (great things, aren't they?)

Gourry: This can't be good.

Xellos: This is REALLY not good.

Lina: Why isn't it good for you, Muzuko garbage?

Xellos: That's a secret.

Oni: This is getting old really quick, ya know. If you're gonna write for me, at least can the queer jokes.

Wild: Sorry. Shall we get on with the plot?

Lina: This has a plot?

Wild: Not really. I'm just stalling.

Oni: God help us.

Naga: OH HO HO HO! A Guest writer with no ideas! (She reaches for wild's palm-top.)

Wild: That's a good laugh for you. (Pulls palmtop away.) HOE.

Weirdo: That was not a good idea.

Wild (shrugs): Can't be worse then dealing with that flat chick over there when she's PMSing.

Lina: FIREBALL!

After the smoke clears, a slightly charred Wild Ride stands up and looks at Lina, and coughs with blue smoke.

Wild (cough): Do you like your Clan MechWarrior Original or Extra Tasty crispy?

Naga: Extra Crispy. DRAGON SLAVE!

The smoke clears again. Wild stands in the middle of a large crater, done Extra Crispy. He looks at Lina and Naga in turn.

Wild: Just for that, I should shack you two up with Xellos.

Xellos: I'd rather be with Weirdo.

Twitch.

Wild: There was a thought I REALLY didn't need.

Xellos: Want a worse one? Martina took Rezo's robe and some of Zelgadis' hair this morning. She and Zangulus haven't been seen since.

Wild: Right. That one's worse. If you'll excuse me, I must go puke.

Pretty much everyone except Xellos runs off into the forest. Sounds of retching can be heard for miles around.

Xellos burps

Later...

Xellos: I know how to get rid of this guy.

Lina: How?

Zel: Stupid question.

Xellos: Just seal them in that ship and give it a "Fix" spell.

All Slayers: …………..

Lina: He…just….told…

Xellos: Why did I do that?

Wild Ride steps into the clearing.

Wild (typing on palmtop): Because I made you. [Fio's Note: Isn't it called a palm pilot?]

Xellos: How?

Wild: Stupid question.

Xellos: ?

Wild: It's a secret.

WHAP!

Queen of Swords: Hey! You can't go around changing characters like that!

Wild: Why? I'm the writer. (Types a little more.)

QoS: You just can't. Gimme that.

Wild: No. I can do practically anything I want. Watch. (Types.)

Xellos: I made hot love to the Queen last night. (Pause.) Eep!

QoS: ……

Slayers: ……..

Oni: …….

Wild: See, Queenie?

Lina: That's just not right. FIRE-B…b….b….I CAN'T SAY IT!

Wild: Damn straight. (More typing.)

QoS: You can't control me. And don't call me Queenie.

Wild: True.

QoS: FIRE-BALL!

The fireball slams into Wild, and for the third time in a day, he stands in the center of a crater, quite charred.

Wild: Thank god for the (Cough) titanium cover on this palm top.

The Queen of Swords grumbles.

Wild: Can we get on with the plot now?

Lina: I thought you said this doesn't have a plot.

Wild: It doesn't really. (Eats a bite of Funky Fruit.)

Lina: GET THAT FRUIT AWAY FROM HIM!

Xellos: Why?

Wild (munching): Stupid Question.

Lina: It's a secret.

WHAP!

Lina: Ow.

Wild shrugs, and hands some Funky Fruit to everyone, including the Queen.

Later yet...

Lina: FIRE-BALL!

Wild gets roasted yet again.

Wild: I don't think I deserved that.

Blizzard: Yeah, but it was funny.

Wild (shrugs): Time to get medeival.

He pulls out a radio.

Wild: Crew, prepare to release Camille from the holds. And make sure she sees Lina first.

Blizzard: That's a little harsh, don't you think?

Wild: Yeah. But it'll be funny.

Lina: What?

Blizzard and Weirdo: Run.

Lina: What's a Camille?

Wild: Exactly.

Blizzard: That's harsh, dude.

Wild: To Camille or Lina?

Blizzard: It's not a good combination. Maybe if it was televised, and I was on another continent, I'd enjoy it.

Wild: So who's it harsh to?

Blizzard: The people reading it.

Wild: Good point. If I were you, I'd be in your 'mech.

Weirdo: Exactly.

Blizzard: I'm going to try to swim away.

Wild and Weirdo get in their 'mechs. Blizzard dives in the ocean and heads for Japan.

Wild: What's he gonna do in Japan?

All: Dunno.

A roar comes from across the island.

Wild: If you'll excuse me, I must leave. Lina, good luck.

Weirdo: Right.

Weirdo and Wild both dive in the Ocean (yes, in their mechs) and start heading for Japan.

Lina: What's he gonna do in Japan?

All: Dunno.