Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!

The island: a dark and secluded cave, a short distance from the castaway's village. Two figures are working in the shadows.

Figure: Two?

One of the figures is working on some unidentifiable mass of machinery, while the other paces back and forth.

Figure: There. It's done. Are you sure you can work this thing?

Other figure: Of course I can! I am a master at these things! OH HO HO HO HO!

Figure cringing: Do that again, and I won't show you how to fix it when it breaks.

Other figure (okay, we know it's Naga, so I'll drop the "other figure" nonsense): You were going to? I thought you would force favors out of me in exchange for repairs?

Figure: Nope. You don't have anything that I want, and I'm getting sick of the hike to get here. I'm still amazed that you managed to contact a sane guest writer over the Internet, and that you even know how to USE the internet. Why does he need a radio beacon to get here anyway?

Naga: He said it was a secret.

Figure: WHAT?! I'm gonna kill this guy.

He fades out.

Figure: Nice fade-out.

A few days later, in the castaway's village.

The cast is assembled at attention, wearing combat fatigues, or at least camo versions of their normal clothing, with Lina pacing back and forth.

Lina: Okay, we know that the latest guest writer is supposed to be here any day now, and so we need to be prepared. Status reports! Amelia!

Amelia: Funky Fruit stores are full, sir!

Lina: Rezo!

Rezo: The bunker is dug out and ready, sir!

Lina: Gourrigan!

Gourrigan: Huh?

Brief interlude as Lina administers the traditional thrashing.

Lina: Now, then about your job!

Gourrigan: Oh, yeah, I dug out those holes and covered them, just like you told me to.

Lina: Good. At least we'll be ready when the latest nut arrives. They've done too many things to us before, this time we're in charge!

Suddenly, Xellos' coconut-and-copper wire radio starts beeping.

Zel: Uh oh.

Filia: It's beeping.

Amelia: You know what happens when things start beeping.

Gourrigan, having no idea what strange beeping objects usually means, walks over and punches a button. Strangely enough, he gets the right one. There is no explosion. The radio merely speaks.

Radio: Gourrigan's, this is BoozeRunner, requesting permission to land at the beacon, over.

Gourrigan: AAAHHHH!!!!

He runs screaming into his hut. The others just shrug, and cluster around the radio. Everybody looks lost as to the next course of action, except Xellos. He simply picks up the microphone, and starts speaking.

Xellos: Uh, who is this?

Radio: This is the Dropship BoozeRunner, to Gourrigan's Island to drop off supplies. Now can we land or not?

Xellos: Uh, sure. Go ahead.

Radio: Roger that, Gourrigan's. ETA one hour. Bye.

The radio shuts off, leaving a very confused bunch of people.

Naga: That's him.

The rest: Who?

Naga: This week's writer. He told me he had to land at a special location, and said he'd call before he arrived.

Lina: Wait a minute. You've been in contact with this guy? You knew he was coming?

Naga: Well, yeah, I knew he was coming, I recomended him to the Queen!

The rest: WHAT!?

Zel: You actually recomended someone to write for the show? Never mind why, where do you meet someone depraved enough to write here?

Naga: On the 'net.

Facefault.

Sylphiel: Weird enough to be true.

Zel: Really. So where's he supposed to be landing? Maybe we can trap him there.

Xellos: Over there. He points to a large clearing further down the > beach. > >

One hour later...

Everybody is clustered next to the clearing behind a mound of sandbags.

Lina: Are you sure it said one hour? I don't see anything.

Rezo: Me neither.

THWACK!

Rezo: @#$%&*!!

Lina: Now then. Where is he?

Gourrigan: Is that him?

He points straight up, at two bright specks in the sky, coming toward the island. One of them is under what looks like a controlled descent, while the other one simply slams into the ocean, raising a REALLY big splash. The first speck resolves itself into a LARGE ship (think big steel egg) descending towards the landing area. It settles into the sand, and sits there.

Zel: If that's him, we may have a problem.

A door opens at ground level on the ship. A figure steps out.

Figure: We're heeere! Oh, come on, guys, they're not that dangerous. No, you don't need a 'mech! It'll be fine! Think of it as one of Kaervek's parties, groundside! GET OUT, OR NO BOOZE!!!

Assorted humans pour out of the ship. The cast is spotted, and the first figure approaches them.

Figure: Hi, we mean you no harm. We're here for this week's episode.

Lina: Which one's the writer?

Figure: I am.

Lina: Who are you? And why would Naga recommend you to write here?

Figure: I am one of the Weirdos. Naga was my contact? Ugh. Who would have thunk?

Amelia: One of the Weirdos? Where are the rest? And who are they?

Weirdo: The rest are up here. (Taps head.) There are many of us within this body. Unfortunately, our weirdness is so great that only one can manifest itself at a time. Otherwise the weirdness gets REALLY weird. Those loons over there are a bunch of my friends from Solaris 7. Right now, they're setting up for the party. (Points to each one in turn.) That's Kaervek Pryde, that's Ramrod, and those are Wild Ride, Den Jaeger, Warhawk, and Chaos.

Chaos: HEY!!

Weirdo: (Rolls eyes) Okay, he's the Precentor-in-exile ChaosExtreme. Happy?

Chaos: Yes.

WHOM.

Weirdo: SPOOOOON!!!!!

WHOM.

Lina: What party? And what evil do you have planned for us?

Weirdo: No evil. Just party. And don't mind the strange outbursts. They're either one of the other Weirdoes trying to get loose, or I'm trying to freak you out.

Amelia: It's working.

Weirdo: Thankski veryski muchski, budski. Now then, shalt we get this thing set up?

Amelia: How do we know you won't do something evil to us?

Weirdo: Like what?

Amelia: Well, taking us prisoner, and stuff like that.

Suddenly, Amelia is decked by one of the newcomers, specifically, Kaervek. Before she knows it, he has tied a peice of cord around her wrist.

Kaervek: I have bested you in honorable combat! I claim you as my bonsdman (the term is not gender-specific), and will bring you into the warrior caste of the great Jade Falcons! With your power, we will conquer Terra!!!

He proceeds to do a typical crusader rant.

Weirdo: Like that?

Amelia does not reply, as she is being dragged back towards the ship by Kaervek.

Wild: I wonder who I should pity.

The guests all reply "Amelia" simultaneously, while the Slayers folk all say "Kaervek". Weirdo simply shrugs.

Weirdo: This is gonna be cool. Anyway, anybody else not trust me?

Lina: Yeah, me! Fireb-

SQUISH

Weirdo: Hey Blizz, man, what took you?

The BattleMech that just stepped out of the water takes a few more steps, revealing a flat(er) Lina. A hatch at the top opens, and a human sticks his head out.

Blizzard: I landed off target, and it took me this long to get here. What, you think doing a cannonball from orbit in a mech is easy? Try it sometime!

Weirdo: You see what you stepped on?

Blizzard: Nope. (Looks down.) Oooh....what is it?

Weirdo: Pissed. Run.

Blizzard dives back into his BlackJack(mech), and runs into the dropship just before Lina awakens.

Lina: AWRIGHT, WHAT WAS THAT!!!!! Never mind I don't want to know. Either way, DIE!!!! Dragon Slave!!!

Just as she hurls the spell, the rest of the castaways also fire on Weirdo, in an attempt to rid the universe of an obviously unbalanced freak(okay, I'm bragging), and all the spells land on target at the same time.

WEIRD things happen.

On the other side of the planet, Clinton is acquitted.

Every chimpanzee in the world spontaneously does the Macarena.

Regis Philbin asks, "Is that your final answer?". The answer is no. Barney ratings reach an all-time middle.

The Space Shuttle lifts off without delays.

Okay, I'm stalling. Weirdo does not disintegrate. Instead, he absorbs all the energy, and hiccups.

Weirdo: That was weird, even by my standards. All my personalities have been combined. As a result, I have been promoted, in the metaphysical sense. I am no longer just the Weirdoes.

Rezo (decides to bite the bullet, then spits it out and asks): Okay, what are you?

Weirdo: I am now just one. My weirdness has increased exponentially. I am now Weirdo, the God of Insanity.

All: Ooooooooh.

Weirdo: Enough with that! I came here to party, let's party!!

TO BE CONTINUED........

What will happen to Amelia? Will Lina ever find out Blizz did it? What will the new God of Insanity do? Will the party be cool? Is there any one reader who will make sense of all this?

All this and more, on part two of Gourrigan's Island: The Weirdo Strikes Back!!!