| Katiekins Presents... The Redneck Christmas Special |
| To: All concerned From: Santa Claus I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. I am sure, however, that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us. 1. There is no danger that the Grinch will steal your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that the children leave him an RC Cola and some pork rines (or a moon pie) by the fireplace. Also, Bubba does not smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuf, though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sliegh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer once, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear, "On Commet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliot and Petty..." 5. "Ho Ho Ho!" has been replaced with "Yee Haw!" and you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern Highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemitte Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off!" 7. The usual Christmas movies such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into eachother. 8. Bubba Claus does not wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when Bubba bends over to put the presents under the tree. Sincerly Yours, Santa Claus Memeber of North American Fairies and Elves Union 1225 |
| This is not a piece of my own writing, but rather taken from an e-mail sent to me by a friend. The author is unknown to me. (Don't blame me, I didn't send any of my writing over the internet without my name attatched). |