i thought about sitting on the floor in second grade
i couldn't keep up the pace
i thought i was the only one moving in slow motion
while the other kids knew something i did not
but if i acted like a clown
i thought it'd get me through, it did
but that don't work no more
you're not a kid no more
i thought i'd do some travelling
never did

regrets, regrets

i thought about the hours wasted
watching t.v., drinking beer
i thought about the things i thought about
until immobilized with fear
and all the great ideas i had
and how we just made fun
of those who had the guts to try and fail
and then i ended up in jail

regrets, regrets

The water was scalding hot, but it didn't feel hot enough. Even the burning water couldn't wash away what had just happened. Pacey scrubbed his entire body over and over again.

He still felt dirty. His skin was bright red from the water, but he didn't care. Why wouldn't it all just wash away?

His mind was screaming for him to get out of the shower and run to his father. Tell him everything. But another part of him was saying that no one would ever believe him. A teacher's word over Pacey's? That's all he had to go on. In other words, he was doomed.

Mr. Bristol's words were etched in his mind. They made him feel disgusting. He had never felt this way before.

"This is all your fault, Pacey. It's your fault for being so handsome."

Was it really his fault? Yes, of course. It had to be his fault. Maybe he had given out some sort of "rape me" vibe. That was ludicrous. It wasn't his fault. Yes, it was!

Pacey leaned against the tile and turned off the water. His lower lip began to tremble and a loud sob erupted from his throat.

"This is all your fault, Pacey. No one will ever believe you. It's you fault for being so handsome. How do you expect me to resist that?"

Tears flowed down his cheeks. It was his fault. How could he keep this a secret? How could he live with this every single day?

It didn't matter now. He would have to go after school again tomorrow. What if he didn't go?

"If you don't come I'll call your parents and tell them that you're failing."

"What if I tell them what you did to me?"

"Do that and I'll tell them you came on to me! I'll tell them you're gay and you're in love with me! I'll tell the principal you tried to seduce me."

"But that's not true!"

"Is it?"

***

People stared as he walked through the halls. Thankfully they believed it was because of Andie. Not the real reason he was in so much pain.

And it wasn't just emotional. He wished that was all it was. Every part of his body ached. He had bruises in places he couldn't mention. It also felt like he had third degree burns from the four burning showers he had taken.

He tried to control the tears as all the memories from the night before came rushing back. He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Dawson approaching.

"Pacey. Hellooo! Pacey!" Pacey jumped. "Sorry, man. You okay?" Pacey nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"Well, you look like hell."

"Thanks."

"Sorry." He leaned against the locker next to Pacey's. "Have trouble sleeping?"

"Yeah."

"I've been there. When Joey broke up with me I couldn't sleep for a week."

"That helps." Dawson winced.

"I just can't seem to say the right thing today. I'm really sorry. But it does get better." Pacey smiled.

"Thanks, Dawson." Dawson looked confused. Were those tears in Pacey's eyes?

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good."

...but just for a day
seems the police had made a computer mistake
said there must be thousands like me with the
same name
anyway, i thought about the things i settled for
or never tried
i never visited my grandma once
when she was sick before she died
so i don't blame you if you never come to see me
here again

regrets, regrets

"I don't want to do this." Mr. Bristol frowned.

"I know." Pacey bit his lip. "But this isn't about you, Pacey. It's about me. And I need you."

"Why?!"

"I told you yesterday." He began to loosen his tie and unbutton his shirt. It made Pacey want to throw up. Yesterday he had.

"Don't make this harder for yourself. No one is ever going to believe you." Pacey sobbed. "Stop it." He did.

"Today it's your turn."

"My turn for what?"

"I think you know what I mean."

He did.

i thought i was the only one moving in slow motion
while the other kids knew something i did not
but if i acted like a clown
i thought it'd get me through, it did
but that don't work no more
you're not a kid no more

regrets, regrets

Pacey stumbled into the house. It was late and he tried very carefully not to make too much noise. He wasn't successful.

First, he crashed into a small coffee table sending a pile of his mother's magazines crashing to the floor. Next he crashed into a chair that toppled over onto the wooden floor. All the while tears were streaming down his face.

Obviously someone had heard him and the lights came on. "Pacey?" came a groggy voice.

"Yeah, Dad. Sorry about all the noise." He wiped his eyes and began to pick up the magazines. His father joined him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"What's wrong? Where were you?" Pacey sobbed. Stop it! You have to keep under control. "Pacey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just had to stay after school for some extra help." His father stopped Pacey's hand with his own. He dropped the magazine and broke down in tears. How was he going to explain this?

"Pacey, please tell me what's wrong." When Pacey didn't answer he pulled him in for a hug. "Pacey, please. You can tell me."

Pacey shook his head violently. "No, I can't! I'm fine, I'm just tired." He stood and ran up the stairs. Once inside his bedroom he locked the door and made it into his bathroom just in time to vomit in the sink.

Afterwards, he turned on the shower as hot as it could go. He stayed in until the water became cold. Wrapping a towel around his body he collapsed into bed and fell into a fitful, restless sleep.

Like it? Hate it? Think I'm a sicko? Feedback at [email protected]

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