REDEMPTION
Part 12/13
Warnings: m/m sex
Disclaimer: see part one. I also have to acknowlegde the film "Good Will Hunting" for inspiration in one scene.
Tom could hear voices murmuring in the distance, he tried to concentrate on the voices but couldn't. The sedation Tom was under was hampering his ability to concentrate. Tom tried to remember where he was and what had happened. The last thing he really remembered was having breakfast with Chakotay. Tom gave up and let the medication take him further in to the black void at the edge of his vision, giving up on trying to think at all.
Chakotay sat at the familiar spot beside Tom's bed in sickbay, looking anxiously at his unconscious lover. Tom's revelation had shocked him to the core, all he kept hearing was Tom's screamed confession of being raped. Feeling anguish for Tom he thought *Oh my god, my poor Tom. What kind of hell have you lived?* Chakotay sighed and looked over to the corner where Tuvok and the doctor were deep in conversation. Chakotay thought briefly that he should be over there as well, but could not bring himself to leave Tom's side. Chakotay gently took Tom's hand when he noticed the younger man starting to stir. Chakotay waited patiently for the young man to wake up, but Chakotay knew that it could be a long wait, the medication was still making Tom dazed.
Tuvok looked over at Chakotay as he continued to talk to the doctor. "How are Mr. Paris' vital signs now?" he asked.
The doctor sighed, "His blood pressure is still a touch high, but his heart rate has come down due to the sedation. If possible I would like to keep him sedated for the night, I fear the pressure of his revelation might be to much for him to handle at the moment."
Tuvok nodded in agreement, "How long do you think he will have to stay in sickbay?"
"Hopefully he can be discharged tomorrow, I will have to see how he reacts when awake. I will of course continue the 24 hour vital signs monitoring, and I will insist he have someone with him at all times when he is discharged."
"Tom may not like being watched all the time," Tuvok stated.
"I know but it is for his own protection. If he does not agree to this surveillance then I must insist that he stays in sickbay."
Tuvok nodded again, "Very well, please notify me when I can resume counselling."
"Of course," the doctor replied.
Tuvok left sickbay as the doctor walked over to Chakotay. "Commander may I speak to you please?"
Chakotay nodded and followed the doctor slightly away from Tom.
"I want to keep Tom sedated for the night. His blood pressure was very high earlier and I want him to remain asleep so it can lower naturally. I hope to discharge him tomorrow, but it will entirely depend on his behaviour when he wakes up."
Chakotay waited for the doctor to continue.
"Also when he is discharge he is to have someone with him at all times."
"I'll do it," Chakotay stated.
"I had a feeling you would say that, are you sure you can handle the pressure, maybe you can spread the duties among his friends, like Ensign Kim and..."
"No," Chakotay ground out, "I'll do it alone."
The doctor looked closely at the Commander looking for any signs of emotional distress. Chakotay was almost as masterful as Tom at hiding his true feelings. Seeing no obvious signs of distress he said, "Very well, but if you do need help do not hesitate to ask." Changing the subject the doctor asked, "I suppose you want to stay the night?"
Chakotay nodded as he walked back over to Tom and sat in his chair.
The doctor sighed as he went into his office to write reports regarding Tom.
Chakotay watched the doctor enter his office, then turned his attention back to Tom. Picking up a limp hand he began to quietly speak, his worry plainly showing on his face, "Tom, I don't know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I love you and I don't blame you for anything that has happened to you. I love you, I always will. We will get through this together."
Tom's mind slowly began to decipher the quiet sounds breaking through the void. He heard a voice and some words. He struggled to understand what was being said, and who was saying it.
"Tom I promise that I will be with you always. Please don't shut me out, I don't think I could handle that, I need you so much. I love you with all my heart, please come back to me."
Tom heard the love and caring inflection in the voice. The timbre of the voice sounded so familiar. Suddenly it came to him, it was Chakotay, he was still with him.
Chakotay looked at Tom's face and saw him frown a bit as if straining to hear. Bending closer to Tom's ear he began to talk louder. "Tom, if you can hear me I want you to know I love you and that I will always be with you, I will never leave you."
The words were all jumbled in Tom's mind, he heard the words, can, love and never. For a moment not understanding Tom thought Chakotay was saying he would never love him. But that insistent voice at the edge of his hearing kept growing louder, and Tom began to understand more.
A tear fell on Tom's hand as the Commander professed his love for the unconscious man, praying beyond all hope that Tom could hear him. "I love you, I love you," Chakotay repeated over and over.
The fog in Tom's mind began to clear. He could clearly hear the words being spoken to him. Chakotay kept repeating I love you over and over again. A warm spot began to grow in Tom's frozen soul. Chakotay knew Tom's worst secret and he was still there with Tom. Tom struggled to wake up but the medicine was to strong. Tom desperately wanted a way to let the Commander know that he could hear him. With the last ounce of strength Tom had left he gently squeezed the Commander's hand and smiled when he felt his cheek being kissed. Content for the moment Tom drifted off into a dreamless slumber.
Chakotay's heart leapt in his chest when he felt Tom squeeze his hand slightly. *He heard me,* Chakotay thought as he bent down to place a gentle loving kiss on Tom's cheek.
Tom's body began to relax with sleep a slight smile playing around his lips.
Chakotay reached up and wiped away the tears falling from his eyes. He knew that Tom had some hard issues to deal with in the next few weeks, but right now everything seemed a little better. Tom had a smile on his lips that sent joy throughout the Commander's entire body. Chakotay placed Tom's hand on his chest and rose to make his own bed ready.
After asking the doctor to wake him if Tom awoke during the night, Chakotay laid down on the biobed closest to Tom's and silently watched the man he loved sleep. It seemed like hours Chakotay lay staring at his lover until sleep gently claimed him.
***************************************************
Tom struggled to wake up. The medication in his system was finally at a minimum level, but with the added stress, he found it hard to wake up. As Tom slowly began to regain consciousness he tried to remember some of the peace he felt last night but could not quite find it. All of a sudden Tom remembered all that happened yesterday, the aborted counselling session, smashing the replicator, and screaming his shame at Chakotay. Tom's stomach felt like it had sank through the floor. Chakotay knew his most humiliating and painful memory. Tears of shame started to sneak down Tom's face, how could he live with his humiliating past being public knowledge.
Tom started when he felt a gentle hand brush away the tears from his cheek. Fighting to open his eyes Tom slowly focused on Chakotay standing over him. Frightened for a moment Tom tried to remember where he was when the familiar ceiling tiles of sick bay came into view. Sighing slightly he looked away from Chakotay again afraid what his reaction was going to be.
"Hey," Chakotay said softly as Tom opened his eyes and looked away. Chakotay reached down a gently turned Tom's head to look at him, tears forming in his eyes at the sight of Tom looking so defeated. "Good morning."
Tom didn't reply, instead he reached up and tentatively touched a tear that had fallen on Chakotay's cheek. "Why are you crying?" he asked quietly.
"Because I'm upset for you, for all the hell you went through."
Tom dropped his hand, "Don't be," he replied looking away.
Chakotay turned Tom's head again so he was once again looking at the Commander, "Tom, I want to help you, to take care of you. Please let me?"
Tom swallowed nervously, "You want to take care of me?"
Chakotay nodded solemnly, "Yes I do, I love you so much. I can't live with out you."
Tom looked at the Commander in shock, "You love me?" he asked not daring to believe it.
Chakotay nodded.
Tom looked around wildly, emotions starting to bubble to the surface, "You're not disgusted with me?" he asked.
"I will never be disgusted with you."
"But I'm a whore, Justin said so," Tom cried at Chakotay.
Chakotay gripped Tom's head between his hands and said, "NO! You are not! That pig may have made you believe that but trust me Tom, you are no whore."
Tom's chest began to heave as he held back years of pain and frustration, "You don't know what it's like, I must have lead him on....."
"No!" Chakotay said loudly, "that monster used you violently. You did not deserve it, it was not your fault."
Tom shook his head in denial and began to speak when Chakotay repeated, "It is not your fault."
Again Tom tried to accept the blame of his rape and again Chakotay said, "It's not your fault."
Tom looked around the room wildly, not daring to believe Chakotay, but Chakotay kept repeating over and over again, It's not your fault. Tom broke away from the Commander and sat up looking for a place to escape.
Chakotay wouldn't let Tom move, when he sat up he all but pinned him to the bed determined to make Tom believe the rape was not his fault. Lifting Tom's chin with his fingers he looked deep into his blue eyes and said again, "It's not your fault."
Tom looked deep into Chakotay's dark brown eyes. His lover's words started to uncover the grain of truth, that he was not responsible for the rape, deeply embedded in his soul. That his rapist was a sick bastard who had raped many people. This bit of truth started to fight it's way to the surface.
Chakotay could see Tom starting to struggle with himself, so he kept up the soft chant of, "It's not your fault."
Truth came rushing over Tom. Letting loose a howl of despair he threw his arms around Chakotay and began to sob hysterically. In between wracking sobs Tom began to chant, "It wasn't my fault."
Chakotay tightly embraced Tom as the younger man let loose years of anguish, thrilling when he heard Tom's chant. "That's right baby, it wasn't your fault. The truth will set your soul free."
Tom continued to hold tightly onto Chakotay sobbing away years of pain and humiliation. Tom began to see that the rape wasn't his fault, that he didn't deserve it like he thought he had. No one deserves to be raped. Tom cried at the relief of this revelation.
Chakotay continued to hold onto the young man, stroking his hair and whispering words of comfort in his ear. Holding Tom until he stopped shaking Chakotay wondered where they were going to go from here. Tom had made the first huge step on the long road to recovery.
When the tears finally stopped flowing from Tom, he laid his head on Chakotay's chest listening to his heart beat, using the rhythm to ground himself. When he felt his own heart start to beat a similar pattern he smiled slightly. With regret Tom lifted his head from Chakotay's strong chest and looked deep into the Commander's eyes, finally accepting the love and devotion he saw there. *He really loves me,* Tom thought to himself. With his new found strength Tom asked, "How could I fool myself for all there years?"
Chakotay brushed one of Tom's cheeks softly, "Something very terrible happen to you Tom, it's hard to know how different people will react to trauma. Maybe it was a way to protect yourself at the time."
Tom nodded slowly trying to understand years of pain in one instant. "I think that it's going to take a while for me to figure everything out."
Both men turned to look at the doctor when they heard him clearing his throat to get their attention. Running a medical tricorder over Tom he asked, "How are you feeling today Mr. Paris?"
Tom looked away for a moment trying to hide from the doctor, but he decided that this was not a healthy reaction, turning back to look at the doctor he said, "I'm feeling better."
The doctor smiled briefly, it was a good sign that Tom had made the effort to look at him, "I'm glad to hear it. We should be able to discharge you from sickbay this afternoon. But first Tuvok will stop by and you will continue yesterday's hastily terminated counselling session."
Tom swallowed nervously while he nodded his approval. He was still not looking forward to talking about his feelings and was loathed to share them with Tuvok and the Commander. After years of hiding the pain of his past he felt safer hiding everything away, but Tom begun to realize this was not a constructive way to deal with his problems. He didn't think he could handle anymore of these intense emotional outbursts.
Chakotay watched as the young man tensed at the mention of counselling, and could tell Tom was having an inner struggle about it. Tom must have come to some kind of decision because he began to relax. Looking at Tom he asked, "Are you hungry?"
Tom nodded, and Chakotay looked at the doctor to get permission to use the replicators. When the doctor nodded his approval he replicated a light breakfast for Tom and himself.
When they finished eating Tom asked, "Can you do something for me?"
"Of course."
"Can you go get me a change of clothes while I shower here?"
Chakotay nodded and rose from his seat, leaning over for a kiss, he left saying, "I'll be right back babe."
Tom watched Chakotay leave as he made his way to the sickbay's washroom and shower facility. Stepping under the warm water he felt days of tension slip away with the dirty water. Still nervous about the upcoming sessions Tom kept repeating to himself mentally, *Counselling is a good thing, counselling is a good thing.*
Stepping out of the shower Tom grabbed a towel and started to dry off, noticing the clothes that Chakotay had brought for him. Pulling on the fresh cloths Tom felt a sense of freedom, like he had washed away part of his pain, and was starting out fresh.
Walking out of the washroom he saw Chakotay sitting patiently waiting for him.
"Nice shower?' he asked casually.
"Yep."
"The doctor still wants someone to be with you at all time," Chakotay began carefully, "do you mind terribly if you stay with me still?"
Tom laughed, "Do you have to ask?" he said as he dropped down into the Commander's lap.
Chakotay smiled, "Just thought you might be getting sick of me by now."
Tom wrapped his arms around the Commander's shoulders and kissed him lightly, "Sick of you? Never," he responded.
"Good, cause I won't be that easy to get rid of."
Tom schooled his expression, "That's good to know, you are going to hear about a lot of crap I went through as a child, I am going to need you big time."
Chakotay looked intensely at Tom, "I will be there for you always Tom."
Tom leaned down and laid his forehead against Chakotay's and whispered, "Good."
The two man sat there listening to each other breathe, and taking in each others scent. Tom smelled fresh and clean, his hair still slightly damp after his shower, while Chakotay smelled of musk and woods. Tom inhaled deeply loving the smell of Chakotay, using it to calm himself.
Neither man heard Tuvok enter sickbay, both were to engrossed in each other. Tuvok raised an eyebrow at the scene and entered the doctor's office to talk to the EMH. "How long have they been like that?" Tuvok asked.
"Long enough," the doctor replied.
Tuvok glanced at the two lovers still embracing. Looking back at the doctor he asked, "How was Mr. Paris this morning?"
"Well he seems a bit calmer today, we will just have to see how the sessions go."
"Agreed."
Chakotay broke away from Tom when he heard voices coming from the doctor's office, looking in that direction he say Tuvok talking to the doctor. "Time to start Tom," he said gently.
Tom sighed and stood up. Waiting for Chakotay to rise before walking into the office.
"Good afternoon gentlemen," Tuvok said.
"Hello," Tom said looking straight at Tuvok.
Chakotay broke into a wide smile, pleased that Tom had enough confidence to look straight at the Vulcan.
Taking their seats Tuvok asked, "How are you feeling Mr. Paris?"
"Better," Tom replied.
"Good," Tuvok started, "I would like to start today's counselling session by discussing what happened yesterday."
Tom winced, *Just like Tuvok to jump right in there,* he thought. Tom nodded slightly to signal Tuvok to continue.
"You had a severe reaction to talking about your nightmares, this lead to a revelation that you had been raped. Do you feel that the rape was your fault?"
Tom nodded, "At first I did, but I had a long talk with Chakotay this morning, and I am starting to see that it was not my fault."
"Very good," Tuvok stated. "How did the rape make you feel?"
Tom blushed and looked away, steeling his resolve he looked back at Tuvok, "I felt ashamed, dirty, used, humiliated, and yes guilty."
"Why guilty?"
"After Jus.....Justin raped me he said it was my fault, that I led him on. Maybe I did and wasn't even aware of it." Tom shuddered, the still did not like to say his rapist's name out loud.
"Did you tell him to stop?" Tuvok asked.
"Of course," Tom replied a bit miffed.
"Then he did it against your will, therefore it is illogical for you to take the blame for the situation."
Tom looked down at his feet, "Yeah, but maybe I turned him on somehow."
"Tom why are you trying to take the blame for something that wasn't your fault?"
"I don't know," Tom cried frustrated.
Tuvok studied the young man for a moment, thinking back to what he knew about Tom's past he asked, "Were you ever abused as a child?"
Tom cringed, "Ummmmm..."
"I take it by your posture and your lack of response that you were," Tuvok stated. When Tom nodded his agreement he continued, "Who abused you?"
Tom looked around the room, *Ok Tom your sixty light years away from home, your old man isn't here to hurt you,* Tom thought to himself as he gained to courage to reply. "My father abused me." Tom said quietly.
Chakotay gasped, he knew Tom's relationship with his father wasn't the best, but he never guess it went this far. Reaching over to Tom he clasped one of his hands in a show of support. Tom looked over at the Commander when he felt his hand being picked up, flashing him a smile at his support.
"How did he abuse you?" Tuvok asked.
"He use to hit me when I screwed things up," Tom replied looking slightly abashed.
"Tom no one has the right to hit a child ever." Chakotay said reassuringly.
"Yeah but I use to do some many stupid things that were totally my fault."
"Like what?" Tuvok replied.
"Once I broke his favourite statue, another time I knocked a glass of red wine on the new white Persian carpet, stuff like that."
Chakotay couldn't believe what he was hearing. These were just everyday childhood mishaps.
"Mr. Paris do you believe you we responsible for the abuse you suffered?" Tuvok asked.
"Yes, maybe if I didn't mess things up all the time dad wouldn't have hit me," Tom replied reasonably.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow at this, he found it fascinating the way Tom took all the blame on himself. "Did your father ever tell you he hit you because you asked for it, or because it was your fault?"
Tom blanched, "All the time," he said.
"Mr. Paris what you are describing is a classic abuse pattern. The abuser would place the blame on his victim so he could ease his own conscience and thereby reducing the victim to an object."
Tom thought about what Tuvok said for a moment, did his father really do that, did he always place the blame on Tom so he wouldn't feel guilty? Tom started to remember what his father would say before he hit him, �you give me no choice I have to punish you', or �it's your own fault I have to hurt you'. Tom heard a audible click go off in his head at this revelation. He wasn't to blame for the abuse he suffered, he was just a little kid for heavens sake. Tom looked up at Tuvok and said, "Your right that is exactly what my father did, how could I have been so blind?"
"Mr. Paris you were just a small child at the time, how could you have know?"
"But he continued to hurt me well into my teens, in fact right up to when I entered the Academy. Why didn't I stop it."
"Did you ever try to get help?"
Tom thought about it for a moment, "A teacher did find out once, I just couldn't hide the bruises that day, she asked if I was having problems at home and I said yes. But before anything could happen my father found out and the teacher was transferred to another school, hell I think she was transferred to another planet. My father was so mad at me, he kept blaming me for trying to ruin his career, I had never seen him so angry."
Chakotay squeezed Tom's hand in a show of comfort. Tom turned to look at him and flashed him a little smile as if to say everything is ok.
Tuvok watched the exchange between Tom and the Commander, approving of the fact that there was someone there with Tom to make him feel comfortable. "I believe that incident proved to you just how powerful the Admiral was in your own mind and you were afraid to displease him again. After years of abuse he began to control you in ways you never knew."
Tom nodded, Tuvok was right, his father could control him when he was even gone away on missions. Just the thought of his keeper telling his father what he did wrong was enough for him to try to act right. Though that was hard to do for a young Tom who was full of curiosity and energy.
"I want you to start an exercise today Tom," Tuvok began, "I want you to start writing down your feelings in a journal everyday. Instead of burying your feeling I want you to express them on paper or padd."
Tom nodded slowly, he would try to do this, he was such a private man that he liked to keep his emotions bottled up where no one could see, but that method of dealing with problems had been disastrous.
"Well Mr. Paris I do believe that we started off on the right foot today. You are still going to need counselling for a while, but today was a breakthrough." Tuvok stated.
Tom smiled hesitantly, Tuvok was right he was going to need a lot more counselling, but he was starting to feel better about himself than he had in days. "Thank you for your help today Tuvok." Tom said sincerely.
"Your welcome Mr. Paris."
Chakotay stood and offered his hand to Tom. Tom took it gratefully. Exiting the office they went over to the doctor to get Tom's discharge orders. When everything was settled Tom and Chakotay left sickbay hand in hand, with the future looking brighter than ever.
*************************************************
Two weeks later.....................
Chakotay watched as Tom finished pulling on a blue top, admiring the way the colour matched his eyes. "Are you sure you want to do this he asked?"
Tom looked up and smiled brilliantly at Chakotay, "Yep, I need to get out of these quarters Big Man. I have to make a public appearance for my adoring fans." Tom continued to dress as Chakotay snorted and went into the living room. After slipping on his favourite loafers he joined the Commander. "Ready?" he asked slipping his arms around Chakotay's waist.
"When ever you are," he replied giving Tom a quick kiss. Hand in hand they left Chakotay's quarters and went to Sandrine's. Stopping outside the holosuite doors Chakotay looked at Tom once last time and said, "You don't have to do this if your not ready."
Tom smiled again at Chakotay, he loved the way the older man was so protective of him. "No it's ok, I need to do this." Gripping Chakotay's hand tighter he stepped through the doors of the holodeck.
The noise level in the bar lowered for an instant before the buzz of conversation picked up again.
"Tom, Chakotay, over hear."
Tom and Chakotay turned in the direction of the voice calling them. Spotting Harry, B'Elanna and the Captain sitting at a table they made their way over to join them.
Chakotay sat down and ordered two coffee's throwing a look at Tom to see how he was doing. Tom was already deep in conversation with Harry and B'Elanna getting the ship's gossip from the past few weeks. Chakotay smiled when all three broke down into giggles over some particularly funny piece of news. Looking over to the Captain who was also wearing a grin Chakotay asked, "How are you Kathryn?"
"I'm fine Chakotay, and you?" Kathryn asked while sneaking a peek at Tom. She still hadn't had much of a chance to talk to him and was a little nervous in his presence.
"Great, thank you." Chakotay replied noticing how the Captain was a bit nervous. Taking a sip of his coffee he tried to think of a way to mend the problems between Tom and Kathryn.
Tom leaned over and linked his arm through Chakotay, "You wouldn't believe what Megan and Jenny did," he started to say, "but I'll tell you later." Turning his attention to the Captain Tom cleared his throat. "Captain, I just want to thank you for letting Chakotay have some time off to be with me, I really appreciate it."
Tom watched as the Captain began to smile. "It was my pleasure Tom. I'm glad your feeling better."
Tom smiled when the Captain called him by his first name. It was probably going to take a while before their relationship got to the point before the brig incident, but it was well on it's way to mending.
Tom reached over to Harry and tapped him on the arm, "Let's go play pool buddy," he said as he got up from the table.
Continue to part 13......
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