there was a time when i had nothing to explain
oh, this mess i have made
but then things got complicated
my innocence has all but faded
oh, this mess i have made

and i don't believe in god
so i can't be saved
all alone as i've learned to be
in this mess i've made

all the untested virtue
all the things i said i'd never do
least of all to you
i know he's kind and true
i know that he is good to you
he'll never care more for you than i do

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

Pacey stared gloomily down at his desk. Things were just getting worse by the second. How could he have failed this test? Now he would have to stay after school and discuss it with Mr. Bristol.

Great. The guy was a total freak, but for some reason he loved Pacey. Time to pour on the charm, he thought. He raised his hand and waited patiently for Mr. Bristol to call on him.

"Pacey! Do you have a question?" Pacey tried to hold back his laughter at the teacher's stance. His hands were in his pants, wriggling furiously. The rest of the class had noticed, too and began to whisper.

"Yes, I do." He hated this part. The rest of the class always gave him shit for being such a suck-up. "Will you be available after school to discuss our grades?" The class groaned in unison.

Mr. Bristol smiled. "Of course. But I have a teacher's meeting until five, so come by around five-thirty."

"Five-thirty?!" Pacey cleared his throat. "Isn't that a little late?"

"Why yes, but if your grade is really important to you, Pacey, you'll come anyway." He pulled one hand out of his pocket and rubbed his chin. "Is it important to you, Pacey?"

The class burst out laughing. They knew what his answer would be. "Yes, of course it's important."

"Then you'll be here at five-thirty?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now will everyone please take out their Writer's Craft textbooks? I'll be coming around to check your homework." As Pacey reached into his bookbag, Grant Bodine leaned over to him.

"Congratulations, Witter."

"On what?"

"Your date with Bristol tonight. I hope you enjoy yourself." He smiled wickedly and sat back in his chair. Pacey balled up his fists and tried to control his anger. As Mr. Bristol walked by his desk a few kids made kissing noises. Pacey was furious, but his teacher didn't even notice.

but i don't believe in love
and i can't be changed
all alone as i've learned to be
in this mess
i have made the same mistakes
over and over again

"Andie! Andie, wait!" Pacey struggled to keep his bag over his shoulder while trying to zip it shut at the same time. Why was she ignoring him? "Andie!"

Finally she whipped around. "What?!" she snapped. Pacey took a step back. She smoothed her hair nervously. "I said, what?"

He gulped at her tone. What had he done? "I just wanted to say hi. Hi." He smiled, but it didn't last very long. She wasn't happy with his answer.

"Pacey, I'm not in the mood."

"You're not in the mood to say hello to your boyfriend?"

"No, I'm not in the mood to say hello to my ex-boyfriend." She turned and began walking down the hallway. Pacey felt a lump beginning to form in his throat.

Had he just been dumped? What had gone wrong? Did he say something? Had he casually flirted with another girl without realizing it? Not that anyone would give him the time of day, but still. He searched his brain for a reason, but came up with nothing.

"Andie!" He ran after her. She turned to face him.

"Pacey, I told you I wasn't in the mood. How many times do I have to say it for you to understand?"

"Are you dumping me?"

"Ding, ding, ding! Give the man a prize!" She smiled sarcastically. "I met someone who has a mind of his own. So," she brought her finger to her mouth in mock thought, "that means you and I are through." Her mouth formed an O of surprise. "Good-bye, Pacey."

She twirled around and slipped into a classroom. Pacey felt his heart shatter along with the slamming door. He had never imagined Andrea McPhee, the love of his life, could be so cruel. After all he had done for her she had dropped him as soon as something better had come along.

People were staring at him. He looked around nervously and tried not to cry. Since when are you such a wuss, Witter? He closed his eyes. You've always been a wuss he concluded.

His eyes were beginning to sting and the lump in his throat had grown considerably. Pushing his way through a small crowd, he ran as fast as he could to the boys' bathroom where he could be alone.

there are rooms in this house that i don't
open anymore
dusty books of pictures on the floor
that she will never see
she'll never see that part of me
i want to be for her
what i could never be for you

but i don't believe in god
so i can't be saved
all alone as i've learned to be
in this mess i have made

The lunch bell rang shrilly throughout the school. Students spilled from ending classes into the hallway. Pacey splashed cool water onto his face and hoped that the redness in his eyes wouldn't be too obvious. Andie couldn't see him like this. She couldn't see how badly she had hurt him.

He stopped at his locker and fumbled with the combination. His vision was blurred by unshed tears and his fingers felt completely numb. Would he ever be able to function without her? Hopefully.

People whispered as he walked by. His loser status would inevitably return. Thanks a lot, Andie, he thought bitterly. He was shaken out of his thoughts by a slap on the back from Grant Bodine.

"This may just work out for you, Witter." Pacey stared directly into Grant's eyes.

"How's that?"

"Now you're single for Bristol. You two can live happily ever after!" Everyone around them started to crack up.

"Fuck you, Grant."

"That job's reserved for a certain teacher we all know. Sorry." Damn, Pacey thought. Grant didn't miss a beat. He took a deep breath and headed towards the cafeteria, trying to ignore the catcalls and laughter that followed him.

Dawson waved to him as he entered the large room. Pacey smiled and headed over. He attempted nonchalance and asked the usual questions. But Dawson wasn't that blind.

"I heard," he said after a few moments of silence. Pacey looked up. "I'm really sorry, man."

"Thanks." Dawson didn't know what to say to comfort him. Instead he put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. This display of sympathy was certainly not helping Pacey keep his emotions in check. He gently removed Dawson's hand and kept his eyes fixed on his tray.

"I know you're really upset right now, but you're the only person I can tell." Pacey smiled.

"What?"

"I have a date with Joey tonight!" Dawson seemed to be bubbling over with excitement. Pacey hadn't seen him this happy in a long time.

"Joey Potter?"

"Yes, Joey Potter! My Joey." He bit his lip. "I am so happy, Pacey. You have no idea."

"Oh, yes I do. I've watched you sulk for months. This is definitely an improvement." Dawson beamed.

"Okay, maybe you have some idea."

***

Pacey checked his watch for what seemed like the thirtieth time. Mr. Bristol was fifteen minutes late. What a way to spend his Friday night. Finally, he heard the familiar sound of his teacher's ridiculous steel-toed loafers.

"I am so sorry I'm late, Pacey. Were you waiting very long?" He reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He flipped through them and put the right one into the lock and opened the door. Pacey stepped inside.

"As a matter of fact, I was." Mr. Bristol set his briefcase onto his desk and pulled out some papers.

"I'm so sorry. Why don't you have a seat and we'll get started." Pacey nodded and took the first seat directly in front of the teacher's desk. But for some reason Mr. Bristol didn't sit down. Instead he walked over to the door, shut it, locked it and pulled down the small shade used for keeping privacy during tests.

Pacey became confused. "What are you doing?" Mr. Bristol turned around and leaned against the door. He smiled almost seductively.

"Pacey, I have a confession to make." He bit his lip playfully and Pacey felt an overwhelming feeling of dread come over him. "You didn't fail that test. I changed your answers."

The feeling switched to rage. "What?! You made me fail!" Mr. Bristol shook his head.

"No. I did it so you would stay after. I'm going to change the grade, Pacey. As soon as I get what I want."

"What do you want?" he asked. Now he was getting very nervous. Was Bristol coming on to him? How could he get out of it?

"You, Pacey. I want you." Those words sounded so familiar. Of course. He had said them once. To Tamara. "And if I don't get what I want, somebody's grade is going to suffer. And that somebody will be you."

Pacey drummed his fingers on the desk nervously. "This is a joke, right?"

"This is no joke." Pacey had never been so scared in all his life.

"But you can't do this. It isn't right! And I don't like...I don't...I don't like men, Mr. Bristol. And even if I did..." He ran out of excuses. This was going to happen no matter what he said.

Mr. Bristol walked over to him. He placed both hands on Pacey's shoulders and began a sort of awkward massage. Pacey thought he might cry.

"Just relax..."


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Prolouge

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