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I'm about to deliver some terrible news. The release date of Paris Hilton's album, creatively titled Paris, has been delayed from August 8th to August 22nd. But we are all grown-ups here, and we have to learn to deal with our disappointment in a mature way. Even though this is a blow akin to broken peace treaties and failed arms negotiations, we have to understand that Paris probably had a very good reason for the delay. The label, (as a side note, the sub-label the album is being released on is called Heiress Records and was created by Hilton herself at Warner Brothers Records) has released no official reason for the postponement. However, I am a master speclulator and have taken the liberty of coming up with a few possible reasons: a) The original release date would have Hilton competing with someone who actually had talent, b) The real singer on the album developed laryngitis and the recording studio had to wait until she got well c) The voice synthesizer they used to make Hilton's voice sounds less bird-like and more human wore out from so much use and the shipping of the new one took longer than expected, or d) emergency herpes break-out treatement had to be performed on Hilton. These are the only logical possible reasons, people- take your pick. My money is on "D."
7-24-06 The Beckhams Are Going For A Girl This Time
David and Victoria ( Posh Spice) Beckham are trying to get pregnant yet again. The couple already have three sons but desperately want a daughter. I think this is just a fantastic idea. That way, Posh Spice can pass her anorexic food issues on to her little girl. Because we don't have nearly enough little girls with food issues and/or eating disorders in the world. Victoria Beckham looks like a bobble-head doll with that skinny body and huge head. I can just hear her giving her daughter advice in ten years: "No, honey. The bones are supposed to poke through the skin like that. That is what men like!"
7-24-06 Fred Durst Is Getting Married
Fred Durst announced via a blog on his myspace page that he is engaged to a girl named Krista Salvatore, who he met Memorial Day weekend of this year. According to my extensive two-minutes of research, Fred Durst has not been in the news since March 2005, when his computer was hacked, reportedly by the same individuals who hacked Paris Hilton's Sidekick. The hackers stole video footage from the computer hard drive of Durst and a woman doing the deed and sold it to online pornography sites, and Durst sued the sites who posted the footage. He then realized that nobody cares about him or wants to watch his hair back in bed, and apparently fell of the face of the planet...until now. Some of you reading this still probably don't know who Fred Durst is. Well, I'll tell you: he's the bald guy in the red hat who did it all for the nookie. No one cared then, and no one cares now.
7-24-06 Orlando Bloom Is Too Tired To Cheat
Orlando Bloom claims that he will never cheat on his beard, I mean girlfriend, Kate Bosworth, with a groupie simply because he is tired all the time from his hectic work schedule. Bloom said "When you are onset or have been promoting all day, the last thing you want is a load of ladies knocking on your door." The fact that Orlando would rather get his beauty sleep than have an entire cheerleading squad try to get down his pants at the same time is no surprise. With his long, flowing locks and his perfectly sculpted eyebrows, Orlando personifies rugged manliness. There's nothing sexier than a man whose nail polish always perfectly matches his shoes & belt. I can just see he and Bosworth spending hours brushing each others hair and arguing over who fits best into their size double-zero skinny jeans. Aah, how sweet. I think that they are my new favorite lesbian couple.
7-25-06 Nicole Richie Is Recording An Album Too
Nicole Richie, daughter of 80's pop legend Lionel Richie and sworn mortal enemy of Paris Hilton, revealed that she is following in her former friend's footsteps and recording an album. The tracks on the album, six of which are ready, deal with Richie's past, present, and future. She said "The songs are about what's going on in my life, growing up and becoming a woman. They are about realizing what's great and what's so wonderful about life and being on this Earth and living the way I live." Hilton's debut album, Paris, is scheduled to be released on August 22nd and is tipped to be a worldwide hit. That's right, that was not a typo- people are actually planning to buy it. Hilton could deep-fry her album in chocolate sauce with diamond garnishes and I still wouldn't go near it. And that's saying a lot, I really like fried stuff and chocolate sauce and diamonds. The last thing Hilton needs is more cash flow to buy more Cristal, which leads to her dancing on tables. And I think we are all tired of seeing those pictures. If I bought Richie's album, at least I know the royalties would go to something worthy- like feeding the girl.
7-25-06 Madonna To Adopt Another Baby...Maybe
The hot new trend this season is not to grow a baby in your uterus the old-fashioned way, it's adoption! Madonna and her husband, Guy Richie, are reportedly going to adopt after Madonna wraps up her Confessions on a Dance Floor tour. The couple already has a 5-year old son, Rocco, and Madonna has a 9-year old daughter, Lourdes, from a previous relationship. But a rep for the couple denies their plans to help just one child, instead claiming that they are going to help hundreds. Madonna is reportedly planning on being more involved with Raising Malawi (a charity with close ties to the Kabbalah religion, of course), which aims at helping the orphans of poverty and disease in Africa. Ok Madonna, you have gone a bit overboard here. I can see adopting one kid, but an entire african village? Wow. That is a lot of birthday presents and Christmas presents. It's a good thing the Richie's are loaded.
7-25-06 Ari Gold Had One Creepy Birthday Party
Pictures are circulating around the internet of Entourage actor Jeremy Piven's birthday party...and boy, are they wierd. Lindsay Lohan attended the shindig, and at some point during the night it apparently became necessary for her to pose for many many photos in a nude colored bathing suit. There were also various shots of Lohan in a pale pink ruffle-y lingerie looking outfit. To add to the creepy factor, it looks like she is posing for all these pictures at the end of a hallway, in front of what might be a bathroom door. Other pictures include a shirtless Piven staring blankly at a chocolate birthday cake. What the hell happened at that party? The only piece of the puzzle missing is the corpse of the animal used for the ritualistic slaughter. Click here to see some of the pictures, including two of Lohan scantily clad.
7-25-06 George Michael Busted Yet Again
Singer George Michael was caught by investigators for UK's News of the World crawling out of the bushes with a man who was not his boyfriend. Michael, trying to hide his face with his baseball cap, screamed "I don't believe it! F*** off! If you put those pictures in the paper, I'll sue!" He was also reportedly "wild-eyed and trembling." Norman Kirtland, the man cavorting with the singer, is a 58-year old, pot bellied, out-of-work van driver. Somehow, that makes things even worse. You know, this weekend felt incomplete somehow. Like something was missing. And then I realized that they had been no George Michael sex scandal. I feel much better now knowing that there was one. It just took longer than usual to reach my ears because it occured overseas.