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Uncertainty |
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Rated: PG- it has shounan ai, and one or two strong words. ~~~~~ |
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| Can you hear my heart beat? I'm so far away, but I can hear
yours. I think I love you- such a cliché, but so true. I know it can't be-
because of rules and regulations, but it doesn't stop me. I wish you'd feel the
same, though in a way I'm glad you don't. That might mean I'd have to do
something about it. I can't. So, anyway. I love you. Do you know? Under that
face of solitude, mask of yourself? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. I couldn't
say. But I love you. What does it mean? Does it mean I want to kiss you? I don't
think so. Intimacy is an off limits subject. Does it mean I need to tell you?
Probably, but I won't. I can't. So until then, you'll not know. Who knows if
then will come. I have a feeling it won't. Maybe you do know. Maybe you do feel the same. You say you care. But that's what they all say. They lied. Don't lie to me. I can't face knowing anymore. I won't know. I'll forget. How do you forget that you're in love, you ask. You focus on someone else. I tried that .It didn't work. They were teasing me, not after me. I could tell. You never say anything about your past, but there's no doubt you know mine. I talk so much it's almost impossible not to know. But I suppose it depends. Did you listen when I told you? I think you did, but overlooked it, assumed it was over. But it's never over. My past is always a haunting memory. So many things I shouldn't have told you. It's not something you needed to know. If you did listen, that is. I don't think you heard. You opened your ear, but didn't hear. Wouldn't surprise me. Usually, I would've said something to someone by now. One of my friends. But I daren't. It's not natural. You're the same as I? Yes. In a way. You're the same sex. It makes it hard to allow myself to know, because, if anyone else knew, it'd kill them. I'm not bisexual, or am I? I mean, both come from the mould of 'human'. But it doesn't matter who you love, they say. If you say you love them, you love them. Right? If. How can you know? I think I love you. It's an 'I think'. Not an ' I know'. What's the point of jeopardizing it? Leave it as it is, that's my view. So I will. No point jeopardizing it. I shut the pad and got up, put it on its shelf. My room's a mess. No other ways of describing it really, without lying. Which of course, I shouldn't do. This is my honesty, my room is a mess. Clothes are scattered everywhere, books in piles all over. My stereo's playing music, but I couldn't tell what it was if you asked me. I can't really get at it to change CD. My remote turns it on and off, so I use that. I'm grateful that my room's my own though, unlike some rooms, because nobody can complain. There are 2 beds, but one body, so to speak. The fan on my ceiling is almost like a blender, thinking about it, because when I turn it on it makes my mess of a room even messier. How does that relate to my room being mine? Because if I had to share it, there'd be no fan. No blender-like blades to cut through the air. Enough about my room, back to what I was doing- well, I was thinking about my room, but before that, I was thinking about him. The person who would've shared my room had he been able to. He ended up sharing with Trowa though, not much of a surprise. They get along better than any of us, surprisingly. I think it's because they understand one another. Either that or the fact that Trowa is quiet and refuses to be an annoying pain in the arse, unlike me. I'd talk to no end, making him pissed off to no end. I can't help it. Silence is scary. It means that there's nothing to talk about. And that means that there is no idle chatter- a problem to me, because idle chatter means friendship to me. So no idle chatter- no friendship. And everyone needs a friend, even us soldiers. Even Wufei likes to have a friend- well, he won't say it, but when I'm feeling serious, he and I talk a lot- and I can tell he enjoys it because he told me so, last time. His words were " Maxwell, I'm glad you are as you are, it helps me." I didn't ask, because I understood. I can be carefree, I know but only so the others can let off steam. If they yell at me, at least I know that they'll be more concentrated on the mission, or in battle. I'm not sure about Quatre, though. He never yells at me, he seems to look upon me like a brother. As if I'm older or younger than him- depending on what I'm doing. When I'm in battle, I'm older than him, but not really that smart, when I'm at home, I'm younger, a kid that likes to play. Either way, he seems to want to protect me. All of us, really, but as it's me talking; I'm describing it from my point of view. Talking of views, I can see them outside. I'm going to join them, I think. If I do, at least I wont be thinking of him. But seeing him in person usually makes it worse, because he doesn't know. He is more relaxed, talks more now, but he still remains a mystery to me. He and Trowa are always talking; always hugging- it makes me jealous. Yes, jealous, because he never touches me. Not a single hug. In fact, as I speak, Heero's got his arm wrapped around Trowa's almost non- existent waist. Typical, Wufei's being a pain again- well, according to Quatre. Hm. I wonder what he said to Quatre- he looks very miffed. I'd better go talk to Wufei- he's probably upset. Damn, I wanted to watch Heero play tennis too! "Wufei? What's up?" I ask, seeing him sitting on the bench. "Nothing, Maxwell. Just the fact that they're imbeciles." I wait, because usually, it takes a while for him to say the real reason why he's angry, sad or generally peeved. "They called Nataku 'inadequate for the mission'." Ah. I see. Nataku, Wufei's gundam, is important to him- his dead wife Meiran, called herself Nataku, and so Wufei uses Altron to represent her. He may not have loved her, but he respected her. How do I know? He told me. So, anyway, a knock at Nataku is a knock at Meiran. "Wufei, Nataku's not inadequate, you know that. If it was, we'd not use it at all. That was probably Heero's way of saying you're not needed for the next mission. You know he only talks in robotic terms." "I suppose. It's just; he made Nataku sound so inferior to Wing and Deathscythe. Oh, by the way, it's just you two this time. Aren't you glad of that?" he replied, sarcastically. You see- he doesn't know I love Heero. Nobody does. I laughed. I couldn't say I wasn't, so I turned it into a joke- it's not a lie, but it seems less like the truth that way. "So glad! I can't wait to blow up the Leo's, with Heero telling me to get in control, to behave." The only problem with Wufei is he picks up too many vibes. He knows I don't lie, he knows I can't handle missions well - I've been caught at least 4 times. He's asked me before on Heero, watching my response closely. I had told him I cared about him like I cared about the others - not a lie, but not the entire truth either. "Come on Duo, We'd better go join the others- you need to ask Heero about the mission." "Heero- Wufei told me I'm on the next mission. What is it?" I asked, avoiding Trowa's eyes, avoiding Trowa totally. "We have to go to Victoria base, find a document." "Why must we both go?" I replied, confused. "It says so, ok? Don't ask me why, I only give out pre-arranged orders, Duo." Heero snapped and I sighed and nodded. He and Trowa started walking back up the path, and I stood and watched. It was unlikely, as neither Heero nor Trowa knew anything about being anything but soldiers, but it seemed to me that they were more than just 'comrades'. I hoped I was wrong, but the way Heero's arm snaked around Trowa's body, and how Trowa's arm seemed to be locked around Heero, made me wonder. If it was, if they were, I think it would break my heart. I love Heero; only I should be allowed to have my arm around him. But I knew, standing there, it'd never happen. He never let me touch him, so there was no chance of him loving me back. As my eyes refocused on the door they'd gone in through, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I knew before I turned around that it was Quatre's - because, like him, it was small, gentle and comforting. No, Quatre didn't know, but he could sense something had made me a little upset. He always can. I turned and smiled at him. "I'd better get going. Take care of what you say to Wufei, ok? I'll see you later man." I went into the house, my mind on autopilot as I got ready to go. I couldn't work out why one document would need the two of us to collect it, but who was I to question things? "You ready Duo?" Heero called as I entered the hanger. "No, of course not." would've been my reply, but it was a lie, and anyway, Heero and sarcasm don't go well together. I nodded and got into Deathscythe, my face blank. This mission would be tough. After all, whatever happened, I could end up telling him. I don't usually stay with him long in case I tell him, so who knows, I could accidentally let it slip out at any time. "Co-ordinates L1, 6-45. Got that Duo?" "Check, Heero." As we flew, there was silence. I didn't talk, however much I wanted to. He hardly spoke normally, and so I was surprised when he said "Duo." "Yeah, Heero?" "Why aren't you talking? I thought you said silence made you sad. No chatter, no friends, if I remember rightly. Aren't I your friend, Duo?" I glanced at the connecting transmitter, a bit scared. If I said no, it was a lie, and might hurt his feelings. If I said yes, I might accidentally tell him. The crackling of the transmitter filled the air, then I heard him say "I see." Thinking he was on about the mission, I asked. "What do you see, Heero?" "You don't class me as a friend, Duo. I should've realized, after all, you leave the room when I enter, you edge away when I come close, you don't talk to me, at least not much any more. I guess it was obvious." Ok, so, yes, it's true about my room leaving, and maybe I edged away, but only because he usually had a gun, and as for not talking to him, it was too hard- he was always with Trowa, and I was afraid I'd accidentally say. But I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't - not without telling him. But I couldn't say no really, either. "Heero, I do class you as a friend." I replied slowly trying to work out how I was going to say it without lying. " I don't talk to you because you tell me to be quiet, and you're always with Trowa. If, maybe, you'd talk to me away from him." "Duo, I have to tell you something." Heero said, as soon as I mentioned Trowa's name. I knew what was coming next, and didn't want to hear it. "We'd better get on with the mission." I interrupted, and looked at the co- ordinates given. "These are wrong, Heero." "There was no mission. Duo, I need to talk to you." "What do you mean there was no mission? You. what do you want to tell me then?" There was no point pro-longing it. I could hear the words in my head. ' Trowa and I are in love.' Yuk. Cue my heart being turned to dust and me breaking down and crying forever. "Duo, I really care about you." Ok, pause my thoughts, back to reality. He really cared about me? "What?" "I know, I know guys are meant to love girls, but I don't. Trowa understands, he's the same. That's why I hang around him a lot- why I requested a room with him." Heero's voice was quiet, almost sad. "I had to tell you, because, I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I didn't even know if you classed me as a friend, Duo. You never let me talk to you, I though maybe I'd done something offensive, but I guess it's my own fault." "No, Heero, I" Where was I going with my interruption? I have no idea, but it seemed that I had to. But I couldn't lie. "I guess it's my fault, in a way. I was afraid to come near you. I didn't want to touch you, but only because I thought if I did, I'd tell you." There-I'd said it. Well, no, I hadn't. I hadn't said I loved him at all. I'd just stopped his train of thought, stalled it for a while. "Tell me what, Duo?" Oh boy. Uhm, how could I not answer without hurting his feelings? How could I dodge the question without lying? I couldn't. I had to tell him the truth. "Tell you that I think I love you. I didn't want to tell you, because, you're a guy, and, I wasn't certain. I'm still not certain. Being in love means kissing, and, I don't know, kissing anyone, it just scares me. I know, it's unusual, but I've not had a love life, and. it seems odd. Heero? Are you listening to me?" "Of course I am. I always listen to you. Is that why you edge away? Because you were afraid I'd be disgusted? I'd not...but I can understand. Trowa told me before I realized. He told me the feelings he has for Quatre, and, they were the same as the ones I had, have, for you. At first I wouldn't admit it- as I said, guys are meant to love girls. Then, I couldn't help it, you were, and still are, so irresistible- not just in looks. Trowa seemed to know before I did, so I'm grateful to him for showing me it's alright to love another guy. But Duo, just because I think I love you doesn't mean I want you to kiss me, or sleep with me. Just, be with me. If you want to be." I glanced at the transmitter, then shook my head, and sighed slightly. "We need to say this in person, face to face. Otherwise, I can't believe you're telling me." I headed back, the transmitter cut off, so he couldn't reply. I thought I loved him. Then he tells me he thinks he loves me, and my heart jumps. But, I can't be sure. I mean, it's all just so convenient. Dream like. As I think this, I automatically land, and go to my room. I don't realize that he follows. "Duo, we have to talk. I think I love you; don't you want to say anything back? Please? Repeat what you said earlier- that you think you love me too. or at least that you still like me." He sits on my bed, and I sit on the spare. My door's shut, locked. "Heero, I do think I love you. It's just. its just all so convenient. Why. I am pretty certain, but as I said, you'll want kisses, and probably more. And I don't know if I can cope with that. Loving you from afar is one thing, loving you openly is another - do you understand? But, now you can hug me, as you know I know, it's not much of a substitute, but." I shrugged, glancing at him a little uncertainly. He was smiling, and I had an urge to hug him. He beat me to it, though, by getting up and hugging me. I was shocked, but it felt so comfortable, I moved my arms around him and pulled him onto the bed, so he was sitting next to me. His face moved, and I knew what was going to happen- what was supposed to happen, but he pulled away. There it was, that sense of longing, longing to kiss somebody. Deep inside- it had been asleep, but now it was awake, though my mind was dead set against it. "Duo, I'm not going to kiss you." He said, seeing the look on my face. Inside a battle between my heart and mind was taking place, causing me to squirm, though his arms remained around me, mine around him. "I want to kiss you, Heero." I muttered, a little angrily, and my mind gave up. "And. if you don't mind, I'd, I'd like to tell you. I love you." There- I'd said it. The truth, of course, I always tell the truth. "I don't mind either." He replied, and I reached for his lips with my own. I got my book down off the shelf, and took out my pen. Heero was in Trowa's room still- he didn't want to make me rush, make it seem obvious to the others, and besides, he said, your room's a mess. I sat down and started to write. I found love, I know. He, you, love me. You said you thought you love me. I guess you felt the way I did- uncertain but desperate to tell. If I had questioned the mission more, I'd have never have found out how you care. My new boyfriend. Heero Yuy. I can hear your heart beat- can you hear mine? I think you can. |