Hello? IRS?

by Kathy Flake

April’s answer to the Ides of March–aka Tax Day–will soon be upon us. For the first time, I owe the government money, rather than the other way around. So now I’m scrambling for deductions along with the rest of the filthy rich--and doggedly creative. I’ve already deducted most of my writing expenses--the reams of paper I’ve bought, postage, mileage back and forth to the LERA meetings. (If I walk, can I deduct the cost of sneakers?)

But then it gets tricky. Some of my deductions are a little–odd. In fact, I can just imagine the conversation I’ll have with the IRS agent who audits me:

ME: "This one? It’s for Pez dispensers. My hero collects them. And no, Monopoly Junior’s not a new plotting book. It’s a boardgame my characters play on their first date."

IRS: "And this check for dinner at The Greens in San Francisco? Treating a prospective agent?"

ME: "Of course not. My characters were having dinner there. I wanted to check out the menu first. I was so glad to see they serve Dom Perignon!"

IRS: "I guess that would explain the cookbook?"

ME: "My heroine was hungry for pasta."

IRS: "Okay, but what about the stock purchase? What does that have to do with writing?"

ME: "Well, how else am I going to learn my way around the NYSE? By the way, I’m considering engaging in insider trading--I need to know what it’s like to be investigated by the SEC. The fine IS deductible, right?"

IRS: "Uhhh..."

ME: "Oh, and did I mention another character is considering doing some computer hacking on the side--of course, I’ll be deducting my attorney fees..."

IRS: "Why don’t we discuss this check for linens? Let me guess--your hero’s bedsheets, right?"

ME: "Oh, no! Those are for the bed in my office! Where else do you think I make up this stuff?"

Welcome to the Lies of April. The day we give to Ceasar his due, or to Uncle Sam the fruits of our labor–in twelve point Courier, preferably.