Vacation From Hell
by Kathy P
Title: Vacation From Hell
Author: Kathy P
Summary: Uh, crazy times?
Rating: Hmm..Maybe PG-13 for dark thoughts.
Pairing: G/B natch!
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did I'm sure they
would run screaming off into the night.
Warning: Character massacre ahead. I've not only
massacre them..I've slaughtered them. The blood. All
that red blood! Hmmm..do Cardassians have red blood?
Anyhoo....I hope you enjoy my little comedy aka farce
aka work of insanity.
This little piece of insanity was the direct results of a challenge posted by Java to the garak/bashir list. The first line had to be: "Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass can't handle." And in the story you have to include:
1)spatula must be mentioned
2)a tetherball
3)a goat (don't ask...)
4)R2-D2 must make an appearance (we're watching Star Wars)
5)a geographical argument must occur
6) someone is in a kilt (it could be the goat if your muse wants)
Vacation From Hell
by Kathy P
"Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass
can't handle," Garak said slyly as he looked at his
fatigued young lover, not so covertly eyeing the
tanned legs that were shown off by a pair of khaki
shorts.
Julian dropped gracelessly onto a bench, groaning as
his mostly bare legs came into contact with the hot
plastic that seemed to absorb the sun's hot rays.
"Garak," he said, trying manfully to keep the whine
out of his voice. "I mean it. I'll do anything if we
can go back to our room. Our beautiful room, with our
beautiful air conditioner."
"Hmm, let me think about it for a moment. The sun is
rather pleasant today and I'm not sure I want to be
stuffed into that little suite on such a lovely day."
Julian groaned and closed his eyes, thinking dark
thoughts as he recalled his horrible day.
***Earlier***
The day had dawned hot and dry on Risa, much to
Julian's disgust. The slender young human looked
over at his older Cardassian lover who was soaking up
the sun's rays, his scales ruffling in delight at the
drowsy heat. Garak was in his element here, unlike
Julian who, despite his Arabic background, hated the
overpowering heat. The last time he had been on Risa,
during his more than welcomed break up with Leeta, it
had rained nonstop. He had no idea what torment he
was in for as he and Garak made plans to enjoy
themselves on the, so called, pleasure planet.
�I bet I couldn't get a damn egg of the sidewalk with
a frigging spatula today,' Julian groused to himself
as he sipped at his now warm glass of iced-tea. The
ice-cubes that had graced the drink now a distant
memory.
He watched morosely, as a pair of well muscled young
men played a game of tetherball in the court in front
of where Garak had decided to go so he could �enjoy
the sun'. He glowered at the laughing young men as
they played, he eyes narrowing as he noticed them not
even breaking into a sweat.
With a sigh that he didn't even try to smother, Julian
fiddled with his drink, watching as the brown liquid
sloshed around in the tall glass.
"Are you bored, Julian?"
Julian looked over at Garak, staring into the calm
blue eyes that watched him intently.
"A little," he said, knowing that Garak would see
through any lie with ease.
Rising out of the lounge chair that he had claimed,
Garak reached for his clothing. Julian watched with
rising interest, still amazed over the fact that Garak
had stripped his clothes off in the first place. When
he had asked him why, Garak had given him a look
little he was an idiot, commenting that the only way
to enjoy a good sunbath was in the nude.
Quickly slipping into his clothes, Garak took the
drink from Julian's hands, placing it on the table for
the waiter to pick up. "Well, if you're bored, I have
some tickets to a delightful little theme park that
some lovely young man gave me."
Julian's temper rose at the thought of some scantily
clad slut sucking up to his lover. He let himself be
lifted from the chair and pulled along, his mind
thinking up horrible tortures for anyone daring to
flirt with his Elim. It wasn't until they were at the
theme park's gate that he realized where they were
headed.
"Oh good god, Elim. No!!" Julian said in dread as he
tried to dig his heals in.
"Oh, don't be such a baby!" Garak said lightly as he
pulled the younger man through the gate, giving the
free tickets to the man stationed at the entrance.
A large black mouse loomed up in front of them causing
Julian to shrink back in horror.
"Welcome to Risa Disneyland (tm)," a squeaky voiced
rodent said as it plopped two oddly shaped hats on
their heads.
***A little later***
Julian bitched all the way through Tribble World, and
whined through the tortuous rides that Garak insisted
they go on in Klingon World. Garak ignored him
totally.
Coming up to the next section of the park, Julian
started to perk up with interest as they approach the
entrance too Around the Wonderful Universe section of
the park.
�Hmm, this could be interesting,' Julian thought as
they moved into the new section.
Garak pulled out the map, which was folded until it
was the size of a postage stamp, from his pocket.
Taking a few minutes to unfold it, he held it in front
of them. "I wouldn't mind taking a look at Hebitian
World," he said as he perused the map. "Though I'm
sure they've massacred the details."
Julian peeked over his should. "Ohhh, Vulcan World
looks sort of interesting."
Garak snorted, "My dear, I find it hard to believe
that there would be anything interesting about Vulcan
world."
Julian glared at his lover. "How would you know?
You've never been there before."
"That is hardly the point, Julian. I've met a few
Vulcans and trust me, they're a boring species."
Julian sighed his hundredth sigh for the day. "Why
don't we just make our way around, Garak. We're bound
to see something interesting that way." He watched
warily as Garak tilted his head to one side, thinking
it over.
"Sounds like a plan," Garak finally said as he linked
his arm through Julian's, pulling the younger man
closer.
Together, the two men wandered through the park,
stopping to study the more unusual sights.
At one such sight, Garak stopped and stared in
appalled wonder. "Julian, what in the world is that
human wearing? And what is that ugly creature with
him?"
Julian turned to look over to where Garak was
pointing. A swarthy looking man stood off to one
side, fiddling with a large sack that had pipes
sticking out of it. "Oh, he's wearing a traditional
Scottish garment called a kilt. The different colours
in the kilt indicated the clan they belonged too.
That ugly looking animal is called a goat." Julian
shrugged. "For some reason Scottish men are always
associated with goats. Go figure."
"Oh," Garak said weakly, still appalled. They watched
for a moment more until the man raised the strange
contraption that he had been messing with, to his
lips. A loud, piercing wail burst forth, causing both
men to jump in shock. They looked at each other in
horror, then turned tail and ran.
"You Terrans are a strange lot," Garak said, shaking
his head to getting rid of the ringing in his ears.
"You said it," Julian said, ignoring Garak's laughter
at his confession.
Linking arms once again, they continued to wander
through the park. Once again, Julian was pulled to a
stop when Garak spotted something interesting.
"Look at that!" Garak said, pointing off to one side,
again.
Julian slowly turned his head, hoping it wasn't
another human in strange garments again. Coming
towards them was a small blue and white, rolling
trash-can.
Julian looked at it, puzzled. "I don't know what it
is, Garak," he said as he bent down to get a better
look at the machine. He watched with amusement as a
small metallic arm emerged. Squatting down to get a
better look, Julian started to smile as the arm touch
his leg, coming to a stop. Suddenly and bolt of
electricity shot into him, causing him to jump up with
a loud curse.
Garak started to laugh as Julian began to kick the
strange object. A harried looking blond man came
running up, shouting at Julian to stop.
"Hey you! You can't just kick the park's property like
that!"
Julian started to splutter. "That...that thing
shocked me!!"
The blond glared at Julian. "That's just his way of
saying hello."
"His? His!! What the hell is it?"
If possible, the blond looked even more affronted.
"R2-D2 is a droid from Alternate Universe World,"
bending down to look at the droid, the man frowned as
he saw the dents in its side. "This is going to take
me hours to bang out," he bitched as he stood up
again. "Come on R2. Lets get out of here before
psycho here decides to melt you down."
Garak was still laughing when the man walked away, the
little droid following behind him.
"It's not funny!" Julian said, angrily.
"Whatever you say, darling," Garak said with a large
grin. He started to laugh again as Julian turned and
stalked away.
After wandering for a few moments, Garak reached out
and pulled the younger man to a stop. "Julian, I
think you might have gotten us lost."
"Lost? Lost!!" Julian said, continuing his trend of
repeating himself. "How can you get lost in a theme
park?"
Garak looked around, then pulled the map out of his
pocket again. "Well, for one thing, this is the
second time we went past Betazed World. Trill World
should have been next."
Taking the map from Garak, Julian looked at it for a
moment, before turning it upside down. "No, you're
wrong, Garak. We haven't gone past Betazed World yet.
Besides Romulan World should be next."
"No, Trill World should be next," Garak said,
disagreeing with him.
"No, Romulan World!"
"Trill World!"
Julian threw his hands up in the arm, after tossing
the map on the ground and grinding it into the dust.
"God, Garak. I'll do anything you want if we can
please, please, please go back to our rooms now," he
said, defeated.
Garak stopped in mid-argument, and arched one of his
eye ridges. "Anything?"
"Anything."
"Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass
can't handle," Garak said slyly as he looked at his
fatigued young lover, not so covertly eying the tanned
legs that were shown off by a pair of khaki shorts
Julian dropped gracelessly onto a bench, groaning as
his mostly bare legs came into contact with the hot
plastic that seems to absorb the hot sun's rays.
"Garak," he said, trying manfully to keep the whine
out of his voice. "I mean it. I'll do anything if we
can go back to our room. Out beautiful room, with our
beautiful air conditioner."
"Hmm, let me think about it for a moment. The sun is
rather pleasant today and I'm not sure I want to be
stuffed into that little suite on such a lovely day."
Julian stood up and grabbed Garak's shirt, pulling the
older man to him. "I don't think you understand,
Garak. When I say anything, I mean anything."
Garak started to grin wickedly. Leaning forward he
whispered something into Julian's ear.
Julian eyes widened as he back away to look at the
leering grin on Garak's face. "Are you serious?"
"I've never been more serious."
Julian looked at the older man for a moment before
reaching out and grabbing him by the arm. "Well, what
are you waiting for! Lets get it on!"
And with that Julian took off at a run, dragging a
smirking Cardassian behind him.
The End
I would like to apologize to the following: Scottish
men, goats, R2-D2, scantily clad sluts, and last but
not least, Julian and Garak's neighbours in the hotel.
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