BUTT DUST AND FLEAS :)
MELANIE (age 5)asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget was this particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

A DANGEROUS 5 YEAR OLD :) A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."



A DANGEROUS 4 YEAR OLD :)
... (Got it in the mail) Years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K. After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was...



REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK.... :
1. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me aT home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. -Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
2. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld



WHY WE LUV KIDS.... :
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet last week."

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"



DON'T INTERRUPT.... :
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy,I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and ,"Johnny,this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral : Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.



DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MUM AND DADS.... :
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MOMS AND GRANDMAS??
1.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
IS ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR MOM PERFECT?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.



BOOTS.... : A Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy b.oots. He asked for help and she could seewhy. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little b.oots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second b.oot was on, she had worked up a sweat.She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the b.oots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my b.oots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn'tyou say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting b.oots off his little feet. No sooner they got the b.oots off and he said, "They're my brother's b.oots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the b..oots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month.



KIDS.... :
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,"Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman" Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:"ME."



cussing:)
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.



EATING WITH KIDS.... :
A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"



who to marry by kids:)
(1)You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.... Alan, age 10 (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with... Kirsten, age 10 (3) WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) 4 HOW CAN A STRANGER TEL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling atthe same kids. Derrick, age 8 5 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8 6 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets tem interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 7 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.Craig, age 9 8 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? ...When they're rich. Pam, age 7 9 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing; I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

WHY DID GOD MAKE MOMS?--BY SCHOOL KIDS
1-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Mostly to clean the house.
HOW DID GOD MAKE MOMS??
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
WHAT ARE MOMS MADE OF??
1-clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
WHAT KIND OF LITTLE GIRL WAS YOUR MOM?
1.- My mum has always been my mum and mone of that other stuff..
HOW DID YOUR MOM MEET YOUR DAD?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
WHAT DID SHE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR DAD BEFORE SHE MARRIED HIM??
1.- His last name.
WHY DID SHE MARRY HIM??
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
WHO IS THE BOSS AT YOUR HOUSE?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball. HOME

 

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