WHY:WHO

• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway
  If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
  Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
  Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
  Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
  Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
  Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
  Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
  Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
  Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
  Do you cry under water?
  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  Can you slam a revolving door?
  Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
  Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?
  How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"?
  If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?
  Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?
  Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
  Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
  What do you call male ballerinas?
  Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
  Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
  If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
  Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
  Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
  Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
  
  
  
  STUPID
  
  
  
  
  

  Product Warnings:

  • "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

  • "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

  • "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

  • "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

  • "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

  • "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

  • "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

  • "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

  • "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

  • "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

  • "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

  • "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

  • "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

  • "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

  • "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
  • "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

  • "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

  • "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

  • "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

  • "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

  • "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

  • "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

  • "Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."

  • "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

  • "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

  • "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

  • "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

  • "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

  • "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

  • "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

  • "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

  • "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

  • "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

  • "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

  • "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

  • "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

  • "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

  • "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

  • "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

  • "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

  • "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

  • "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

  • "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

  • "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

  • "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

  • "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

  • "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

  • "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

  • "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

  • "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

  • "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

  • "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

  • "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

  • "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

  • "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

  • "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

  • "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

  • "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

  • "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

  • "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

  • "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

  • "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

  • "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

  • "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

  • "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

  • "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

  • "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

  • "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

  • "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

  • "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

  • "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

  • "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

  • "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

  • "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

  • "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

  • "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

  • "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

  • "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

  • "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

  • "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

  • "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

  • "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

  ---

  Assurances:

  • "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

  ---

  Small Print From Commercials:

  • "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

  • "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

  • "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

  • "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

  ---

  Signs and Notices:

  • "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.

  • "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

  • "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.

  • "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

  • "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.

  • "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.

  • "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

  • "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

  • "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.

  • "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.

  • "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.

  ---

  Safety Procedures:

  • "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.

  • "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

  ---

  Ingredients:

  • "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

  • "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.

  • "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
    Materials:
    Covering: 100% Unknown.
    Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
    -- On a pillow.

  • "Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." -- On the packet for a moist towelette.

  ---

  Instructions:

  • "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

  • "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.

  • "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

  • "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

  • "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

  • "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.

  • "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.

  • "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.

  • "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.

  • "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.

  • "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

  ---

  Requirements:

  • "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.

  IN HONOUR OF STUPID PEOPLE :)
  On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
  On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
  On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
  On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
  On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
  On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
  On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
  On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
  On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
  "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
  
  "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer
  
  "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
  
  "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
  
  "During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
  
  "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach
  
  "The Internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
  
  "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer
  A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
  
  A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
  
  Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
  
  I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
  A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
  
  I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
  
  Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
  
  I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
  
  My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
  
  Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
  
  a mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
  
  Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
  
  
  
  
  These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
  Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
  Q: What is your birthday? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year.
  Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
  Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
  Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
  Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
  Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
  Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
  Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
  Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female?
  Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
  Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
  Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
  Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
  
  
  
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