what i've kept with me
and what i've thrown away
and where the hell i've ended up
on this glary, random day

were the things i really cared about
just left along the way
for being too pent up and proud

"He's going to be just fine, Mr. Witter. The cut wasn't very deep. Apparently he didn't know what he was doing," the doctor explained.

"Thank God," Mrs. Witter whispered. She looked over at Pacey, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. She moved to stand by his side and gripped his good hand in hers.

"When can we take him home?"

"Whenever you want. Everything else seems to be okay, there's really nothing more I need to do."

"Great. Come on Pacey. Let's go home," John said softly. Pacey reluctantly pulled the covers away and climbed out of the stiff bed. His mother continued to grip his hand tightly. All four, Pacey, Mr. and Mrs. Witter, and Doug, left the room in complete silence.

***

"I can't believe they're not home again!" Joey cried. She peeked into the window by the door one more time. "This is so frustrating!"

Dawson didn't respond. He watched the patrol car pull into the driveway. Doug and Mr. Witter got out first, followed by Pacey and his mother in the back. Joey whipped around and caught her first glimpse of Pacey in weeks.

Was that really him? His normally tanned skin was a ghostly white. He looked thinner, his clothes were hanging off him. Mr. Witter's coat was draped around his shoulders and Joey saw that he was shivering. It was cold, but not that cold.

"Hi, Dawson, Joey," Doug greeted them. He unlocked the door and allowed his family to file inside before him. Dawson and Joey slipped in, too. "What are you two doing here?"

"We came to see Pacey. Is he okay?" Dawson asked as he watched Mrs. Witter usher Pacey into the kitchen.

Doug frowned. "I don't know anymore. You'll have to ask him." Confused looks appeared on their faces as Doug quietly left the room.

A few minutes later, a shivering Pacey entered the room with his mother. She whispered something in his ear and he nodded slowly. He left quickly and Mrs. Witter turned to face Dawson and Joey.

"Pacey's had a very long night. I think you two ought to come back some other time."

"Sure, later today or tomorrow?" Dawson asked.

"Call later and I'll let you know," she answered. Joey and Dawson bid her their good-byes and let themselves out the front door.

They walked in silence until they reached the colorfully decorated main street. "That was interesting," Dawson said.

"Yeah. Interesting."

woke up way too late
feeling hung over and old
and the sun was shining bright
and i walked barefoot down the road

started thinking 'bout my old man
it seems that all men
wanna get into the car and go

anywhere...

His room was dark. The red numbers of his digital clock provided the only light, a soft glow only reaching the ends of the dresser it was on.

The bed was cold and uncomfortable. It was as if he had never slept in it before. Pacey sighed and changed positions again. This irritated him almost to tears.

Now, as he assumed a fetal position he felt sleep begin to close in. That wasn't an altogether pleasant feeling. Sleep brought nightmares so vivid, so real, he woke up crying.

His eyes closed and a bright image flashed across his mind. It wasn't Mr. Bristol though, surprisingly it was Andie. It was their night on the docks before Andie left him to go to Mayfield. She looked beautiful, stunning and she had taken his breath away.

How could such a wonderful, sensitive, sweet girl like Andie hurt him so badly? Rip his heart from his chest. And to make matters worse she had done it in public. That day had been one of the worst in his life. And he had a lot of bad days.

Forcing his eyes open, he turned on the light. Looking at the clock he saw that it was only eight. Letting out a frustrated cry he switched on the television.

"Saturday, Saturday," he mumbled, "what to watch..." There was America's Most Wanted, Cops, some TV evangelist, a Comedy Central movie, and Celebrity Deathmatch. Nothing seemed inviting.

"How about a video?" Pacey nearly jumped out of bed in shock. Whoever was outside his door twisted the knob, letting themselves in.

Pacey's voice shook as he asked who was there. "It's your two favorite people!" The door swung open to reveal Dawson and Joey, at least four videos in hand. Pacey let out a whoosh of air in relief.

"You scared the shit out of me."

Joey laughed. "Don't make me wash out your mouth with soap." Pacey rolled his eyes.

Dawson collapsed onto the end of Pacey's bed. "Sure, make yourself at home..."

"Don't mind if I do." He stretched out, attempting to knock Pacey off the bed. Joey watched, a radiant smile on her face.

Pacey, red-faced and breathing hard grabbed a white T-shirt off the floor, waving it in the air. "I give up, I give up!"

"That's what I thought," Dawson said.

"Okay, what pornos did you bring for me?" Joey glared at him. "What? Do we need to have a talk, Josephine?"

"Shut up, we brought actual movies." She handed them to him.

"ET. Jurassic Park. Saving Private Ryan." He raised his eyes to Dawson. "Speilberg much? And...where's the other one?"

"We have two secret videos, actually. You'll find out eventually. Don't worry, I think you're going to enjoy this one."

"Oh yes, it's a porn." The Disney castle was drawn across the screen. "I didn't know Disney made adult films." Dawson fast-forwarded through the previews. "But they're the best part!"

Finally the title appeared. "The Mighty Ducks!" Pacey cried. "I love you guys." How on earth had the mere presence of his best friends made him so happy and at ease? There was no awkward silence, no walking on glass, they treated him normally. They treated him like an actual person. Maybe this was what he had needed all along.

He watched Joey and Dawson share one of their glances. Those two could always read each other's minds. It made him jealous, but in a happy way. One day, that could be him. Being so close to someone, loving them so much that you could tell what they were thinking. That was something to behold, and something to aim for.

"So, I assume this was a strictly social visit, that's purpose was..." He waited for them to finish.

"It's a belated birthday celebration of sorts. In case you forgot your own birthday in all the madness."

Holy shit! He really had forgotten his own birthday. It made him a little angry, but he felt better knowing they had actually remembered this year.

"Wow, you're right. I'm seventeen."

"Yeah, you were seventeen on Tuesday, hon," Joey said matter-of-factly.

"Which would explain why my situation was broadcasted for the world to see. No wonder my dad didn't throw a shit-fit."

Dawson grinned. "Well, happy birthday anyway. Tonight you can just forget about everything, okay? We'll have fun."

"Ooh, male-bonding. My favorite kind."

"A-hem. Male-bonding? When did I get a sex change?"

"Oh, right. I forgot you were here."

"Ha ha. I'd forgotten what a comedian you are."

"And am I correct in assuming you also forgot what a pleasure I am to have around?"

"Pacey, you were never a pleasure to have around. To tell you the truth, these past few weeks have been some of the best in my life. I owe you."

Dawson was now laughing hysterically. It was a day of forgetfulness. He had forgotten how funny they could be together. And how great it was to be with your best friends.

Pacey turned to Dawson, feigned disapproval on his face. "Are we amusing you?"

"Yes, yes, you are."

"Glad to be of service." Pacey turned his attention to the screen. "Now shut up and watch the movie."

Joey caught Dawson's eyes. They knew the other was thinking the same thing. In an instant they had grabbed pillows and were playfully whacking Pacey.

Laughter could be heard throughout the Witter household. It seemed out of place, but no one objected.

here i stand
sad and free
i can't cry and
i can't see
what i've done
God...what have i done?

Gail paced back and forth across her kitchen. Where was Dawson? Where was Joey? Why weren't they back? When would he call?

Finally, she gave in and called Mitch.

"Hello. Yes, it's me. No. Dawson's missing. Why would he? Mitch ... I'm perfectly aware of that. Fine. No, I'm not going to call. Good. Let me know. Good-bye."

She hung up the phone and sighed. Why couldn't they have a decent conversation anymore?

Mitch had suggested calling the Witters, but Gail didn't want to bother them. He would call instead. Now, all she had to do was wait for his call.

A few seconds later the phone rang.

"Hello? Dawson, where are you? I've been worried sick. Well, you should have called. Oh? How is he? That's good. Okay, call me in the morning then. Goodnight."

***

"My mother is so uptight lately. She thinks I'm..." Next was the word that almost came out of his mouth, but he stopped himself.

"Next?" Pacey suggested. "At least she didn't make you go home. My mother and father are in and out of here every hour on the hour."

"Why?" Joey asked.

"They think I'm going to..." Pacey let the last few words trail off. He was having a great time and didn't want to ruin anything. "Nevermind. What's the next secret video?"

Dawson studied Pacey's face intently. What he hadn't said probably had something to do with what had happened this morning. "Come on, Pacey. What is it?"

"It's nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"It isn't nothing." Suddenly the events of that morning seemed to piece together. Something was definitely wrong. "What was wrong this morning? Where were you coming from?"

Pacey shook his head and reached for Dawson's backpack at the end of the bed. Both Dawson and Joey could see a white fabric beneath the ends of Pacey's shirt. Joey grabbed at his sleeve and pushed it up his arm. It was a bandage. It was the same on his other arm.

"Is that the nothing?"

"What is this, 20 questions? I already told you I didn't want to talk about it."

"Well, we're not watching the movie until you explain."

"I can live with that."

Joey looked skeptical. "It's Wild Things," she said teasingly. "Can you live without that?"

"Seen it a dozen times."

"Why are you being so stubborn, Pacey?" Dawson asked heatedly. "We're your best friends. Can't you trust us?"

"If you were really my best friends you'd understand."

"We are your best friends and we understand, but we'd also like to know what is going on with you so we can help."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to talk about it? You guys are completely ruining this evening. You said I could just forget everything, what was that?"

"True, but this is important. We can go back to having fun once you tell us what's wrong."

"If I tell you, you won't be able to go back to having fun."

Dawson sighed in defeat. "Fine. Put the movie on, Joey." Joey looked from Dawson to Pacey, both had solemn, yet different expressions on their faces. Pacey looked like he might cry, while Dawson looked like he might scream.

"Guys, can we please just get this out in the open? It's obvious no one is going to go back to having a good time now."

Both boys glanced quickly at each other, but said nothing. "You two are so immature."

"Screw you, Joey. Why don't you just leave if you're not enjoying yourself? In fact, why don't you both just do me a big favor and leave?!"

The statement had been meant to sound commanding and cold, but was the exact opposite. Instead, his voice was shaking so badly and cracking that Pacey doubted that either of them would ever leave. This had been such a terrible day and he didn't want it to end like this.

Tears were threatening and visible, so Pacey turned away from his friends. Behind his back, Joey looked helplessly to Dawson. His stony expression had gone soft and sympathetic. He hadn't meant to make Pacey cry. Moving silently closer to Pacey, Dawson put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I'm sorry. Pacey, please tell us what happened."

"I don't want to," was his tearful reply. Joey sat down, cross-legged, on the floor in front of him. She rested her open hands on his knees and tried to get him to look at her.

"Go away. Please, just go away," he sobbed.

Dawson ignored him and moved so that he was sitting by his side. He draped his arm across Pacey's shoulders and pulled him close. Pacey continued to keep his hands covering his face, but seemed to relent a little bit.

They let him cry for a few minutes, without speaking. When he was finished, his eyes were red and his cheeks were flushed with embarrassment. He refused to remove his hands from his face, no matter how many times Joey tried to pull them away.

"Can you tell us now?" she asked softly. He nodded and, bowing his head, reached for a tissue from the night stand.

Dawson loosened his grip and sat back. Pacey took a deep breath. "Last night, I saw the ... the report. And it ... it ... it made me so ... angry ... I ..." He paused and tried to control himself. He was stuttering like an idiot and feeling more self-conscious than ever.

"I locked myself in the bathroom ... and I ... I ..." He seemed to lose steam and couldn't force himself to go on.

"It's okay, Pacey. Just tell us."

"I tried to kill myself." As if on cue, Dawson and Joey gasped simultaneously. Pacey had to laugh at the bad TV drama cliche. "But my parents and Doug came up to see if I was okay and they broke the door down. That's why we weren't home this morning, I was still in the hospital."

"Why would you do that, Pacey? Do you know how many people would be absolutely crushed if you died? Do you know how much we would miss you?" Dawson asked.

"I don't care! I did it for me! None of you have to live with this! I'm all alone and I hate it!" he screamed.

"You're not alone!" Dawson countered. "We're here for you."

"Where were you when I really needed you?! Nobody was there for me, nobody! You're all so self-centered. You didn't even notice when my life was falling apart!"

Pacey was yelling so loudly Joey wanted to cover her ears. She heard footsteps on the stairs and breathed a sigh of relief. His parents could fix this.

They didn't even bother to knock. "What's going on up here?" John Witter asked. He looked around the room. Joey looked like a deer in headlights. Dawson's face was bright red. And Pacey was sobbing and shaking. John had heard him screaming from the bottom floor.

"Dawson, I think we should go," Joey said meekly.

"That's right, run away!"

"Pacey, calm down." He moved towards his son and helped him to sit down on his bed. "Maybe you two should come back another time."

Dawson and Joey both nodded.

They left. Pacey was still crying. Mr. Witter was still trying to calm him down. Dawson had begun to cry as soon as they reached the street. Joey attempted to stay calm.

Everyone still had a long way to go for the happy ending.

Like it? Hate it? Think I'm a sicko? Feedback at [email protected]

Part 6

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