These poems are organized from the most recent to the oldest, based on my view that my poetry is much better now than it was five years ago. Take what you like and leave the rest. These poems span six years. Many of the poems from 2002 were written during the year I was in Japan.
You appear in my dreams
Not as often as you used to
But often enough.
I remembered
A train in Japan
A reunion, at long last
Your body, warm, comforting behind mine
Evidence of your desire pressed against me
The scenery sped by in a blur
My focus on the connection between our bodies
Breath changing, quickening
Months of cold, lonely isolation
Finally at an end.
So much history.
So many memories
Of a time when I loved and was loved.
People fall in and out of love everyday, I tell myself.
My case is not unique, nor special
Even now, I don�t understand
How did you stop loving me?
What did I do wrong?
If I had done some things differently, tried harder
Would I still be by your side?
I loved you so much
I love you so much
They say, �your future was never with anyone who left.�
I keep telling myself that.
You�re not worthy of the love that continues to bloom, unbidden in my heart
You left me.
You left me
Why does that still hurt so much?
Another abandonment in a long line of abandonment
Another disappointment, another bloom of love in my heart let down
I trusted you
I believed you
I wanted to believe in you.
You were the highest in my life.
No one could compare to you.
I never looked at other men; my first thought every day
Of you. My first desire upon returning home
To be with you.
I fight daily against this continuance of love unbidden
Tear it down with words, with self-directed anger
With dreams of someone else, who will love me more than you ever did.
They say it takes half the time of a love lived
To get over love�s loss.
Another year, then
By Christmas next
Hopefully
I won�t ever think of you anymore.
Your love, our lovemaking
A shadowy, dim, dull memory darkened by time
And rendered unimportant, finally
By a better love.
(2005)
Flowing Like Water
We meshed so seamlessly
As though we were never apart
The conversation flowing like water
My words completing your sentences.
The same meal,
Your favorites imprinted on my brain.
Our voices, so comfortable together
How can it be the same?
The presence and absence
of love
Unnoticeable.
And yet-
Im my heart
The same love flows
Like water
And the absence in yours
the same as well.
Perhaps it was like this all along
And
I never knew.
The hug, goodbye
so casual
And yet-
I rubbed your back
Finding comfort in you
like a child.
My unshed tears
Flowing like water.
(2005)
There is a simple joy
That comes from loving
and giving
and caring.
Of seeing something in a store
And thinking, "He would really like that."
Of coming home
and being taken care of.
Of cooking and serving
Someone besides oneself.
Of folding someone's clothes
And mending torn ones.
There was a simple joy
in loving
and giving
and caring
for you.
I miss that simple joy.
(2005)
Grief-
for a life in ruins.
All my hopes for the future
Utterly
Utterly
demolished.
The love of my life,
The family I so hopefully imagined
gone.
The plan for my future,
The career- the path I so lovingly cherished
closed.
I have nothing left to hope for.
But the future comes anyway.
(2005)
Games of the heart-
Cruel and devious games indeed.
Hope rises
falls
is crushed.
Like a wilted flower
it sinks to the ground
bowed with the weight of the rain.
Dreams
desires
wishes
crumble
Unsteady towers crafted
With a child's hand
clumsy
unexperienced.
The child has a choice-
to rebuild, learning from mistakes
hoping that this time,
this time-
She will get it right.
Or
She can put away the blocks
older
wiser
more skeptical
knowing that her vision
towers of blocks
dreams
desires
wishes
hope
standing tall-
Is unrealistic, unreachable
a childish dream.
However...
Even when the older, wiser child puts away her blocks
Somewhere, inside
A little child hopes.
In her heart
The flower blooms again
pure, untouched, immortal.
(2005)
I cried for you today
Your picture, so familiar and painful
My pain, submerged
I pulled it out
Like a rusty nail out of an old board
Rubbed it like a scar half-forgotten
Felt the grief rise anew, the loss
Forgotten but not gone.
I thought I had stopped loving you.
I was wrong.
(2005)
I dreamt last night
That I went back in time
To a time when you still loved me.
I threw my arms around you and hugged you tight;
Savored the feel of your strong, familiar body in my arms.
You laughed, and said �What�s the matter?� or something like that;
To which I replied: �You don�t understand, when I wake up,
you won�t love me anymore.�
I hugged you again, tightly- holding you to myself, the goodbye I never said.
You laughed again and brushed my hair off my face; then your arms held me tight.
I called in sick to work today, and spent half the day in bed, trying to fall back asleep.
(2005)
Bird wings swiftly
Carried by the current
Driven by the whim of the moment.
Do they feel joy in flight?
One bird is carried away
From her heart�s desire
By the cold, biting wind.
No mere whim- but a desire
As strong as instinct
Drives her to fly recklessly
Hopelessly
Into the wind.
But no matter how I beat my wings,
No matter how I mantle and scream
At the cold, unfeeling wind-
I am driven farther and farther
From your warm embrace.
(2005)
Anger is a reaction to pain.
Anger helps to shield from and deal with pain.
Your absence and continued presence in my life
Causes me more pain than anyone or anything else in my life
Ever.
Anger is in proportion to pain.
Therefore, my feelings for you can best be expressed in a phrase of three words:
I HATE YOU.
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
YOU SELFISH BASTARD.
GO TO HELL.
Any of these phrases will work- take your pick.
Sincerely,
Your ex-girlfriend
(2005)
I no longer have a gaping hole,
A wound,
Where you used to be.
It has scarred over
And I am once again
Whole.
Although
Occasionally
The scar aches
With the faint memory
Of your presence and absence.
(2005)
Profanity and Other Expressions
You bastard
You son of a bitch
You mother-fucker
All of the bad words I don�t like to say
Come pouring out of my mouth
In rage
In fear
Why do I care about you?
Why can�t I let you go?
Why won�t you die, you fucking piece of shit
And leave me alone?
If you don�t love me,
Why don�t you have the good grace
To get the hell out of Dodge,
Blow this popstand,
Make like a tree and leave,
Get out of my head, goddammit!
Get out!
Get out!
I don�t want to need you!
I don�t want to think about you!
I wish you were dead-
But not really.
I just want you to disappear
Off the face of the planet
Out of sight, out of mind.
If only it were that easy.
(2005)
These scars,
The product of many sleepless nights,
Aided by the salve of my tears,
Mend the broken pieces of my heart
Into a whole.
And now,
Here you are-
A peace offering stretched out
Within my grasp.
My heart shudders
Beats with feeling
With joy.
But that same beat
Produces an ache-
Every throb a reminder of the scars that bind my heart.
Which is greater?
The joy or the pain?
I cannot tell.
And so I hesitate, torn
Unable to choose.
(2005)
Every person a substitute for you
Every moment agony without you
Wondering where you are
Who you�re with
Crying great gasping sobs
Like a fish out of water
Begging for someone to throw me back in
I�d give half my life
Or more even
Just to be back with you, loved by you, held by you
I cry and I cry, but no one comes
No comforting hand or voice
No end to this nightmare of life without you
But unable to forget my responsibilities
Unable to choose to end it all
I�m stuck here, in this silent empty room
No friend calling to see how I am
Why am I so unworthy of love
That neither friend nor lover darkens my door
No end to the tears, no end to the pain
Except when sleep finds me, an escape from my life
What reason have I to go on without you?
What reason have I to live through my life?
I have family
I have debts
I have responsibilities galore
But none of them impel me to live
Just to survive, nothing more
When will my life begin again?
When will I stop missing your voice?
When will I stop wondering how you are,
And if you miss me at all.
I�m stuck in the limbo of life without love,
Unable to live,
Unable to die.
Dragging myself from one day to the next,
Wanting to die, wanting to die.
(2005)
Dark Hours in Japan
What a lonely place
This dark hour
Dark room
With neither light nor life
But for myself
I lay awake
Tortured by what I know not
Though the sweetness of sleep eludes me
Yet nothing at all calls to me.
The lights outside have dimmed
In the cold, lonely hall
The cicadas have ended their song
And all that remains
Is myself.
I am not fit company for man nor beast
At this cold, lonely hour
And both the people without
And the person within
Shun me with equal disdain.
And so, I wait
For the end of exile
For freedom
For morning
(2002)
My angel
My life seems so dark and cold
Here tonight.
My thoughts as cold and bare
As the trees in the deepest of winter.
No feelings in my heart but pain
Sadness
Loneliness
Despair
My future seems so bleak
Without you in it.
I miss you day and night
And only the faint hope
That your sun will once again shine
On this cold and lonely tree
Keeps the sap quickening in my veins
And my heart beating from deep within.
(2002)
Goodnight my love
I think of you from half a world away
And somehow
You seem more real
Than my present half-existence
Here, without you.
I go to sleep, praying
That somehow the angels
Will speed me to you, if only
In my dreams.
(2002)
Daydream
You are in my thoughts
Night and day
I see your picture
And it sends me to you
I kiss your lips
Crying with happiness
Then shake myself awake
And blink away the tears.
(2002)
In Exile
Whenever I think of you, my chest aches.
Inside me, there is something missing.
It is my heart, which lies across the stormy seas
Enfolded in your hands.
Please, take good care of it for me, until I return;
And until then, there will always be an ache
Inside of me, longing to return to you.
(2002)
A House
A house empty but for one
is a sad and lonely thing.
Belongings lie untended and dusty,
the walls resound with white emptiness,
and the silence reigns, but for one.
My typing breaks the silence, and in the shadows of dusk
I hear the wind chimes singing softly.
A kitchen, full of crumbs, shows lack of care
and lack of meals eaten there.
A fireplace, cold and bare,
no warmth fills this house.
The phone waits by me, a silent companion,
and I sit in emptiness, my heart
tired and alone.
The chimes fall silent; there is only myself
and the white, empty walls.
(1999)
There is a hole in my heart
an empty, dark void
a vacuum that pulls my throat shut
and brings tears to my eyes.
I miss you so deeply that I weep even as I write.
That hole in my heart ceases briefly to exist
as I take a quick breath, then let it out,
expelling some of the darkness within.
I lay huddled in my blankets, with the light on,
hoping that the light and warmth will penetrate the sadness that fills me.
I want to let out long, mournful cries
that will express the darkness and expel it.
the void created by your absence
is the hole in my heart.
(1999)