Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!

Somewhere on Gourrigans Isle...

Hoowee the Dark Elf is sitting on one of Sailor Bob's comfy green chairs and staring at one of the many monitors that she generally uses for spying on the islands inhabitants (and now and then to watch Escaflowne,) in confusion.

Hoowee (shouts in disbelief): My god... the whole damn island's gone mad!

She watches as every single guest write that has ever been turns up and gets fried by Lina.

Hoowee: Wait a minute...did they say they're going to do that to every...

Hoowee's sentence was cut short as she suddenly disappeared.

Sailor Bob: Yoohoo! Hoowee! Where are you?

Sailor Bob pokes her head around the corner of the marvellously hidden cave that the two call HQ.

Sailor Bob (muttering): Hmm. Wonder where she's gone? I could of sworn I hear her shout something.

The magical girl flumps down onto the comfy green chair and bob sight teleports herself a packet of banana chips. Suddenly out of the corner of her eye Bob spots Hoowee on the view monitor.

Sailor Bob (choking on a mouthful of chips): Oh crap...

Disappearing from the screen, a rather charcoaled Hoowee appears above Bob and then fell on to her minion-for-the- duration-of-the-fic's lap.

Sailor Bob (screeches): Arg, get off me you pervert!

Bob whacka her commander-for-the-duration-of-the-fic off of her lap and onto the floor with one almighty shove.

Hoowee: Mmmphh argto BOOM!!

Sailor Bob: Huh? What?

Bob crouches down next to her superior-for-the-duration-of-the-fic. Hoowee turns her face slightly so that her voice won't be muffled by the lovely orange carpet that lies on the cave's floor.

Hoowee repeated: I said... 'It is time for revenge.'... and I'm not a pervert.

Standing up, the Dark Elf dusts herself off then grins evilly.

Hoowee: And you know what's even better? There's a new guy in charge of the island so the QOS's law is no longer absolute... KU KU KU KU!!

Sailor Bob's face lights up as the possibilities occurr to her.

Sailor Bob: Alright!!

Bob punches the air with her fist then quickly exchanges her bob sight teleported banana chips for her trusty turnip bazooka.

Sailor Bob: When do we begin, mein fuhrer-for-the-duration-of-the-fic?

Hoowee: Oh I believe now would be adequate.

Hoowee reaches out for her mini-floating laptop.

* * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, down at the beach...

Xellos: I'm bored.

Rezo: I believe we've been through this before.

Xellos: I'm bored.

Rezo (sigh):One.

Xellos: I'm bored.

Rezo: Two.

Xellos: I'm borMMMPHH!!!

The red priest frowns at the strange sound coming from the beach-chair-dwelling trickster priest beside him, and reaches down for his new X-ray glasses so he can see what's going on. Next to him stands Amelia holding a struggling Xellos, her hand firmly clamped over his mouth.

Rezo: Amelia, just what are you doing?

Amelia: I am stopping him from calling down an evil worse then himself upon every living thing on this island.

Rezo: And that would be... ?

Amelia (shudders):Guest writers.

Xellos: MMMPHH ARGTO BOOM!!

Amelia removes her hand from the trickster priest's mouth and wipes it off on her spare hanky, her face screwed up in disgust.

Xellos (evil glint in eyes): Never do that again Amelia.

Amelia: But Mr Xellos, saying the 'b' word is the quickest way to getting a guest writer.

Rezo: I hate to say it, but she's right, and the one's we've been getting lately have been more weird then normal.

Suddenly a voice speaks from behind the three members of Slayers.

Hoowee: My weirdness is nothing compared to that of the rubbish bin from hell, but I shall try. Look, I'm even doing this fic in script style, something that I've never done before. ^.^ v

All three jump a foot in the air and then spin around to face the owner of the suddenly appearing voice. Unfortunately during the turn round Xellos accidentally overturns his beach chair which puts too much strain on one of the springs causing it to... well...spring from the chair and knock Rezo's X-ray glasses from his face. Flying through the air, the glasses finally land with a splash in the sea and with a high pitched 'Yippee!!' start paddling desperately for Japan.

Xellos takes no notice of the fuming Rezo.

Xellos: And just who are you?

Hoowee scratches her head. They don't recognize her? Oh yeah, that's right. She'd put on her groucho marx glasses as a disguise. Ooh, this could be fun.

Hoowee: I am Weehoo the Light Elf and I am here because you said the 'b' word one to many times!

Amelia: Oh no! Mr Xellos what have you done!!

Xellos: It's a secret.

Rezo is still peeved that his X-ray glasses are gone.

Rezo: No it's not. You said 'I'm bored' to much and now we're stuck with another guest fic writer. Xellos you git!

Rezo whacks Xellos upside the head for his gittishness and remarkably, even though he can't see, still manages to hit him.

A large sweatdrop appears on Hoowee's face clouding out her features.

Hoowee: Riii-ght... well I'm off to talk to Oni about my plans for this fic... ooroo!

This said, Hoowee disappears in a cloud of yellow and blue bubbles. Xellos and Rezo start one of their rare arguments about who's a git while Amelia stares at the quickly disappearing bubbles in wonder.

Amelia: Hmm... those bubbles look familiar somehow...

Suddenly from out of no where, four badly dressed characters and a horse appear, landing on top of the two quarrelling priests. The girl sitting atop the horse wearing priests robes looks around in concern while a kappa and a pig spirit start beating up on the last hairy looking guy.

(Note: whenever Pigsy, Sandy, Monkey or Tripitaka speak please imagine them with 'Ah so!' kinds of voices... yes, the dubbing was really that bad.)

Pigsy: Monkey! Look what you have done!

Sandy: Yes! It is all your fault! It is always your fault!

Monkey: No it isn't!

Pigsy: Yes it is!

Monkey: No it isn't!

Tripitaka meanwhile has gotten off his horse and is kneeling to apologize to Rezo and Xellos for landing on them.

Tripitaka: Please forgive me honourable sirs. It was not our intention to land on you. Please accept my humble apology.

Tripitaka bows low to them both.

Rezo and Xellos exchange glances the both stand up, dusting hoof prints off of their clothes.

Rezo: See, this is what happens when you get bored.

Xellos: Well then you should amuse me more often so that I don't get so bored.

Amelia leans over to Tripitaka and helps him to his feet.

Amelia: Don't worry about them, they're both fine. But how are you Miss... ?

Tripitaka (very female voice): Miss? I am a man. I am the Buddhist Priest Tripitaka and I am on a holy pilgrimage with my disciples to India for the Buddha.

Xellos: Your disciples?

Xellos looks around for a group of holy disciples but only finds Pigsy, Sandy and Monkey who are all still quarrelling about who's fault it is.

Pigsy: Yes it is!

Monkey: No it isn't you pig!

Pigsy: Don't call me a pig!

Monkey: Why not pig!? It is what you are. Maybe we should roast you and have pork!

Pigsy: You wouldn't!

Sandy: Yes he would.

Xellos (disbelief): Those are your disciples?

Tripitaka (sighs): Yes. I know they are not the most disciplined but the Buddha teaches us to...

The Buddhist Priest is suddenly interrupted by a whining Pigsy.

Pigsy: Master! Master!! Did you hear that? Monkey's threatening to eat me again.

Monkey: Shut up pig!

Pigsy: Oooh!! Master did you hear that!

Tripitaka: Monkey, stop teasing Pigsy.

Monkey: Who said it was teasing?

Rezo (softly to Xellos): If you ever say you're bored again I'll take that staff of yours and whack you with it.

Xellos watches the group.

Xellos: Somehow I don't think I'll be bored for a while.

Amelia: Good.

All of a sudden... let us take a moment and reflect on what a wonderful word 'sudden' is. Without it nothing would happen suddenly... the three regulars notice that Monkey has fallen to his knees grasping at a circlet of gold around his head and is in quite a lot of pain while Tripitaka is chanting sutras over him.

Monkey: Ah tatatatatatatatatatatatata!!

Tripitaka mumbles sutras.

Rezo: Hmmm?

Xellos' eyes light up.

Xellos: Now this could be worth the boredom.

Quietly, the Trickster Priest creeps up so that he's standing next to Tripitaka and listens hard to what the Buddhist Priest is saying.

Rezo: What?

Rezo faces Xellos (face it, he can't look anymore) and frowns in confusion.

Tripitaka stops muttering the sutras.

Tripitaka: Do you promise to behave now Monkey?

Monkey: Yes Master.

Xellos pops up next to Tripitaka.

Xellos: That's all you have to do to control him? Say those sutras?

Tripitaka: No, you also need the gold circlet for the sutras to work.

Monkey: It gives you such a headache. (Rubs head.)

Xellos (grinning evilly): Well, if that's all you need... (He leans forward and swipes the gold circlet off Monkey's head.) Let's see what this does to Lina! (He runs up the beach back towards the huts.)

Monkey: OI!!

Amelia (shouts after Xellos): Mr Xellos, that was unjust!! You shouldn't steal things!! (She races after Xellos.)

Rezo (smiles in that spooky fashion of his): This could be interesting. (He hares after the other two.)

Sandy (frowns): What a queer group of people.

Monkey: Well I don't mind. No more headaches for me! (Monkey grins broadly.)

Pigsy: You would think that.

Monkey: Shut up pig.

Pigsy: Oh Master! Did you hear that?

Tripitaka sighs. Sometimes, he thinks, it would be nice to be unpriestly and just hit them all.

Sandy: Uh... Master. What's happening?

Tripitaka: What do you mean Sandy?

Sandy: Well, it's just that there are all these bubbles around at the moment.

And with that, the group disappears in a cloud of pastel coloured bubbles.

* * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, in Oni's new office...

Oni: Whoohoo!! I get an office!!! (He starts doing a mad little jig and sings.) I get an office, I get an office...

Viv & Phibrizio: ...

Oni stops his mad caper and looks over at them.

Oni: Hey guys, what's wrong?

By way of answer Viv points her thumb towards two curious looking people wearing groucho marx glasses who have just appeared in a swirl of bubbles and stars atop Oni's new desk.

Hoowee: Their silence is probably my fault. I don't know their characters so I'm relegating them to story-overlookidness during this fic.

Oni: Hmm... that would also explain my non-usual behaviour at getting an office. No wait that IS my usual behavior. Look, I've got a window veiw! It's so cool! And do you see that water cooler? Mine all mine! And I got those lil' steel ball thingies and some paper clips and my own thumbtacks...

Hoowee nods.

Oni: So you would be one of the numerous people wanting to write a Gourrigans Isle fic and have therefore come to ask my permission to...

Hoowee (butts in): I don't need to ask permission. I am Hoo... OWW!! umm...Weehoo the Light Elf!!

Sailor Bob sighs and removes her foot from Hoowee's. The QOS might not be in charge anymore but who knew what she'd do if she found out that a certain Xellos-plushie-kidnapping Dark Elf had returned to the island.

Hoowee: And this, (She points to Sailor Bob who does a little curtsy) is my underling-for-the-duration-of-the-fic Boba Fettina.

Oni (rubs his chin and thinks hard): Weehoo huh.

Hoowee grins. Her distraction is going wonderfully. As long as she can keep Oni's attention from the island, Monkey and the others should be able to carry out her plans. KU KU KU KU!!

Hoowee nods and smiles, trying to keep her thoughts from showing on her face.

Hoowee: Yes. (She starts pacing up and down Oni's new desk.) For my fic I thought I'd do a cross-over featuring the Slayers, obviously, and Monkey Magic, which was actually a live action tv show but was based on the same story as Dragon Ball. Son Goku as Monkey, Bulma as Tripitaka (who was supposed to be a man although he was played by a woman and was dubbed with a woman's voice.), Oolong as Pigsy and Yamcha as Sandy. ...(Hoowee suddenly looks up and takes note of Oni for the first time and her eyes go big and sparkly as she takes in his attire)...trenchcoat...

Sound Effect: GLOMP!!

Oni looks down to see Hoowee firmly glomped onto him.

Oni sweatdrops.

Viv & Phibrizio: ... !

Sailor Bob: Oh crap...

Hoowee: Oh please Oni-sama... let me do my cross-over fic. (Hoowee looks up at Oni with stars in her eyes.) p-l-e-a-s-e...

Sailor Bob, currently known as Boba Fettina, raises an eyebrow. Was this part of the plan? Oni looks about a bit wildly then sweatdrops.

Oni: Why are you glomping onto me for?!

Hoowee (eyes sparkling): I love a demon in a trenchcoat.

The magical girl sighs and sits down on Oni's new desk. This was NOT part of the plan. Why the hell did Hoowee have to have a trenchcoat fetish?

Oni (gulp): Umm... I let anyone do fics and I usually beg them to do so, so your fic isn't a problem... but you're ahhh.. restraining my movement... errr... can you let go?

Hoowee (tighetns her grip): I'll never let you go Oni-sama!

Oni sweatdrops.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, back at the castaway's village... Xellos is having hell loads of fun, running through the huts and throwing Monkey's golden circlet onto whosoever was foolish enough to cross his path, muttering just enough sutras to give them a migraine then stealing the circlet back and disappearing to find someone else to torment. His path of destruction went as follows...

FILIA

Filia: What are you doing you Mazoku trash?

Sound effect: PLONK!

Xellos: mutter mutter.

Filia: AHHHHH!! (She clutches her head in pain.)

Xellos: giggle.

Xellos nicks off before Michael (that story stealing mutter mutter...) turns up.

MARTINA

Martina is smoochie smoochie with the hubby.

Sound effect: PLONK!

Xellos: mutter mutter

Zangulus: Hey Martina... let's whisper whisper whisper

Martina: Not tonight dear, I've got a headache.

Zangulus: Huh?!

Xellos: giggle

NAGA

Naga (practising her laugh): O HO HO HO HO HO!!!

Sound effect: PLONK!

Xellos: mutter mutter

Naga: HO HO HO... ho ho ho... owwwwwww...

The entire island cheers for the beautiful silence which ensues.

ZELGADIS

Zelgadis: Sigh.

Sound effect: PLONK! Topple, fall and splat.

Xellos: Dammit. Zel, it doesn't fit over your stone hair.

Zelgadis: What is it?

Xellos: That's a secret. (He then sees Gourrigan and runs after him.)

GOURRIGAN

Gourrigan: Hi there Xellos! Where'd you find that...

Sound effect: PLONK!!

Xellos: mutter mutter

Gourrigan: Umm... what are you doing?

Xellos: Huh? Oh well, I guess it needs to be on someone with a brain to work.

LINA

Lina: Go away you fruit cake.

Sound effect: PLONK!

Xellos: mutter mutter

Lina: Ow. That HURTS you bastard!! FIREBALL!!

Resting around Lina's head, Monkey's circlet suddenly (Hooray!) begins to glow an odd colour...

Sound effect: *circlet* HMMMMMM...

Lina takes the circlet off of her head and studies it.

Lina: Hey Xellos! Is it supposed to hum and turn a funny colour?

Xellos picks himself up from the ground and belches out a large smoke cloud before taking notice of the circlet.

Xellos: I have no idea. (He suddenly realises that he just missed another perfect chance to say 'it's a secret') ARG!!

By now Amelia and Rezo have caught up to the funky little fruit cake and Amelia is taking the chance to list to Xellos the evils of stealing. Rezo, on the other hand, has taken the circlet from Lina and is trying to examine it while the irate sorceress is trying to grab it back off of him.

Lina: Hey!! Give that back!

Rezo: It seems the combination of the overuse of the sutras, Lina's fireball and the actual gold of the circlet is...

Lina: Gold? Give it back, give it back!! FIREBALL!!

Zelgadis steps around the corner of the girls hut.

Zelgadis: What are you guys...

Sound effect: WHOOOOSH!!!

In one spectacular burst of blue flame, the circlet explodes leaving a giant crater where everyones huts used to be. Oddly enough, the fire has had no effect whatsoever on the islands inhabitants other then leaving them all with a slight headache.

Zelgadis: cough.

Xellos: That was fun.

Lina: No it wasn't you fruity little bastard! Now what the hell happened!?!?

Rezo rubs some debris from the explosion off of his robes.

Rezo: As I was saying before, it seems that Xellos's overuse of the sutras combined with your two fireballs reacted with the spell inside the gold and caused it to explode.

Amelia: Absolutely destroying all of our huts and satellite dish and... and... oh Miss Lina, how COULD you? (She starts crying.) WAAAAHHH!

Lina: So now it's my fault!?

Meanwhile the other occupants of the island have been wandering around the crater trying to see what they could salvage.

Gourrigan (to Sylphiel): Hey what's this? (He holds up some slightly charred pieces of paper.)

Naga steals the papers from Gourrigans hands.

Naga: O HO HO HO HO!!

The entire island cringes.

Naga (reading aloud from the script): 'In one spectacular burst of blue flame, the circlet explodes leaving a giant crater where everyones huts used to be. Oddly enough, the fire has had no effect whatsoever on the islands inhabitants other then leaving them all with a slight headache.'

As Naga reads from the script the events she describes occur yet again.

Lina: Naga! Stop it!! (Charges over and grabs the script from her.) Grrrr... you idiot, are you trying to fry us all?!

Gourrigan: But Lina, that fire didn't actually burn us.

Lina: I knew that! (Quickly scans script.) 'A New Hoowee... Episode Four - By Hoowee the Dark Elf... ' That idiot's back?

Gourrigan: Episode Four? What happened to episode's two and three?

Rezo: It would seem that this time she has accomplished her objective.

Amelia: How do you know that?

Rezo points to a sentence on the script

Lina (also reading aloud): After forcing the slayers cast to go through the exploding circlet thingie twice Hoowee rejoices in her revenge for the frying Lina gave her at the guest writer roast and appears above the cast to laugh maniacally at them as any good villain should. [Fio's Note: Guestwriter roast? Why was I not informed!?]

Everybody scratches their heads.

Zelgadis: That's it, she's flipped.

Hoowee suddenly appears above them with Oni in her arms and removes her groucho marx glasses.

Hoowee: KU KU KU KU KU!! Take that, silly beings!! I am Wee... ahem... Hoowee the Dark Elf and I have had my revenge!! KU KU KU KU KU!!

Oni is still being heavily glomped by Hoowee.

Oni: help... can't... breath... help...

Amelia: Oh no!! Poor Mr Oni!

Viv & Phibrizio appear on the ground next to Sailor Bob in her usual swirl of bubbles and stars.

Sailor Bob removes her groucho marx glasses and aims her turnip bazooka at the stunned cast.

Sailor Bob: And I am Sailor Bob, from the lost planet of Bob, and by the power of Bob I shall punish you! (She fires off a round of turnips.)

Lina (dodging the turnips): Why you... FIREBALL!!

Sailor Bob drops her turnip bazooka and teleports Hoowee out of harms way, leaving Oni up in the air to get fireballed.

Oni: Shimmata! (means damn it) (He gets hit by the fireball) Watashiiii!! (means "meeeeeee")

Hoowee (restrained by Sailor Bob): Oh my poor Oni-sama!

Sailor Bob: You can come back for him later Hoowee, our revenge here is done.

Hoowee stops struggling with Bob and sighs.

Hoowee: I guess you're right. (She blows Oni a kiss.) Look after that trenchcoat Oni-sama!!

Oni sweatdrops.

And with that they both disappeared in a cloud of bubbles and stars back to their conveniently hidden HQ somewhere on... Gourrigan's Isle!

Epilogue....

Xellos (clapping Oni on the back): So Oni, seems like you've got yourself a girlfriend.

Oni (shudders): No way. She's cute, but she's a manic. (He rubs his throat and smiles a bit.) Well being a maniac isn't a BAD thing...

Somewhere in the background there is a curious flushing sound...

Diagonal Crotch Girl: Oni, Oni! Xelloth fluthed himthelf down the toilet again!

The hyperactive four year old screeched running in circles around a confused Xellos waving her pilfered Xellos plushie.

Xellos: I did what?

Lina: We're doomed.

* * * * * * * * * * *

A Small Note From Hoowee... -Ha ha!! Cliff-hangers are such great fun! What is Diagonal Crotch girl doing on the island? Where's everybody going to sleep now that they have no huts? Just what did happen to episodes two and three? Is Hoowee's love enough to make Oni give up his trenchcoat? All shall be revealed in... 'The Hoowee Strikes Back' (if it ever gets written. *sigh*) Ooroo.-