You'll Never Be The Same
Author: Kat
Rating : R for strong language
Summary: Pacey's mysterious suicide causes his friends to look into a past they would rather forget.
Classification: Dawson's Creek Other, this is not a romance.
Distribution: Anywhere, just let me know.
Author's Note: This will not be a happy story so I doubt a lot of people will jump at the chance to read it. So please send me feedback.
Disclaimer: I do not own Dawson's Creek or the Ben Folds Five song Magic.
The light switched on and everything became fuzzy. Was that screaming? Who was screaming? Finally the sounds pulled him into consciousness.
Had the dream been real? Was it a memory or just a figment of his imagination? The sound of Pacey's cries told him that it had only been a dream. Thank god.
He pulled off the covers and made his way towards Pacey's bedroom. Just as he turned the knob the cries faded and he could hear Pacey's heavy breathing. The door eased open and Pacey gasped.
"Dad," he whispered. Mr. Witter sat on the side of Pacey's bed and took his hand. "You scared me."
"Sorry, I just came to see if you were okay."
"I'll never be okay." His father nodded sadly. "But thanks." Pacey tried to make it sound as sincere as possible, but his voice had cracked and tears were blurring his vision. Mr. Witter pulled him into his arms.
"Yes, you will. Everything is going to be fine," he said soothingly. Pacey sobbed and hugged his father as tightly as he could. He was so happy that he could talk to him now and know that comfort and sympathy was available.
from the back of your big brown eyes
i knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
and i hoped you would
we could see that you weren't yourself
and the lines on your face did tell
it's just as well
you'd never be yourself again
saw you last night
dance by the light of the moon
stars in your eyes
free from the life that you know
Dawson knocked louder. The lights were on, why wasn't anyone answering? He tried again. Nothing.
Pacey had always been a good liar. And as good as he was, Dawson was equally as oblivious. But not that oblivious. He heard Pacey crying on the phone that morning and knew that it was much more that the mono bothering him.
you're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
you're the breath that blows these cool winds 'round
trading places with an angel now
Was it the dream again? It couldn't be. He was awake. Wasn't he? Please let it be the dream. He ignored the knocking and attempted to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later light poured into the room. "Dad, aren't you going to get the door?" Oh, thank god.
"Yeah, sure. Did it wake you up?"
"No, I couldn't sleep anyway." Mr. Witter nodded. He swung his legs over the bed and stood. Squeezing Pacey's arm gently as he passed, he went down to answer the door.
saw you last night
dance by the light of the moon
stars in your eyes
free from the life that you knew
saw you last night
stars in your eyes
smiled in my room
Just as Dawson was about to walk away the door swung open. "Dawson, I'm sorry about that. I didn't hear you knocking until just now."
Dawson smiled and stepped in. "No problem, Mr. Witter. It is kind of late." He shrugged off his coat and Mr. Witter winced. This scene was all too familiar. He almost had the nerve to ask Dawson if he was real.
"Pacey awake?"
"Yes, he is. Upstairs."
"Thanks." Dawson bounded up the steps and Mr. Witter sighed and slowly followed him. Please let Pacey be alive.
Dawson knocked softly and twisted the knob to get into Pacey's room. It opened easily and he stepped inside. It was dark.
"Dad?"
"Nope." He heard Pacey's breathing quicken. "It's just me."
"Me being..."
"Dawson, Dawson Leery. Do you remember me, old buddy?" He flicked on the lights and Pacey laughed.
He scratched his chin. "Hm, Dawson Leery. I don't think I know a Dawson Leery."
"Ha ha. Quickly changing subject. How've you been, man?" Dawson watched as Pacey did a dead-on impression of a clam.
"Fine."
"Oh, so that's why you were crying on the phone this morning. Explains everything."
"I'm really fine, Dawson. Really."
"Why do you keep lying to me Pacey?" Pacey felt his lower lip begin to tremble. Should he just tell Dawson the truth? No, he wouldn't understand.
"I'm not lying," he replied in a quiet voice. Dawson snorted. "I'm not!"
"Pacey, just tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing is wrong, I'm just sick."
"No, you aren't! I can tell because I had mono once myself. And you clearly don't." Damn, damn, damn. How could I forget that?
"Look, I think I know what's going on here, Pace, so stop freaking out." Pacey took a deep breath. "I just can't believe your dad let you stay home because of Andie."
Pacey tried not to cry from relief. "What?"
"I understand that you were in love with her, but you've missed weeks of school! I bet she isn't this miserable." Pacey closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. Might as well play along.
"I know, I know." A few tears slipped out and Dawson became sympathetic. If only he knew the real reason. This was it. The moment when Pacey could finally come clean. He was so sick of having to hide everything from everybody. And he had a feeling his father was beginning to break under the stress of his confidant role.
"Dawson, I'm not home because of Andie." Dawson looked confused. He sat down on the edge of Pacey's bed. "And I do know who was raped."
"Who? Why?" Pacey bit his lower lip and wiped his eyes. "Pacey, please tell me."
"I'm home because it was me. Mr. Bristol," he paused realizing that he had never actually said the words, "raped me." There, it was out. He finally said it and on some level accepted it. The pain didn't go away but seemed to diminish momentarily. Now he could begin to heal.
But this newfound strength would never prepare him for Dawson's reaction. Ever.
Like it? Hate it? Think I'm a sicko? Feedback at [email protected]
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