back
Sort of, anyway. Paris Hilton revealed that her television show, The Simple Life, is not real and that she is only playing a 'charachter. "People assume that it's real, because it's a reality show- but it's not." Hilton then helpfully added "It's fake." Of her on-screen persona, she said "I made a charachter that is like the movies Legally Blonde and Clueless mixed together, with a rich girl all-in-one. Even my voice is different and the way I dress is different from me in real life. It's a charachter I like to play. The public think they know me but they don't." Oh, Paris. Don't worry. I don't think any of us are confused. We know that your baby-talking blonde-bimbo on screen 'charachter' is much smarter than the real Paris. Or as Cher on Clueless would say: As If!
7-11-06 Lindsay Lohan Gets Paid For Nothing
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly signed a $2 million dollar deal to endore the acne treatment Proactive. Lohan claims that her battle with acne is the only part of her life which has been left alone by the paparazzi. It's a good thing the paparazzi are sensitive to the feelings of celebs, or they would always be following them around, trying to catch embarassing shots of them- maybe even some that include pimples! Gasp. In the extensive two minutes of research I have done on Lindsay Lohan, I have found nothing that resembles acne on any pictures of her. Cracked, leathery, and prematurely aged, yes. Cocaine, dating loads of older men, underage drinking, smoking, and partying all night will do it to you every time. The cure isn't Proactive, it's a night at home with a book and a cup of tea.
7-11-06 Nick Lachey Gets Paid To Whine
Publicly airing dirty laundry sure is lucrative. Cry baby Nick Lachey has announced a 26-city tour this fall in support of his 'hit' solo album, What's Left of Me. Songs from the record were reportedly penned by Lachey after he was told by Jessica Simpson that she wanted a divorce, and includes cheery tunes with titles like I Can't Hate You Anymore. The album, released in early May, debuted on the charts at #2 and sole 172,000 in the first week, making this Lachey's first hit solo album. Apparently the definition of 'hit' has been changed to 'Hit (noun): Everytime that damn song comes on the radio I beat my head into the windshield until I pass out and hope my car drives off a bridge because I can't listen to this depressing crap any longer.'
7-11-06 5th Times A Charm For Brigette Nielson
Trainwreck Brigette Nielson married 28-year old Italian model Mattia Dessi on Saturday on the Mediterranean Island of Malta. This is the 5th trip down the aisle for Nielson. She last appeared on VH1's The Surreal Life and Strange Love, which documented her nightmare-inducing relationship with the clock sporting, former Public Enemy frontman Flavor Flav. What a freak show. I'm actually a little annoyed that I'm risking carpal tunnel syndrome to write about this woman. New rule: unless they place her behind a glass wall so that we can all point, laugh, and tap on the glass to try and get a reaction out of her, I'm done with Brigette Nielson. Insert your own "Yeah, boyeeee!" reference here.
7-11-06 Jackie Chan Is A Drunken Fool
A drunk Jackie Chan disruped a Jonathan Lee concert he was attending in Hong Kong and exchanged insults with the audience. The kung-fu master jumped up on stage and demanded a duet with Lee, then attempted to conduct the band. When audience members heckled him to get off the stage, Chan proceeded to kill them all with his bare hands, using such moves as the Crouching Tiger and the Hidden Dragon. Ok, I made that up. He probably went home and cried because he realized he's a 52 year old kung-fu star who is way to old to be making kung-fu movies. Seriously Jackie- you are gonna break a hip!