DogsDogs
Wellness Tips From Dogs
When riding in a car, allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing or pout, run right back and make friends.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal, Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them...gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Other Dog Quotes (with a little cat thrown in here and there):
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"
--Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager and said "Moo".
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."The Taco Bell chihuahua, a doberman, and a bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The collie says, "That's not good enough."
The bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the chihuahua says, "Liver alone--cheese mine."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
NEW DOG BREEDS!
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Bloodhound + Labrador=Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Collie + Lhasa Apso=Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow=Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
=Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas petGreat Pyrenees + Dachshund
=Pyradachs, a puzzling breedPekingese + Lhasa Apso
=Peekasso, an abstract dogIrish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
=Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistleLabrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever=Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
=Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisorsTerrier + Bulldog
=Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakesCollie + Malamute
=Commute, a dog that travels to workDeerhound + Terrier
=Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
* "Experience comes from bad judgment."
-- Mark Twain
Last updated August 21, 2001
Katie Tyson