Wicked
This was the start of the Boston Teens (Sully + Denise) on SNL.
HEATHER... Rachel Dratch
MOM... Tina Fey
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(Scene: Heather is in a store looking at clothing. Mom enters) MOM: Heather where'd ya run off to I've been looking all over the mall for you! HEATHER: Ma, I could not stand there in that record store, with you arguing with the store Manager. MOM: Well Im sorry Heather! But tell me this, what kind of record store does not carry Pat Benitar. HEATHER: Ma, nobody listens to Pat Benitar. Alright. MOM:Bite your tounge Pat Benitar is a very good singer. She has opera training. HEATHER: Yeah. You tell me that everyday. MOM: (sings) Micheal hit me with your best shot. HEATHER: Oh my God. (Mother continues singing) Ma! Ma! (Mother stops singing) MA! MOM: Hell is for children! HEATHER: Yeah, whatever. (starts looking at jeans) MOM: What size jeans are you looking for doll? HEATHER: Ten. MOM: Ten? God bless ya. HEATHER: Ma... this is why I hate shopping with you ok I'd rather be with my friends right now. MOM: You dont wanna shop with me. You'd rather shop with that lil pack of vampires you run around with. HEATHER: Ma, those are my friends! MOM: They're the living goddamn dead! HEATHER: Ma, I dont have all night to argue with you okay. I gotta be at Sully's house to watch the brawns game at 8 o'clock. MOM: You used to watch hockey with me, didn't ya? HEATHER: Yeah, you swear to much. (grabs a pair of jeans and goes into a fitting room stall) MOM: The neighborhood children enjoy it. HEATHER: Yeah. (pause) Hey Ma can we stop at Friendly's on the way home. I got a wicked craving for a fribble. MOM: Jesus Christ Heather! You just had 10 peices of Cheese at hickory farms. HEATHER: Ma, your gunna give me a negative body image, alright! Seriously. Seven out of ten teenage girls have a negative body image! MOM: Yeah well six of them girls are right! Heather! You got those pants on yet? (opens stall door as Heather is putting the jeans on) HEATHER: (Suprised) What are you showing my ass to the whole merry-go-round! MOM: (shuts the door) Yeah. I'm charging a dollar, cause there's a line out here. HEATHER: Yeah there aughta be! (Comes out of stall; with the pants in her arm) Alright here. (hands the jeans to the mother) MOM: Oh, Heather. Look at these halter tops. They're on sale. HEATHER: But, ma this sweaters wicked pisser! Oh my god. Can I get this? I swear to god I'll wear it! MOM: (Looks at tag) It's forty-eight dollars. HEATHER: Yeah so? MOM: So no individual garment should ever cost more than 12 dollars. HEATHER: Are you shittin' me!? Maybe for 12 dollars I could get a scrunchy! MOM: You better watch your mouth or I will show you the softer side of sears so goddamn fast your head will spin! HEATHER: I've been workin' wicked hard at the On-Burger. So I can buy this with my own money, thank you very much. MOM: I thought you were saving that money for glamour shots? HEATHER: Denise can take my picture with a polaroid instead. MOM: Who? HEATHER: Shes my friend. MOM: Heather? HEATHER: Yeah. MOM: Heather I gotta talk to you about something. HEATHER: Yeah. What? MOM: I was on my way to work this morning and I saw something very weird. Do you know what it was? HEATHER: Well, I'm not Dion Warwick! MOM: I saw ya parked in a car making out with a boy. HEATHER: Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph! MOM: And you had your top off Heather! HEATHER: Ma! That was a secluded area! MOM: It was a Kentucky Fried Chicken! HEATHER: I'm wicked embarrassed! MOM: Oh your embarrassed. Heres me trying to order a side of koslaw and there's my daughter in the parkin' lot puttin 'em on the glass! HEATHER: Ma! Maybe what you fail to understand is that Sully and I are in love! Okay? MOM: Well, God bless America! Heather I just dont want you getting pregnant. HEATHER: Ma what is this a very special Blossom? MOM: You know what your problem is Heather! Your exactly like your father! HEATHER: Oh My God attention shoppers here comes my personal life. I swear to God. MOM: Listen up. Listen to me. You look like your father, you talk like your father, you smell like your goddamn father half the time. HEATHER: The only reason I smell like my father is because you wont let me wear perfume and I gotta to wear Old Spice. MOM: God forbid, you just don't wear any perfume you lil hootchie mama! HEATHER: Ma! MOM: I'm sorry Heather you just drive me up the freaking wall sometimes. (both speaking at the same time) I swear to god. Heather its my job to piss you off. Im your mother I brought you here! I treated you right. HEATHER: You are wicked pissing me off right now. You know that! You are causing serious physcological trauma. Your like one of those mothers on Sally Jessy! MOM: GOD FORBID! We are not white trash! HEATHER: WE ARE DAMN CLOSE! MOM: Come on we're leavin! HEATHER: What! MOM: Chop chop. Tick Tock. We're outte here. HEATHER: Oh my god. But mom, come on Im looking at these. MOM: That's very sad. Sing me a sad song. HEATHER: Ma, come on! We didn't get anything. MOM: No. HEATHER: Ma come on! MOM: Put it back! HEATHER: Fine. Drop me off at Sully's. We're gunna go party in the woods behind his house. MOM: Phenominal! HEATHER: Will you buy us beer? MOM: I told you that was a one time thing!
