Dear Ryan,
Life is funny, do you know that? I can believe what I did, and now I can't take it back. I miss you. Matt thinks I'm obsessed with him, but I'm not. I just thought he'd be a good friend, and he wasn't, so I lied, because he hurt me...he went around telling everyone the truth about me, and it wouldn't have hurt if he hadn't gone into such great detail with a couple of my close friends. That's what being a friend is you know, backstabbing, lieing, cheating, and tears.
I wish you were here so it could only be you that I wanted...like before. But the fact is that you're not. You're probobly in some New York City going to college aren't you. You were always so brilliant. I gotta go...I have to work soon. I miss you terribly,
Joe
7-28-03
Dear Ryan,
Things have been really hectic lately, especially with my dealing with Paul and Clint. Clint doesn't realize how I feel. Well, he does, but he doesn't care. I bet you think it's funny huh? Clint is so special. He just doesn't realize it all. Blah Blah...Ryan, do you miss me at all? Why am I writing these letters? Is this really a good thing? Yes, I suppose so isn't it? It helps me get over the fact that you're not here. Out of the three, I think I felt the closest to you. Nathan and Clint are both very distant, but I guess I always felt like you were somewhere close watching me.
Now I'm sure you're wondering about Paul now that I mentioned him. He's 43...and he lives in clevland, and Birkie, he wants me to come see him. I think I just might because I need a break from this town. It has been driving me up a wall. Kelly has been cool though. I don't know what I'd have done without her, mind you I don't know where she is. She sadi she'd be meeting me here in 5 minutes, and that was like a half an hour ago. She is really cool, and she really is usually reliable. Ryan, I decided to not change my first name. I thought I liked being Joe remember? I will however eventually change my last name. My father was a complete scumbag.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you always.
Joe
7-8-03
Dear Ryan
I thought a lot about you last week. I though about changing myself, and I'm changing a little. Growing hurts ya know. I started by changing my name. It's going to be official as soon as I get the paper work done. Woohoo. My style has calmed down a bit, but every now and then I still like to get in people's faces. I know you know all to well how good I am at that.
My friend Randi moved away yesterday. I'm sad. She was like one of two close friends. Ryan...does everybody always end up going away?? I always feel like I'm changing friends so much. At first when I moved here I was in the goodie goodie social circles of like church people mainly because at first I didn't want them to know I was gay, but then I was like screw this, and I became friends with the rebels. I think you'd quite like Randi, but kelly's a little much for you I think. Randi is much more sensible, and Kel is kinda wild. Both their pictures are on my links part... .... and it leads to their sites. I think you'd also like my friend Lexie Beamer. She's a real sweety with not a whole lota drama. :) I know you don't need any more :)
Court is going ok. My attorny is a dick. I think a woman could do better.
Mom is ok too. She applauded me yesterday fro not talking about you as much. I talk about Clint thouh a lot. He's nice Ryan. He reminds me a lot of you, but with this keen nack of being so polite. His smile is just breath-taking. Ryan... .... I'm in love with him, while I still have feelings for you, you've become unrealistic. You're 856 miles away from me, and it tares my soul, but Clint is here, and even though he isn't sure of who he is, I know who he is, and he's a tad more real...
I know you don't care about that... ... you're just happy that I'm as far as I am, and proboble wondering if you can sponser me a ticket even further right?
There has been something bothering me though... ... yellow houses and marriage is all fine... ... but can I let that dream be with you? It doesn't really fit me anymore. I don't want a house. I think I want to rent a loft of something when I go to chicago. Ryan, I'm going to do my dream. I'm so happy. And you know what, I'm ok with being alone. I had a guy named lester who's like way too old for me, come up and ask me out, and I was like no thanks. Not because I was in love, but because I like where I'm going. Only you or Clint could tie my down, but no one else. I should go now. I have to pick up the mail. Ryan... I miss you so much.
Joe
6-25-03
Dear Ryan
I'm really scared that this is a bad idea, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's not like you'll ever find it here...but if you do it's here....and you can read them if you want. Ryan, I'm so scared that I might go to jail...me. Joe. I don't understand how any of this got to this point, but I wish I could go home. I envy you so much being there...I wish I could be there with you. It must be nice living in a world without Joe right? It's hard without you. I know how you think of me, so it's nothing for you, but still. Ryan, Clint doesn't know I exist. He knows that i have feelings for him, and he knows everything. I told him all about you(yes the complete truth) and he's said nothing. I don't think he compares to you, but you don't compare to him either. You're both your own person, and to be honest, if I ever had to choos I wouldn't know which one to choose...but I don't think that really matters now, because it looks like I'm going to be alone for awhile anyway.
I hope you enjoyed your graduation...I bet it was nothing like it would have been if I was there...*sigh* I guess I have silly dreams huh? Silly evolving dreams. Clint can be in that yellow house if he wants in...he just has to choose it. It's quite funny that I'm writing a letter to you and talking about him, and I think that it might be just a tad weird for you. Life is hard alone. Ryan, I would have spent every waking minute loving you, a part of me still does...but now I made room for someone else, and this time I don't feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't. I still love you, but I love him too. blah lah blah. I will figure it out one of these days...
**and your right about one thing about magic...I cast a spell, aimed at my cousin, and it hit someone else instead...now this guy is dead...I hoestly don't care because he's a carlisle, and you also know that at times I can be compasionless...but it did hurt the person the spell was intended for...so go figure.
I graduated from Paulding, and now I'm done. I think after the whole court thing is done, and my act tests are finished I'm going to go to chicago to an interior design school there. I'm hopeing. Cross your fingers for me.
I miss my friends back there so much. Laura and I got in a big fight...we don't talk anymore. I miss Rach though, and you, and the office...I miss being around people like us. I'm not trying to osund racist here, but do you know that society would choose a black man over a gay man...I just learned that...*sigh*
people keep talking about my web page...like it's some big deal...and evidently I had a hit list that I never had on here....people are dumb...why can't they leave me alone?? Why can't I just be like eveyone else? I'm so tired of all these people thinking that I'm a bad person. You might hate me, but I'm not a bad person. I just made some bad choices.
I have to go. I'll write some more as the days come and go. I miss you...though you might not care, but you're special to me...and I love you.
Anthony