| To John- concluded Did you see it, John? Did you? Did you care that we were hurting? Did you even think about what the hell you were doing to us when you locked that door and picked up Daddy's gun? Did you have second thoughts when the cold metal touched under your jaw and you pulled the trigger? Did you feel anything when your head exploded and a bullet imbedded in the wall behind you? Did you care that all the people you smiled at, said hi to, all the people you touched, would remember and wish they could have stopped you? No one expected you to do this, John. Sure, you were messed up. You had problems. But everyone has problems. If you had let us, maybe we could have helped. Everyone knew you were an addict. Everyone knew you went in and out of rehab seven times. But that didn't mean everything. Didn't you realize that, John, that all problems come to an end eventually? Didn't you think of that, as you said goodbye to all the people you once said hello to, went home, and grabbed the gun? I wonder about you, John. I wonder what you were like. Everyone said you were the last one they would have expected to buckle. You were a bright shining star that shared his light with everyone else, and suddenly you vanished- like a candle blown out. If only there hadn't been that gun, John. Maybe you would have changed your mind if it hadn't looked so easy... if that oblivion hadn�t loomed so near, so accessible. But now it�s too late to stop you- you�re locked away somewhere, and we can�t reach you. I�ll never be able to see for myself what you look like when you smile, whether you can remember my name the next time we meet. I can only hear about how you would have been, if you hadn't gone. I didn�t know that you smiled through your addiction, your withdrawal, and gave what you never had. And no one knew that when you quit cold turkey one day, you would take your own life before letting yourself relapse. But the fact that you couldn�t be strong enough to fight it- the fact that you gave in, you gave up, you left us here behind to mourn and wonder why you never asked for help, it broke us. It left us frozen, watching each other, wondering what other secrets lay hidden. Wondering who was next. Amazing, how a person who thought their life was worth so little, could come to mean so much. I wish I'd known you. For Dominick Veltri, 1981-1999 |