Unrelated Thoughts To Ponder
Some of these are attributed to George Carlin, some came from various other sources, especially my dad. Please let me know if any are listed more than once.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Do optimistic pessimists look forward to being disappointed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Is it true that Fox Mulder can't use Microsoft Internet Explorer because somebody deleted his Active-X Files?
Why, in the swimsuit competition, do we never actually get to see the swimsuits competing?
Does Captain Kirk know about Microsoft's "Enterprise" editions of various software packages?
Did you ever notice that if you take "StarTrek" apart, you get "start rek," which is an inventive way of spelling "start wreck?"
Wouldn't it be neat if the U.S. presidential debates were held in the form of Jeopardy games? I can see it all now... the camera focuses on Pat Buchanan's face, and the announcer says "This... is... Jeopardy." Truer words...
Would you call 1,000 graham crackers a kilograham?
Did you ever notice those people who say "Quote... unquote?" How do you unquote somebody?
And while we're on the topic, why do they say "Quote, unquote" at the beginning of the quote? Shouldn't they say "Quote" at the beginning, and "End quote" at the end?
If four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum, what does the other dentist recommend?
Should the inventor of a telephone that doesn't ring be nominated for the no bell prize?
What is it called when you forget that you have amnesia?
Is it true that they don't hold "swim meets" at the beach because sharks have problems with homonyms?
How can you distinguish between a regular period and an italicized period?
What would you say if I were to ask you a hypothetical question?
Consider the bumper sticker that says Honk if your horn's broken!
But... never honk if the bumper sticker says Please be patient--I'm reloading.
If a cop arrests a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
"Winners never quit, and quitters never win, but those who never quit and never win are idiots." --Thanks Landon
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
When sign-makers go on strike, what do they put on their signs?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Think about this... Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939. Both assassins were know by their three names. Both names compromise fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Why do banks charge you an insufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts?"
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the driver end up owing you money?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If a deaf and mute child swears, does his mother threaten to wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
43% of all statistics are useless.
Why is everything that's written on the road written backwards? (i.e. "STOP AHEAD" would be "AHEAD STOP.")
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How would we measure hail without golf balls?
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I think of my body as a temple, or at least a reasonably well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!
Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots. --Thank you again Landon
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the word "Arkansas" is pronounced "Arkansaw," why isn't "Kansas" pronounced "Kansaw"?
If there's one thing I can9t stand, it's intolerance.
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
If we are to better the future, we must disturb the present.
If you believe everything is going well, you probably don't know what's going on.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.
If you don't know what you're saying, stop talking.
If you never go off on a tangent, you are doomed to going in circles.
If you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose--until you lose.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up, gets it backwards.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn.
No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
Opportunities are not lost, they just go to someone else.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Past President Clinton has voiced support for school uniforms to cut down on violence. Yeah, it sure has done wonders for the Postal Service.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're okay, you're it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Rumor travels faster, but it doesn't stay as long as truth!
Schizophrenia beats the heck out of being alone.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some minds are like concrete-- all mixed up and permanently set.
Some people are wise, and some are otherwise.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Success is generally due to holding on...and failure to letting go.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best reason for the right thing today is tomorrow.
The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Search for something you've lost for months, then buy a replacement and it'll turn up the same day.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who can count & those who can't.
There are three ways to get something done: 1. do it yourself, 2. hire someone, 3. forbid your kids to do it.
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
Things are more like they are today then they ever were before.
Those with the best advice usually offer no advice.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When at loss for the right word to say...try silence.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you're in up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do STAND-up comedians star in SITcoms?
Why, in a country where there is free speech, there are phone bills?
Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
Would a fly without wings be a "walk"?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Also check out: Quotes
Last updated Tuesday, August 14, 2001
Katie Tyson