| Three Years of Renewal |
| I continue to see this horrid disease steal life from me. People often question me if I still consider the DBS effective, to which my immediate response is YES! I underwent this procedure fully understanding that it is not the cure, but a band-aid. Yes, I still need to accommodate to function somewhat normally. The beauty of the device is that combined with the right meds, it can continue to be "tweaked" to help as the progression continues. Although I still experience bouts of depression, I feel under my present life circumstances, I am handling life's challenges remarkably well. I'm not sure whether the anti-depressants, or just the daily pain from the dystonia is to blame, but I longer hide my feelings. This is good for venting, yet I wonder if I may come off as "too bitchy". I have always spoken my mind before PD, so I view it as a true indication of my own personality. I was recently described as "headstrong"....yep that's me. When I am determined to fight for what's right or wrong, I am very headstrong. I will not apologize to no one for that personality trait. My beliefs are my own, and if someone disagrees, it's their choice to do so. Physically, I see a reflection in the mirror that is not me. I see an old woman, out of shape, looking as though she's been hell and back. The once "twinkle" in my eyes have been replaced with eyes that are shadowed with many wrinkles, and a deeper look shows the pain and suffering. I try not to look around at others my age for comparison, which deep in my heart and soul, I know that I should not do. Physically, I am disgusted at how my body fails me. Emotionally, I see a middle-aged woman struggling to find relief of life's struggles. I must continue to fight depression each day. As my mother once told me--"dig into your pockets, there is more strength in there". Spiritually, I find comfort in God and faith. Never before have I had this feeling of closeness with Him. We all ask God to help us, to answer our prayers, but with life's busy schedules, it is hard to find time to "hear His answers". I have learned that pain will be with me for a long time. The dystonia (severe, involuntary muscle cramping) has invaded my left extremities. Wearing other shoes than sneakers is no longer an option for me. Sleeping in bed is uncomfortable, between the spasms, and choking on saliva, so now my bed is my recliner. My children are adapting better to all of this than sometimes I think I am. They only remember me with Parkinson's. But I remember differently. Don't look back, Kathleen!! Don't ever look back, because today is your life now. Live for today, not the past or future.... |