Mary Sue Sunshine Comes To High Chaparral

By Penny

Rated PG

 

 

 

*** Warning – Parody ***

 

Author’s note:  If you are unfamiliar with the term ‘Mary Sue’, please seek a definition before proceeding with this parody. There are various ‘Mary Sue Litmus Tests’ on the web, try entering the term at Google.

 

 

 

Mary Sue Sunshine came to visit the High Chaparral after the untimely death of her parents, all living relatives, and her dog Spot. 

 

She was secretly fleeing Bad Bart, the white slaver who lusted after her young, nubile body.  “No, no, Bart, even though I have a face and figure that drives men wild, even though I am helpless in the face of a harsh and cruel world, I will never surrender my purity and morals to you,” the comely lass wept.

 

What to do, where to go, with no parents, no relatives, and no dog?  She had heard of a ranch in Arizona called the High Chaparral.

They occasionally took in wandering, orphaned, deserving girls. It was in the middle of a desert. Apaches attacked with alarming regularity. She had no connection with the family. There were no outhouses. She wrote and got on the first stage out of town.

 

Mary Sue arrived on the Tucson stage where Billy Blue Cannon picked her up. She immediately improved the household by baking cookies, cooking soufflé, washing windows, cleaning rugs, and carrying water. Buck noticed she was especially good at carrying water. “Miss Mary Sue, I believe you is better at carrying that water than anybody ever before,” he said.

 

Victoria said to John, “She is like the sister I never had. All my clothes fit her. My husband, she is so wonderful, and so alone in the world, can we not keep her for a pet?”

 

Jon Cannon was stern and grouchy. “Pet?  We don’t need any consarned pets around here, I already feed Manolito and Buck.”  But John watched Mary Sue happily going about the day’s work and thought, she really does a great job carrying water.  Maybe it would be better to keep her for a pet. She’s cheaper than a water pump.

 

One day John yelled at Blue because Blue didn’t tie his shoes right. Blue poured out his heart to Mary Sue and confessed his love for her, insisting they must marry.  Mary Sue, who studied psychology with Sigmund Freud, explained the underlying psychological problems that kept Blue and John apart. Father and son embraced, weeping, and reconciled, the walls between them forever sundered. John Cannon, his weathered face wreathed in a smile, hugged Mary Sue. “You are like the daughter I never had.”

 

Buck, seeing his beloved nephew and brother reunited, knew his lifelong duty was now accomplished. He pulled Mary Sue aside, confessing he had fallen in love with her.  “I knows Blue Boy loves you, but cain’t you give him up for me, Miss Mary?” Mary kissed him, and overcome with passion, they fell to the ground and consummated their love. Afterwards, they both realized they must deny their love for the sake of Blue. A tear traced its way down Buck’s cheek as he pledged his undying love for her. “I will always love you, Miss Mary, there’ll never be any other. You kin always count on me.” 

 

Suddenly, the dashing Manolito Montoya drew Mary Sue aside, confessing that he must have her for his wife.  They kissed passionately, falling to the ground, consummating their love. Afterwards, a tearful Mary Sue explained to a heartbroken Manolito that they must deny their love.  Mano agreed, but promised to be faithful to her always.

 

Sam Butler talked to Mary.  So did Joe. The sound of falling bodies hitting the ground reverberated across the High Chaparral. The remainder of the Bunkhouse Boys formed a line, since Mary Sue’s door was closer than the Saloon in Tucson. Mary had a Very Good Time, but still, in her heart, stayed true to Blue, who remained the most oblivious cowpoke in the history of Arizona.

 

Bad Bart came to the ranch to claim Mary for his white slave ring.  All the boys killed him to death, swearing loudly they would gladly give up their lives to keep Mary Sue from breaking a fingernail.

 

The wedding day approached. Victoria supplied a wonderful wedding dress she happened to have in her closet. The dress was described in excruciating detail for 3 1/2 pages.

 

Mary Sue and Blue were wed. White doves flew up out of the desert as the minister pronounced them man and wife. Blue cried. Mano and Buck cried. Sam and Joe wondered if they could visit Mary Sue when Blue was out on the range. John growled and said she was the daughter he always wanted.  Victoria was happy. 

 

Mary Sue got a new dog named Spot.

 

 

The End

 

 

 

 

 

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