Part I
From the journal of Dr. Katherine Barkley Wardell:
My friend Amanda said that Mother and Papa kept me under their thumb, but that wasn�t true. They kept me close. When I was invited to my first cotillion at fourteen, they simply said I was too young, and there was no further discussion. But in the summer after my fifteenth birthday, while we were making our annual visit to the ranch, they loosed their restrictions just long enough for me to learn a bittersweet lesson.
I had met Innis Duncan, the son of the ranch�s nearest neighbors to the south, on several occasions. He was seventeen�tall and muscular with a face that could have come from a painting by one of the old masters. Nick said he was going to be as good a rancher as his father Bayard.
Innis had one older sister who had married young and moved away to Montana with her husband. Their mother had died when they were very small, so Innis and his father were bonded closely as well as being ranching partners. With his father�s blessing, he�d left school at the age of fourteen to work fulltime on the ranch.
As I said, I�d met him several times before�at church, in town, and when he had come with his father to the Barkley Ranch on business. But that summer, it was as if we took notice of each other for the first time. I was thrilled. Although Papa wouldn�t let me put my hair up yet, I did stop wearing it in a braid down my back and began tying it back with a ribbon. It was naturally curly and quite shiny because of the special soap and regular brushings that Mother insisted on. When Innis commented on it one morning as we leaned on the corral fence watching Heath and Mr. Duncan discuss a new mare, I tingled from the top of my head to my toes.
That afternoon I asked Mother what she thought of Innis. �He seems a polite young man,� she said.
�He said�this morning he said my hair looked like a sunset.�
�Oh?�
�Yes.�
�Very poetic.�
�Do you think he�s handsome, Mother?�
�He�s nice-looking.�
�I think he looks like one of the woodcuts of Sir Lancelot in my Knights of the Round Table book.�
�I see.�
�Do you remember your first beau, Mother?�
�I never had a beau, Kate. I was seventeen when I married Tom Barkley and came to the Valley.�
�Only two years older than I am now?�
She sighed. �One grows up and grows old quickly in a mining camp. I took care of my mother until she died�and then my father. I never owned more than two dresses and a single petticoat until I went to San Francisco and went to work in the boarding house.�
I thought with sudden shame of my own bountiful wardrobe. �I�m sorry,� I murmured.
�Well, so was I�for awhile. Then I was too busy helping Tom build up this place and taking care of Jarrod and Nick.� She patted the settee beside her. �Come sit with me, darling.�
I curled myself close to her. �I wouldn�t want to be married, but�well�it might be nice to have a beau.�
�Innis Duncan.�
�Yes.�
�I�m sure I don�t object to him calling on you here at the ranch for the short time that we�re here.�
�Papa wouldn�t like it.�
�Your Papa doesn�t want to lose his little girl, but he�d understand.�
�Did Audra have a lot of beaus?�
Mother laughed. �Dozens and dozens! Too many to count!�
�At fifteen?�
�Yes�though they didn�t get far with Nick and Jarrod around.�
�I think they tried to discourage Don�a little.�
�Audra wrote to me that they were being impossible, so I wrote back to them�and they saw the light.�
�You like Don.�
�Very much. He and Audra are very happy.�
�Mother, how did you know that you loved Papa?�
�I don�t know, Kate. I just knew.�
�But not because he was handsome�or anything like that?�
�No. It was what was inside of him�his kindness, his humor. . .his goodness.�
�Do you think there�s another man like Papa out there anywhere?�
She cupped my face in her hands. �I�m sure there is, Kate, and I�m sure he�s waiting just for you.�
Part II
Innis found some excuse to visit the ranch almost everyday after that. If Nick disapproved, he never said so. I expected that Mother had told him to leave me alone, and I was glad.
Innis and I sat on the porch and drank lemonade or took long walks�never out of sight of the house, of course�and one day, when it rained, we climbed to the loft in the barn and sat there talking for hours. I satisfied my conscience in the matter of a chaperone knowing that Ciego and Antonio were working below�although not close enough to really see or hear us.
Nick�s wife Charlotte agreed to let me invite Innis to dinner one evening. I was glad to see that he had perfect manners and even charmed Nick with his conversation. Afterwards, Mother gave us permission to sit in the parlor�though, when they retired to the library, they left the door open. Promptly at eight o�clock, Papa appeared and told Innis that he was delighted he could have dinner with us and hoped he would come back soon. It wasn�t even a veiled hint�and Innis shook hands with Papa and left.
�He�s quite a nice young man,� Papa said when I returned from seeing Innis to the door.
�I think so.�
�And you like him very much.�
�Yes.�
�You�re only fifteen, Kate precious.�
�I don�t want to marry him, Papa!�
�I didn�t think that you did.�
�Papa, how did you know that you loved Mother?�
He smiled. �I don�t know�I just knew.�
�That�s what she said about you.�
�Love can�t be explained, Kate. It just is.�
�I don�t love Innis.�
�Liking someone is important, too.� He sat down and motioned me to sit beside him. �There�s a certain�attraction�between a young man and a young woman, Kate, that has nothing to do with love. One must be careful to know the difference.�
I tried not to smile. �I know, Papa. When Nick puts the bull in the pasture with the cows, the bull doesn�t love them.�
He stared at me, then laughed. �I suppose I forget that your experience at the ranch has taught you as much as Miss Beauville�s at home.�
This time I did smile. �Mother says there�s someone just as wonderful as you waiting for me to grow up.�
He leaned forward to kiss my forehead. �Shall we join the others in the library now?�
The week before we were scheduled to leave for Nashville, the Cattle Raisers� Associate held a dance in Stockton, and Innis invited me to go with him. �I�ll have to ask my parents,� I replied.
�Of course,� he said. �I�d expect you, too.�
�Will you�be here tomorrow?�
He winked at me. �I can usually find some excuse to ride over.�
I wasted no time in telling my parents about the invitation, knowing that their answer would not be forthcoming immediately. �We�ll discuss it, Kate,� Papa said. �Of course, we�ll all go into the dance, and you can ride with us if not with Innis.�
�Yes, Papa,� I replied dutifully, but I was guilty of casting an imploring glance at Mother.
I was tempted to listen at the door, but I knew better, of course. Instead, I took myself off to the kitchen to see what Silas was doing. Mrs. Montoya was doing most of the cooking these days�Silas had been persuaded to retire to the snug little house that Nick and Heath had built for him�but he still came in daily to oversee everything. He was there this morning, too, sitting at the table rolling out the dough for a batch of sugar cookies. I sat down with him.
�Silas, it isn�t easy being fifteen,� I sighed.
�Ain�t easy bein� old either.�
�You�re not old.�
�I ain�t young.�
I watched his gnarled hands patting and rolling the soft creamy-yellow pastry. �Silas, you never got married, did you?�
He shook his head.
�Did you ever think about it?�
�Time or two.�
�Why. . .�
�Ain�t polite to get into my business, Missy,� he chided me.
�I�m sorry.�
He rolled and patted some more. �One time�just wasn�t the right time. Other time�she wanted an education. Wanted to be a teacher�go back South. Said I could come with her, but. . .well, I had m�fam�ly here. Had more�n fam�ly�had a place. . .respect. . .�
I regarded him with new insight. �You mean�the Barkleys.�
He nodded. �Getting� married ain�t for ever�body.�
�You�you weren�t ever sorry that you didn�t go with her?�
His hands stopped their work. �She went. Year later th� nightriders burned her school.� He took a deep breath. �Her room at the back�never knew they came. Never got out.�
�Oh, Silas!� Tears filled my eyes. �How awful!�
�Mebbe�mebbe if I�d gone with her. . .� He shook his head. �No use thinkin� about mebbe,� he said softly. �Didn�t happen.�
I laid my hand over his.
He looked up then. �Watched these young�uns grow up though�now I�m watchin� their young�uns�and you.�
Mother�s voice calling me from the dining room ended our conversation.
Part III
Papa came straight to the point. �We have decided that it would be best if you and Innis rode with us to the dance.�
While I�d known�in my heart�that would be their decision, part of me wanted to protest, to argue that it wasn�t fair, to declare that I was almost sixteen and shouldn�t be treated like a child. But I didn�t.
�All right, Papa, I�ll tell him when he comes by tomorrow,� I said. Then I excused myself and ran upstairs to my room where I threw myself down on the bed and gave way to tears of frustration. But by the time Mrs. Montoya rang the lunch bell, I was all cried out and presented myself at the table with a pleasant expression.
Nothing more was said about the dance until that night when Mother came to my room and asked me what I planned to wear. �I don�t know. Maybe the yellow muslin�it�s cooler.�
She nodded approvingly. �You look lovely in that, Kate.� She crossed to the dressing table and picked up my hair brush. �Come let me work on your hair for you.�
I sat down and closed my eyes as she began to draw the brush through my thick hair. �Mother, what color was your hair?�
�Brown. Just plain brown.�
�How did you wear it�when you were my age, I mean?�
�In a braid like yours. It was more practical.�
I sighed. �Why does everything have to be practical?�
�Life runs best on practicalities, Kate.�
�I wish it didn�t. I wish�I wish life was more like Camelot! It would certainly be more interesting!�
�You don�t think your life is interesting?�
�Sometimes it�s very dull!�
�We do tend to live each day much like the last, I suppose.�
�Didn�t you ever do anything�well, unpredictable?�
�I don�t think so.�
�Why?�
�I never had the opportunity.� She paused in the brushing. �Well, I did one thing. . .�
�What, Mother? Please tell me!�
�But I wasn�t a girl�I was a grown woman.�
�What did you do?�
�I accepted the invitation of a man I hardly knew to accompany him to San Francisco.�
�Mother!�
�Nick said I�d lost my mind, but Audra helped me pack, and Jarrod took me to get the train.�
�And what happened?�
She smiled. �And I married him, Kate. The man was your father, and I think I already knew that I was in love with him.�
�Oh, Mother,� I sighed, deflated. �I thought you were going to tell me something. . .�
�Shocking?� Hardly, Kate. I�m afraid I�ve lived a very conventional life.�
�I suppose I will, too.�
�Would that be so bad?�
I shrugged. �I don�t know.�
She kissed my head as she leaned past me to put down the brush. �Well, someday perhaps you will. Would you like to wear my jade earrings on Saturday? You might tie your hair back with a green velvet ribbon to match.�
I gathered my waning enthusiasm for the dance. �I�d love to wear them, Mother. Thank you very much.�
******
I dreaded telling Innis that we�d have to go with Mother and Papa, but I wasn�t prepared for his reaction. �That�s�that�s silly, Kate! I�m almost eighteen! I do a man�s work everyday!�
�I know, Innis, but that�s just the way it is.�
�I�ll talk to your father.�
�No, that wouldn�t be a good idea. When Papa makes a decision, it�s made.�
His expression was a combination of anger and disgust. �Well, then, I�ll just meet you in town.�
My stomach felt leaden. �All right�if that�s what you want to do.�
He nodded. �I�ll see you at the dance then.�
�Would you like a glass of lemonade?�
�Nah�I gotta get back.� He mounted his horse and rode away without so much as a goodbye.
Part IV
I�d told Innis that it wasn�t a good idea to talk to Papa, but for a moment I contemplated doing just that. For the first time in my life, I wondered if Papa was being unreasonable. Mother might have agreed to let me go with Innis in his rig, but she never went against Papa.
Nick came around the corner of the house. �Hey, KatieBee, wasn�t that Innis Duncan who just high-tailed it out of here?�
�Yes.�
�In a hurry, wasn�t he?�
�I guess so.�
He mounted the steps to the porch and looked at me more closely. �What�s wrong?�
�Nothing.�
�Huh! If that half-baked kid said something to hurt your feelings. . .�
�He didn�t. Nick.�
�Why don�t I believe you?�
I shrugged.
�You goin� to the dance with him Saturday night?�
�Not exactly.�
�Why?�
�Papa said we could ride in together�with them.�
�So what�s wrong with that?�
�Nothing, but�Innis said he�d just meet me there.�
�Just meet you. . .� Nick�s voice rose.
�Don�t yell, Nick.�
�I�m not. . .� He took off his gloves and put his hands on my shoulders. �He didn�t like the idea, huh?�
�I guess not.�
�You want me to talk to Royce?�
�No, let it alone, Nick.�
He shook his head. �Okay, darlin�. But you�ll be the prettiest gal there, and you�ve gotta promise to save me a coupla dances.�
�Sure, Nick.� I turned around and walked back inside.
Innis didn�t come on Friday. I watched in vain from the porch and later from the window of my room, but he didn�t appear. No one mentioned it�but I knew they noticed. On Saturday, Mother helped me wash my hair and sat with me in the back until it dried, then brushed it thoroughly. I thought about Innis saying that it reminded him of a sunset and wanted to cry.
Heath and Aggie were staying home to keep their children and Nick�s as well. I thought about offering to be the baby-minder myself, but I was still hoping that Innis and I would resume our old, comfortable relationship. Heath came over to collect the boys and brought me a peach-colored rose from the garden. It had been neglected until Aggie came, and she was the one who first grew the peach-colored roses.
Mother fastened the rose to the front of my dress. I surveyed myself in the mirror, not displeased with what I saw. The jade earrings and matching velvet hair ribbon made my eyes look darker green. �You look lovely, Kate.�
�Thank you for lending me your earrings.�
�They�re perfect for the dress.�
�Where are my ladies?� Papa called then from the bottom of the stairs.
Mother and I hurried down to meet him. I thought that he looked particularly handsome in the new suede jacket that we had given him for Christmas but which was too casual to wear often in Nashville. Nick and Charlotte joined us, and we got into the buggy that Antonio brought around. Nick and Papa kept up the conversation on the way into town, but I could only think of Innis�and wonder if he�d really be there to meet me.
He wasn�t.
For the third time in a week, I wanted to cry, but I smiled instead. No one mentioned Innis, and I didn�t lack for dancing partners�although what some of the local boys did couldn�t actually be called dancing. I danced with Nick several times and with Papa and felt like I was floating on air.
By the end of the evening, I wasn�t thinking much about Innis, but there was still that part of me that felt sad�and even a little angry. He�d broken his promise to me, and I only hoped he had a good reason.
I found out the reason the next day. Papa asked me to take a walk with him after breakfast. �Innis didn�t meet you as he promised.�
�No.�
�He didn�t want to ride in with the rest of us.�
�No.�
�Would that have spoiled things for you, Kate?�
�Probably not.�
�But he felt it would spoil things for him.�
�I suppose.�
�Well, I know the two of you have become good friends this summer�that you even consider him rather a beau.�
�I�ve never had a beau before.�
�No, you haven�t. Your Mother and I have kept you rather close. How do you feel about that?�
�I�I don�t know really. I know I�m not grown up, but I�m not a child anymore either.�
�No. No, you�re not. But it�s your first statement that I want to speak to. Innis considers himself a man, and perhaps by western standards, he is. And last night, he decided to prove it.�
�I don�t understand.�
�His father came by the dance just before it was over. Oh, you didn�t see him�he was quite careful that you didn�t. He�d come to town to look for Innis�and found him in the Four Star Saloon. Upstairs.�
I stopped walking and stared at Papa in disbelief. �Oh, no, Papa, he couldn�t. . .�
�He did.�
Two big tears dripped from the corners of my eyes. �It�s my fault then. I made him angry.�
�Your fault, Kate? Did you make that decision for him?�
�No, but if I�d let him talk to you about our going in together. . .�
Papa offered me his handkerchief. �Kate, I�m not condemning Innis for one ill-considered evening. Boys often rush into manhood without thinking, but not all of them. That�s what we want for you�someone who has become a man. Not someone who has set out to prove that he is one.�
�You�re saying that Innis might have tried to prove that. . .with me.�
�Possibly, but we�ll never know. We knew you were disappointed with our decision, Kate precious, even a little angry. We understood. But we weren�t willing to take any chances with you.� He took me in his arms and stroked my hair�which was back in its usual neat braid. �There�ll be many beaus in your life�and finally, one who is special.�
�Did you court a lot of girls, Papa?�
�One or two�until I met Catherine. After she died, I never thought of it�until I met your Mother, right here at a dance in Stockton as a matter of fact. She was a miracle, Kate. She came into my life unexpectedly�that�s how love comes, you see.�
�You love her very much.�
�More than there are words to tell. And we both love you, Kate.� He reached into his pocket. �I jotted these lines down last night before I went to sleep. I heard them many years ago, although I don�t know where they come from.�
I wiped my eyes and unfolded the paper and read the words on it aloud.
Living
To touch the cup with eager lips and taste, not drain it,
To woo and tempt and court a bliss�and not attain it;
To fondle and caress a joy, yet hold it lightly,
Lest it become necessity and cling too tightly;
To watch the sun set in the west without regretting;
To hail its advent in the east�the night forgetting.
To smother care in happiness�and grief in laughter;
To hold the present close�not questioning hereafter;
To have enough to share�to know the joy of giving�
To thrill with all the sweets of life�is living.
--Unknown
�You�ve only touched the cup, Kate. In it is life�waiting for you. Waiting for our Kate. If you drain it now. . .�
I smiled then. �I understand, Papa. Truly, I do.�
�I thought you might.� Tucking my hand through his arm, he turned back toward the house. Mother was waiting for us on the porch.
Mother and Papa continued to hold me close, and I touched the cup of life gently and tentatively. In seventy-six years, I have never completely drained it, and life is sweet.
THE END