After all the girl stories today, it's time for a boy story. Russell Crowe's wife Danielle Spencer gave birth to a baby boy early this morning. Tennyson Spencer Crowe weighed in at around 8 pounds, and is the second child for the couple; they also have a 2-year old son named Charlie. "Mother, father, and baby are doing extremely well," said Crowe's publicist in a statement. Here's to hoping that daddy didn't pass down his crazy, violent phone-abusing genes to those two boys. If so, mommy better start communicating through tin cans connected by string. They are lightweight and don't hurt so bad when they bounce off your head. Just be sure and get a tetanus shot.
7-07-06 Ozzie's Bloody House Nearly Burned Down...Again
The English country mansion of Ozzie and Sharon Osborne caught on fire this weekend. A faulty lamp was found to be the culprit. Ozzie Osborne obviously has 9 lives, which are quickly running out. In the past few years, his house has caught on fire twice, he unsuccessfully tried to tackle a burglar who broke in and stole jewlery, and broke his collarbone, several ribs, and a neck vertabrae in an ATV accident. Why he hasn't been locked up in a padded room is beyond me. He kicked ass back in the day, but let's face it- it's 2006 and the drugs have gotten to his brain. The man is certifiable now. The real story here is that there is no story! We expect stuff like this from the "Prince of Bleeping Darkness."
7-07-06 Allow Me To Introduce You To Rose Lohan
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly joined the trendy religion Kabbalah and has chosen Rose as her Hebrew Name. In recent months, Lohan has become good friends with Madonna, who is a follower of Kabbalah. Devotees of the religion go by their Hebrew names (Madonna's is Esther) during studies, services, and human sacrafices. Ok, I made that last part up. Last month Lohan said of the religion "Yes, I am looking into Kabbalah. All of us need someting You have to grab onto whatever gets you though." Apparently, up until this point, "Rose" had to grab onto a lot of penises and bongs to get her through. I guess that's not doing the trick anymore. Sorry, Scientology. Better luck next time!
7-07-06 Kate Moss Is Rich, Bitches
Remember all those talks your parents had with you when you were growing up? About how you shouldn't eat ice cubes for lunch to be starving African thin and how you should never ever do cocaine? Well, kiddies. It's time to throw your parents well-intentioned good advice out the window. Last year, supermodel Kate Moss earned a measley $7 million dollars through her modeling jobs and endorsement deals. Post-cocaine video, she has accepted a whole slew of new endorsement deals and will reportedly earn $14 million. Just goes to show you that while copying the cool kids may not make you popular, it will make you hella rich. Spank my ass and shove a straw up my nose.
7-10-06 Suri Cruise Might Exist After All
Or at least a birth certificate for her does. TMZ.com has obtained a copy of the certificate. It is interesting that they chose to release this information now, just as people were beginning to whisper that baby Suri didn't exist. Personally, this doesn't convince me one bit. Last time I checked, they put the parents real full name on the certificate. If you look closely, the mothers name says "Kate Holmes." Now I realize that Tom has hypnotized her and is using the pet name "Kate" to address his dull eyed Scientology converted baby mamma, but that does not make it her legal name. I bet that Suri is actually an alien baby, and that the requirements are different for inter-galactical birth certificates. Yes, that must be it! Another case, cracked by yours truly!
7-10-06 Kelly Clarkson Is Not A Stick Figure
Kelly Clarkson recently signed a deal with Glaceau Vitamin Water to promote her own line of vitamin water. However, company execs have reportedly put the deal on hold because they think Clarkson needs to drop a few pounds to better be able to represent the brand's image of fitness and health. So what if it looks like the girl does nothing but drink Dr. Peppers? At least she's not an idiot stick figure with no soul and she has the voice of an angel. I'd rather watch Kelly Clarkson chow her ass down on hot dogs any day then watch an idiot stick figure with no soul like Paris Hilton drink a bottle of $25 "vitamin" water that in reality was probably filled up with water out of this week's boyfriend's urinal.
7-10-06 Pirates Of The Carribean Made Lots Of Booty
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest scored huge at the box office this weekend, raking in a reported $132 million in just 3 days. This breaks the record previously set by Spider-Man in 2002, which made only made a measly $114 million. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, predecessor to this Pirates film, only took in $46 million on it's opening weekend in 2003. This is just crazy to me. If my math is right (and I'm pretty sure it is, with me being brilliant and all) that works out to be like every 3 out of 5 people in America saw Dead Man's Chest. Which supports my conclusion that if Johnny Depp is in a movie, 85% of the time it will be a hit movie, everytime.
7-10-06 Donna Martin Is Gonna Be Broke
Tori Spelling has reportedly been almost completely cut out of her fathers will by her mother, Candy Spelling. Tori caused a family feud when she eloped with Dean McDermott earlier this year, and it seems as though her mother has yet to forgive and forget. Tori is used to a rich and pampered lifestyle, and seeing her tossed her into the real world is going to be highly entertaining. I say strap a camera to her back so we can all join in the fun. It's fantastically petty and deliciously nasty. It's just like something out of an Aaron Spelling sitcom. Now hows that for kick you in the crotch ironic?