|
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle! |
Rave
Party!
by Fionavar
Well, it's another wild party on Gourrigan's Island.
Fio: I seem to recall some time back someone, Lina maybe, asking why Guestwriters never start their scripts like that.
As we were saying, it's another wild party on Gourrigan's Island. About one hour ago, a message was sent via e-mail and sattilites to the Hubble Space Telescope, and bounced off the moon to send it careening into outer space, where it was intercepted by none other than Dathon's Starcraft Starcraft. Dathon, in turn, sent another message, this one to Bluefox in his brand new Queen Elizabeth 2 1/2 Mini Mart. Another message is sent, careening back into space towards the BoozeRunner...
Fio: Get on with it already! I need something to work with, and if you keep it up with this intro, all I'll have is passed out castaways!
...which in turn picked everyone up and brought them to Gourrigan's Island.
Fio: That's how I like it. Short and sweet. Pass me that bottle of Kahlua, would you, Nathan?
Nathan, who is just Nathan in this fic and not the Man In The Black Hat, obliges and passes the bottle.
Nathan: Here you are, Fionavar.
Fio takes the bottle and fills her coconut-cup-full-of-ice-cubes to the rim with the liquid. She then passes it back to Nathan, who shoves it back into a cooler full of crushed ice.
Nathan: That's a little tame for you, isn't it Fio? I thought you'd be hitting the fermented funky fruit juice by now.
The Authoress jerks a thumb over her shoulder at Deedlit, who is chatting with Sylphiel, Filia, Mahoshi, Lita, Raye, Meena, and Asuka about the values of the feminist movement.
Fio: I think we all know what I do when I'm completely smashed, and it's never wise to insult one's guests. Especially when one's guest happens to be an outraged feminist elf.
Nathan considers that, then nods and sits back in his chair. Fio closes her eerily Xellos-like eyes and and listens to the groovin' tunes. (Maria Maria, by Santana).
Meanwhile, Shinji and Rezo are judging a drinking contest between Rei Ayanami, Ryoko, Naga, and Misato. The girls slam back drinks as Xellos and Rezo count.
Shinji & Rezo: Seven tequila...eight tequila...
Misato falls over.
Shinji & Rezo: Nine tequila...ten tequila...
Over by the guys hut, Zangulus is talking with the other sword slingers. Gourrigan, his usual genius self, suggests a test of arms.
Parn: Sounds good.
Tenchi: Count me in.
Zelgadis: I'm not having anything to do with this.
Zangulus: Fight me Gourrigan!
Gourrigan: Fighting you is like fighting a little girl with no sword and her arms tied behind her back. It is not fun anymore!
Zangulus: Ha! You're just saying that because you don't want me to kick your butt in front of these guys. I am the greatest swordsman in the entire world and you know it.
Tenchi: Dream on, hat boy! I'm the greatest swordsman in the entire universe.
Zangulus: Proove it!
Tenchi pulls out his little Jurai power thingie and Zangulus pulls out the Demonic Howling sword. They both start bashing on each other.
Gourrigan: I am NOT fighting the winner.
Parn: I'll fight the winner!
Zelgadis: I am still not having anything to do with this.
Across the way, Martina and Ayeka look at each other.
Martina: Men. No brains, no class.
Ayeka: They're the same throughout the entire universe.
Martina: Sad, isn't it?
Ayeka: Very. Funky fruit daquiri?
Martina: Don't mind if I do.
Deedlit's little rally has managed to get out of control. The whole lot of them are on the verge of tearing off their shirts and burning their bras when Oni Skyrunner and Phibrizio, decked out for the occasion in Matrix-style trenchcoat and boots, stroll by, seemingly oblivious to the crowd of feminists.
Meena: Who is that?
Sylphiel: Oh, that's Oni. He's running the show now that the Queen's retired.
Filia: She is not retired! Oni's just running the Guestwriters now. The Queen was getting too many headaches trying to deal with them. Now Oni gets the headaches.
Raye: Oni is hot.
Asuka: That's the kind of guy who makes you go whoa.
Lita: He looks just like my old boyfriend Freddy. That hair, those eyes, that sexy trenchcoat. Except he's a whole lot nicer than Freddy, because Freddy dumped me.
Mahoshi: I wonder if he likes coffee?
Deedlit: Girls, what about female liberation and throwing off the chains of the chauvanist pigs?
Raye: Some other time, Deed. I just saw something damn fine.
Sylphiel: He's almost as good looking as Gourrigan dear.
The other girls look at Sylphiel for a second, than run for the trees, gagging.
Xellos: Hmmm...that seems to be a popular catch phrase for Miss al'Dara...I wonder why?
Fio: Quiet you, or I'll start using your trademark. Or worse, I'll make it so you can't use it.
Xellos: I'll be good.
Back at the drinking contest, Ryoko and Naga are locked in a deadly game of tequila cat and mouse. Rei dropped out about twenty tequilas ago but Ryoko and Naga are still going strong. Both are more than a little hammered though...
Shinji and Rezo: forty-one tequila...forty-two tequila...
Michael the Red Priest and Shizuka are walking around dressed like bookies (Michael dressed like a RED bookie) taking bets on everything: who'll be sleeping with who at the end of the night, which of Deedlit's former feminists will glomp onto Oni first, who'll win the drinking contest, who'll win the little swordsman duel (Gourrigan and Parn are now fighting) and whose breasts are smaller: Lina's or Fionavar's.
Fio: Why you little...
Correction. Make that Lina's or Amy's.
Fio: That's better.
Featherfall and Valgarv are on the beach doing a tango to Eagle Eye Cherry's "Save Tonight". Amelia and Phibrizio are doing a cute little waltz. Silverfox is surrounded by shirtless bishounen, all gazing adoringly at her. Bluefox and Weirdo are making a fortune, while Anjin keeps trying to blow up all the mechas parked down on the beach. (So far, he's been unsuccesfull.)
Fio: What a great idea this was. I'm so glad someone suggested it.
Sylphiel, abandoned by Deedlit and the rest, goes over to the stereo and pushes the Evangelion Tech Guy who was running it down on his butt in the sand. She picks up a microphone.
Sylphiel: Excuse me, can I have your attention please?
Everyone more or less stops what they are doing and looks up at Sylphiel. Strains of fifty-one tequilla, fifty-two tequilla, etc. can be heard from the village, as well as the clash-clash-bang of swords.
Sylphiel: I'd like to announce our special guests for this evening. Can we put our hands together in a big drunken Gourrigan's Island welcome for...the Venga Boys!
Everyone claps and cheers as the Venga Boys, Robin, Kim, Denice, and Roy come running out. The guys look a homosexual sailor and cowboy while the girls look like big breasted prostitutes.
Robin: Are we having fun?
There is wild cheering.
Robin: I can't hear you!
More wild cheering.
Robin: Let's dance!
The Venga Boys start to sing that horrible iritainment song "We Like To Party" and are shortly booed off the stage while everyone throws Funky Fruit peels at them.
Denice: We'd better still get paid, you pain-in-the-ass elf!
Fio, holds up Zelgadis' sword: Sit on this and rotate!
Roy: That's a pretty big sword, Robin.
Robin: I've seen bigger. That's just a little...
Fio: Get the hell of my island, you freaks!
Oni: My island, Fio.
Fio whirls around and sees Oni. Her jaw drops open.
Fio: Holy shit! Where did you get those clothes? That coat...those boots!
Oni: Oh, I borrowed them from a good friend of mine.
Fio: You didn't have to kill anybody? Damn, I'd kill for those boots.
Oni: They're actually not all that comfortable.
Oni puts his fingers up in the skater "horns" as he walks off.
Oni: There is no spoon.
Fio shakes her head.
Fio: Men. No brains, no class.
Martina: Sad, isn't it?
Fio: Very.
Martina: Funky fruit daquiri?
Fio: Don't mind if I do.
Of course, as soon as the Authoress sits down to relax, absolute chaos breaks out. Lina has discovered the bet about her and Ami's breasts and is going thoroughly bat shit. And, also of course, the perpretators of the outrage, Michael and Shizuka, are nowhere to be found.
Lina: Grrr! When I get my hands on that Priest and Demi-God, they're going to wish they were dead!
Amelia: You mean you aren't going to kill them?
Lina: Death is too kind. They are going to rue the day they ever crossed Lina Inverse!
Xellos: And her tiny breasts.
Lina: Fireball!
Fotunately, Xellos escapes unharmed, as usual. Unfortunately, the Venga Boys were caught in the blast.
Fio: Unfortunately!?
Xellos: Yeah, right.
Touji: They sucked and they still expected you to pay them that two dollars and fifteen cents for their performance.
Fio: Now, they're toast, so the world won't ever hear any more of that crappy wannabe-Spice-Girls-band's music, and I get to keep my two dollars and fifteen cents for something useful. Like investing in the "Kill Bill Gates Fund".
Touji: You want to kill Bill Gates too? Wicked.
Fio: Can we use one of the EVAs? There's no way Bill could get away from one of them!
Touji: I'll have to look into that...
Meanwhile, Michael and Shizuka are hiding out in Rezo's makeshift labratory: a hollowed out volcano secret island base somewhere in the pacific, made in the shape of Rezo's giant head...
Fio: That's Austin Powers, idiot.
Scratch all the above. They are NOT hiding in a volcano. The labratory is hidden deep within the jungle, beneath a plam tree carved in the shape of Rezo's giant head.
Fio: Enough with the frickin' head already!
There is no head.
Shizuka: Michael, sooner or later that flat chested little witch is going to find us.
Michael: I hope it's later rather than sooner...
Find out all this and more on the next episode of Gourrigan's Island. Rave Party Part Two: Don't forget to eat your Pokemon!
Who are all these characters!? Are you confused? Check out this list.
Iritainment: something that is so utterly annoying that you can't stand it, yet you can't stop paying attention to it. ex: the O.J. Simpson trials, Monica Lewinsky, Ally McBeal, etc...